I love bringing people together! Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer #3 review

So by now everyone in the entire world has seen the latest (last?) trailer for Batman v Superman Dawn of Pork Rinds and has had ample opportunity to spill their opinion to everyone within earshot.  I have chosen my preferred method of the written word and my razor sharp prose to deliver my humble ruminations on this latest tease. 

I love like a sumbitch the opening scene with Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne facing off and throwing barbs at one another.  Despite Kent playing coy, the barbed nature of their dialogue leads me to believe that perhaps they already know who they really are behind those all too convincing human skin masks.  That being said, it is an odd scene with which  to begin a trailer and it takes up perhaps too huge a chunk of the running time, creating a disturbing unbalance. 

I have slowly but surely been won over by the casting of Benjamin Affleck as Batman.  Part of this was certainly due to his career best performance in David Fincher’s 2014 hit Gone Girl and his excellent directorial work in Argo and Gone Baby Gone certainly didn’t hurt (though this gave me more confidence in the behind the scenes machinations as it seems Affleck and his faithful co-writer Chris Terrio are helping shape the DC film universe).  This new trailer features his most dialogue ever so far and showed me that it will be surprisingly easy to forget about Christian Bale’s Batman.  That is not meant in any way as a slight to Bale who left an indelible mark on the character but this looks to be another worthy interpretation.  I will throw in a slight sight to Bale in saying I am so beyond happy Affleck is not taking any cues from the infamous Bale-voice.  I’m not sure I’m love with what seems to be a pointedly mechanically altered voice but I would wager almost anything would be preferable to Bale’s insane growl.  On the flip side of all this I will also say the footage showed me yet again that Michael Keaton will likely always be the best live action Batman.  Still, Affleck looks like he will do fantastic and I am pleased as ever to have the big stupid mouth on my fat ugly face be shut in such a decisive manner. 

 
Ah and then he bursts in: Lex Luthor.  The greatest criminal mind of our time and likely my favorite comic book villain ever.  It is somewhat baffling to me that it seems we – the ever fair and even-minded comics fans – will never be granted a cinematic portrayal to compare to his comics counterpart.  I love that I’m judging it in it’s entirely despite having not seen the film but what else are trailers for?!  This long haired, hyperactive screeching does not immediately line up with any Lex I’ve ever read.  And yet…and yet there is something that genuinely excites me about this new iteration, something that just provokes a real pronounced crease in my pants.  If I had to put a point on it I guess it seems like a such a bold interpretation there is virtually no way I will be able to straddle the fence on whether I enjoy it or not.  I feel I will either love it or hate it and that seems like the best route to take.  I recently watched Spectre where Christoph Waltz was utterly wasted and left no impression (in fact I forgot he was even in it until I just now saw a TV spot) and that is the (tar) pits!  I would rather Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex be astonishingly bewildering shit than the pile or boring dull suckage that was Waltz because at least that tells me they’re going for something.  Of course, I’m definitely hoping for brilliance and not smelly shit!  And there are things I like: He  seems to be mocking Clark and Bruce in the beginning (though I could go with that zany way he talks a bit readily if it seemed like an act the character is putting on for the public but it appears that he talks that way no matter what).  Still, it is an interesting moment if nothing else.  His dialogue overall seems rather on point, as do what little I can discern about his motivations and I love that we are getting the classic mad scientist aspect of the character thrown in!  I guess maybe I’m full of horse crap because he sure seems Lexish!  It’s just the manic, in your face style of the performance that keeps throwing me off like a rat bastard.  I guess I have no choice but to grudgingly wait until I see the feature film before passing my final judgment.  

I defecated devastatingly in my jockies when I saw Doomsday appear.  Pay close attention to that adverb because it is not simply there to illustrate the strength and mess of my defecation but also its tone which was decidedly morose.  I am sick to grisly death of all-CGI villains and giant endless CGI fight scenes that littler all blockbusters these days.  At this point it has nothing to do with any Marvel/DC rivalry (which honestly only matters to internet losers like yours truly anyway) because at this point both companies are repeatedly guilty of this mortal sin.  There is no reason superhero movies cannot last and remain popular for a further fifty-nine centuries BUT I truly believe they will have to evolve and move on to braver storylines.  Of course I haven’t seen this movie yet so I could be completely wrong but I fucking doubt it!  And whether this is Doomsday or a revived and deformed General Zod or Wraith or Bizarro or some other random monster it won’t matter because big CGI monsters all blur together nowadays; he looks just like the Abomination from Incredible Hulk or one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or the rock troll things from Lord of the Rings.  That monster is just the (arm) pits of this trailer, just the absolute (peach) pits.  Doomsday’s appearance changes in the source material so I suppose I am mildly interested to see if that holds true for the movie (if it is the Doomster).  

