So what visions of hell are we all designing for ourselves on
this night? Oh, those halcyon days, he said. And I simply could not
agree though it was through no fault of his. There is no one in charge
and there is no order to anything anymore. There is a wave of shame and
an unprecedented acceptance of sin and indulgences all around. We are all
drinking from the same glass.
I felt pinpricks of heat all over my body once it was over and then I wanted to scratch my skin off. He did horrible things and it all happened so fast. The temptation was simply too glorious and his self control nonexistent and then his mouth spoke words whose poison was masked with honey. I am just a little girl with grey eyes. Can I still cling to that? I don’t think so. I would love to just stay deep in my room and never leave. It is electric blue and I am begging anyone who would listen to just let me live there.
Hands trembling, I am covering the canvas with deep swaths of pink. But now my eyes only see black and I wish so much to drown in that. Hear that name be called. I have to cut it off, that is exactly what I need to do. I need the courage to bring about a decisive end. And everything will be better off for it. I am no one’s Apollo. Burning the belongings. May he be thrown into the fire.
Bodies keep betraying and then there is a pleading for forgiveness and then his tears travel down toward his smile and everything starts all over again and I am prisoner and it is my fault and I need to extinguish myself and that is the only thing that makes sense and then it will all be in its proper place. There is no satisfaction. Carving the flesh. A portrait made from exquisite evil and my words fall on uncaring ears. Very appropriate.
Let me apologize to all of you right now. She erupts in laughter and later on she will bring forth the instrument of a very personal brand of destruction. Is there a true deity anywhere? This all comes in the majestic female form. I can’t travel these speeds anymore and I am etching terrible things in the walls and staining the carpet. Who would say you are a wonderful person? Please stop winking. Please help me to stop this, please.
Beginning at sunrise and he stands naked in the fields and wonders who considers their god to be the sun. And parents were together with their children and impurity was rampant and a single burgundy rose was crushed between pale fingers and milk spilled out and flowed down to our feet and they are quite suddenly weeping again. By the time of the turn it was all a matter of a simple flick of the wrist and he was drowning in color and choking on ecstasy. My skull is to be split open and my back is to be pierced and I will break my teeth from grinding them so hard and I will still be screaming out apologies but nothing will be sufficient because I am something terrible and ugly. Oh, how our bodies are designed for betrayal and slavery.
And there is moment of horrifying silence and ideas fill the prism of deceit and they rush to his aid and there is still a knife present. Blacking out. Not once but twice and I don’t know where I am and for a moment I can forget who I am and feel bliss and then it comes flooding back and I write the word DEATH over and over again.
He was searching last night and digging in the dirt and the city only showed him what he wanted to see. He has spent everything and lost even more and I laugh and trade places and I cannot feel the right side of myself. Ice is rising deep inside. Please do not let this be heard. I am so very scared of this potential and when I look around everything is ugly and contaminated and I wonder what it would be like to be sent away forever. Don’t be searching anymore. There is nothing to connect you with this world.
It’s like an urban game of fiction, stuffing torn pages inside her mouth. Please help me to cut myself to ribbons and spill my own blood and…this must be removed. Biting my tongue now.
Night comes around again and we are all so sorry but it does not make a single bit of difference and from now on it will always be too late. I have purged nothing.
It all feels so much more real through the glass and he now he can hardly breathe and it culminates in a lifeless little exclamation and he can only laugh and curse and start it all over again. Something very soon is going to be awful. This sad pathetic and useless thing was racing against time and he lost and that is what he does best. Oh you are horrible and there is absolutely nothing left but counterfeit remains. Please let it all be taken away. I cannot go back again, please don’t let me go back again. Only one way really and we both know what that is. I am so sorry to everyone and you all know who you are.
You go by two different names and you do not deserve this. Do you recall that cursed day when it all started and now there is not a single shred of it left and you do not deserve this. What happened to that streak in your hair he wonders and you do not deserve this. I am sorry that it had to be hidden away like that because you do not deserve this. I know less and less about…. If I could take it all back, starting with myself. Why did you do that? So sweet and kind. Can that be the final image?
God help me please, who will I be seeing at the costume ball tonight?
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