I helped Jonathan on the train

I felt deranged for the better part of this day.  Everything I wrote seemed to come out in capital letters, bolded and in extra-large size.  I had to say goodbye the other day but even once the act was done and even after hours of crying I did not know to what or to whom I was saying goodbye.  There is such romanticism as I watch myself bleed.  Yet I see this trait in another and it does not move me to create the earth.  You are my Delilah and it only took one look into your eyes for me to be trapped and I know it is there I shall remain.  It is a new age of sadness and unbridled passion and it never appears so lonely as when the moon casts a light across the bed and its thin grey covers form sculptures of imperfect and beautiful bodies.  Tears always fall on opposite sides and always onto the sheets, never onto a chest or shoulder. 

Did I ask for this?  Desire has a way of creeping into your brain and soul and taking over.  One second it is a passing glance and in the next it is every thought and the entire universe itself once your eyes are closed. 

I remember meeting on the corner there on a very busy city street.  I walked through the city and felt so many dreams unfolding around me.  There was so much joy in the city landscape.  The skyline was changing by the second. 

It was casual happenstance.  It took millennia for everything to line up properly and then when it happened it existed in the space of a few seconds.  There was a tearless embrace and in that moment there was more safety and beauty than in any other which had come before.  So many mistakes had come and gone but that moment could never be a mistake.  Who was passing by and who bore witness to the history unfolding?  He was lost inside and there was no sweeter place to be; so many soft lies in that instant where love was felt for the first and last time.

The nails were black and dripping.  Inside her blood was wine.  Sin was lurking just beneath the surface and it felt so exquisite to give in.  The uncommon silence and the innocent touch transformed into something restorative.  Complacency and boredom were both murdered and in their place grew the body of a seductive and untrustworthy savior.  Down in the dungeon they are being whipped but they are smiling all the same and the stone floors are stained with their joy and ecstasy. 

Venus is so beautiful in the morning.  I awoke and saw you there fulfilling that aching need.  You smiled at me and seemed so far away and this was somehow comforting.  Do you remember on the beach when I set fire to the ambulance and danced all around while it burned and sent smoke to the sky and across the ocean?  My hands were upraised and I was screaming and I felt like we had accomplished this all together.  And then you drove off without me and I gave chase but it was futile as ever.  Regarding those final moments though, I always choose to believe you were happy and that you were able to feel the freedom you deserved but which so frequently eluded you. 

My conscience is breaking glass.  Most days I prefer never to leave my room.  None of my ideas are my own and my feelings and desires always run contrary to what should be.  I believe when they are staring face to face there are moments when they both know and understand exactly what is going on.  There is screaming inside both their brains.  There are no more sacred vows or promises which are not made to be broken.  Everything held to be true flies away like doves and what remains is the sweet lust and the lovely pain – like biting a lower lip until blood is drawn – which never goes away.  They are both stained and nothing can wash it off.  They would not want to anyway. 

The days have turned to grey again.  I feel like I’m looking into a deer’s eyes when I wake up in the morning and it is alluring and frightening.  There is no one holding me back yet I have such a strange desire to murder my darlings.  Black birds fly past my window and they are so close I can sometimes feel their wings flutter against the glass.  I sometimes imagine them breaking through the windows at once and flying around me and sticking their beaks in my eyes.  I have devoured all romantic yearnings and sexual desire has always been such a disgusting thing that it is easy enough to repress.  I would be surprised if anyone could truly know my mind but I still put it out there for anyone so inclined. 

I drowned it.  There is no simpler way to put it.  Sitting there by myself and watching cars pass by I made the conscious decision to hold it underneath until it could not breathe anymore.  The death was slow but as thankfully absolute as any other.  There were so many pitying eyes.  Why did they bother to apologize?  They knew I was the only one who should have been apologizing.  I am not allowed anywhere.  When everything was spinning I opened the door and something walked through and it is now hiding behind every corner.  It’s hiding inside of me.  I splashed my own blood on the canvas and thought of that night.  Your gift echoed in my brain as it would until my final moments and I screamed in delight over everything I had destroyed. 

Something’s going to happen to me.