O (Part 7 of 10)

I fell off and you were not there to catch me.  The utter indifference on display was necessary and momentarily sobering.  Was there hate that passed between us?  Why is everyone always staring at me?  Why were these introductions made?  How much regret must be making its presence known at this very moment? 

The ice fell slowly and he did his best not stare.  And I was waiting for the premonition.  My smile was as fake as everything inside of me.  I waited for a kiss and I waited like a madman in the dark and it was only later I realized the nature of true terror.  I walked in through the exit.  The child was there holding a green cup.  The child smiled and beckoned and we talked about this and I wanted to die but you could not see that and I walked over and I continued to pretend just as I betrayed everything that was good around me.  My fortune is meaningless.  And all those paintings he told you he would see and those mountains and blades of grass you want to walk through.  In the end they will all simply catch fire while violin strings sing out a sad song and remind me of the futility in everything I have done. 

In that moment it was back to creation and the possibility I may have things backwards.  It’s not reality to make someone happy.  There is nothing to see here.  The world has gone away from me and there will be no more sunsets.  Our health was in question and there were compliments handed out and recommendations and the elegant beauty of simplicity.  We were looking out on a river.  I was waiting to drown underneath.  I knew what I wanted to see last before everything went black.  You bought all my hope for pennies and threw it away in the trash.  I’m caught in the crowd and nobody listens.  You will never be seen at that stadium. 

Through so much wine she disappeared into the summer air; all those empty words that escape from your mouth.  It was my fault all along.  I brought about the end of everything.  And hopefully one day I will die as a direct result of my actions.  My death would be the only reward. 

He wants her to marry him.  I am unwell.  I don’t know myself of anyone else.  How appropriate and how wonderful.  He will never be the one to make you laugh.  It is a better world for that.  Nothing makes me happy anymore.  There is something in my eye.  I almost passed out at the familiarity.  Everything was minimal and I saw who would care for us if they were to be taken away.  What beautiful luck to have death knock on our doorstep.  Is there no one with whom I would not trade places? 

When will the water begin to purify me?  I let you down every day.  It is futile to ask forgiveness when I make the same mistake immediately afterward.  I fear there is only one way this can end.  Somehow this all went from very high on the list to being nothing more than another drop in the bucket.  There is backwards filtered reverb on my soul.  I so desperately wish to be washed away and renew myself but I don’t believe this will ever happen.  At some point I wake up alone and part blood red curtains and walk outside to feel the air and I will sing to myself and realize I do not know anyone.  I will still love you but I will no longer have any idea where or who you are. 

You create a light that reflects what is above.  This makes me feel.  I’ve jumped around the strings.  I think back to when it started and I have no idea how I ended up here, waiting in the dark.  No one can take my regret away from me.  You created movement from the dead recognition in your eyes.  Your portrait depicts the death of my pride.  Fear inside her eyes.  It is a blessing they never encountered one another.  Please let it stay that way.  It is a lonely place we have found ourselves in this strange room full of laughter.  I don’t know who is there lurking behind the scenes.  Everything is so mixed up since I moved my hand and scattered the stars all over the place.  I need to be banished.  These poisonous words inside of me should never be spoken.  Our departure hit a crescendo.  I cannot wait to leave it all behind.  The morning’s clarity exposes my disgrace. 

There is no depth here and nothing to discover.  Everything you say is all that is left.  I’m learning to live with somebody’s narcosis.  I’m learning to live with somebody’s obsession.  My life is not valuable.  I spent all this time watching unsympathetic black and white images and now I have nothing left to learn and nothing to hope for.  Take me to church and force me to forget.  To take your hands and dip them in holy water.  To drink from the same cup as you.  To drink love from your generous hands.  I’ve seen your hair covered and your body bathed in light.  I am a false person and my testimonies and confessions mean nothing.  I ask all of you to please forgive me.  I hope to see you at the ocean one day.  I hope to see you all on the shoreline and we can look out at the sea and the sun and the sky.  I hope you will hold my hand, if only for a moment.  And I will ask you to forgive me.  In my dreams you smile and tell me it is okay but I can’t imagine this ever happening in real life.  And in the end I always realize that you are the sea and I am just left alone there on the beach.  Don’t save my life, it’s empty. 

I fell off and kept falling and will always be falling because you will never be there to catch me.