As a lifelong Wonder Woman fan it has been and was genuinely exciting to see her showcased here in what looks to be a very impressive introduction.  I haven’t been secretive about my piggish trepidation over Gal Gadot’s casting but I haven’t been distraught over anything I’ve seen yet from her.  It surely helps that all I’ve seen her do so far is pose but she has that down like she’s been doing it for years!  Whatever the case may be I am very pleased to finally see this great character on the big screen and I look forward to her own upcoming movie.  Normally, it might piss me off that they’re cramming in so many damn characters but I guess I just don’t a give a tin shit when I love the character this much.  

I have been consistently disappointed with the lack of Amy Adams in these previews and this trailer was no exception as she appears in roughly 4 seconds.  However in those 4 seconds she proves yet again that she’s currently one of the hottest actresses around.   I constantly fantasize about her Lois Lane publicly humiliating me and then further ridiculing me in private and forcing me to kiss her feet after she’s done with a hard day’s reporting.  On the less chauvinistic side I will also say her presence adds some great gravitas and she is easily the second best thespian in this flick, behind only the great Jeremy Irons who looks to be a truly epic Alfred.  There ain’t nothing wrong with second best and the third best is pretty far behind her.  

One little Easter egg: this constantly teased scene with soldiers wearing Superman logos, a covert goggled Batman fighting em in the desert and then being captured and unmasked by pissed off looking Superman; I’ve been going back and forth in my diseased mind as to whether this is a dream sequence or something which actually happens.  The new footage in this shows some very familiar flying little monster things in that scene.  I could be wrong but they look an awful lot like parademons which comics fans will know live on the planet Apocalypse, home to the dastardly Darkseid.  This leads me to believe that it is perhaps some sort of vision – not exactly a dream – and likely a glorious commerce infused hook to lead into the Justice League movies.  

Since virtually everything has been given away it seems disappointingly simple now to parse out what the basic plot will be: Wayne is stupidly pissed at and leery about Supes for the Zod led Kryptonion invasion in Man of Steel and Kent is dumbly and hypocritically leery or Batman’s vigilante tactics.  The two bozos are manipulated by the red bull and coffee swilling Lex Luger into fighting one another (I’m guessing Lex frames Superman for something) despite the wise sage Alfred (and probably Lois and Ma Kent) admonishing them for being a couple of macho idiots.  Bats dons a hi tech mech suit while the last son of Krypton just stays strong and the two throw down before realizing what unbelievable assholes they’re being and subsequently becoming superfriends.  This royally pisses off the (not so) bald billionaire who Frankensteins something together using Zod’s rank and rotting corpse and this fierce CGI beast nearly proves to be too much for our roided out heroes until the svelte (how does she do it?!) Amazonian Wonder Woman shows up to chew bubblegum and kiss ass and save everyone’s sorry superhide.  The three team up, defeat the special effect and throw little Lex in prison where he has his head shaved (or maybe he loses it when lightening brings the monster to life) and vows revenge on the superfucks!  Also, a couple other plot devices show up along the way like Kryptonite and a vision of apocalypse to tease the next big bad.  Throw a couple other (cool) D-listers like Aquaman (played by the guy who played Carl Drogan in Game of Thrones!) and Cyborg and maybe some others for laughs and boom!  Instant slam banging ultra-unique superhero adventure!!! I understand trailers are for the general audience and not for the minority of comic fans so in that sense it makes cents that they’d need to show a villain other than Luthor and show more factors to bring the common folk in aside from Bats fighting Supes.  But I wonder if they’ve shown too damn much now.  My heart weeps.  

But I’m going to contradict my own miserable self here a bit by saying it shouldn’t matter too much if key plot points are given away. Plot is a cold deadly thing anyway and I have always maintained that in every storytelling medium – be it movies, shows, books, comics or campfire tales – if the story and, more importantly, the characters are truly strong and well written then it will be rich and enjoyable no matter how much has been revealed beforehand.  However, if the movie is simply a bunch of money-shots than spoilers will definitely have a detrimental effect though in that case the movie would ultimately feel unsatisfying regardless.  

Damn I love comics!  I’m actually really excited for this movie so I don’t know why I’m being such an asshole!  It’s seems like those two glasses of champagne have gone straight to my head (of course it could also be the bottle of wine I had right before!)  It’s overall a very awkward trailer, very bizarre, strangely edited with jarring tonal shifts (especially in comparison to the previous trailers).  Still, I’ve watched it roughly 459 times by now and I can say it is improving with every viewing.  After all, only the coldest of comics assholes could not feel at least a little perky seeing the trinity standing there at the end ready to throw down!

In the end, despite all this, despite all my endless bitching, moaning and complaining there is no doubt in my diseased mind that I will be there on the very first showing of opening night wearing my cutoff vintage Superman t-shirt and with my Batman thong underwear wedged firmly between my hirsute and jiggling butt cheeks!  Such is the nature of wisdom.