s7

I think I love Iggy Pop’s new album.  And Lana Del Rey’s new album!  Not Tool’s new album though, yeesh.  It’s easily their worst in years; don’t even want to waste any time writing about it.  I need to pick up Bat For Lashes new album.  And a couple other ones I can’t remember right now.  I have to buy some books too, another Limon (she wore….).  No, I’ve made up my mind.  I love Iggy Pop’s new album.  It makes me feel so free. 

What the hell am I doing? I recently asked myself this question.  I looked long and hard at a receipt recently and it made feel bad and nostalgic.  I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, that’s for damn sure.  I am so very flat right now.  But it’s a good.  The other day he wished someone would take him out to a field and shoot him in the head.  Then after a beat everything was fine.  I need to start waking up earlier.  My hands are hurting something fierce.  I’ve been writing other things lately.  They’re more than likely utter crap though, just like all the other crap I write.  I have no idea what I’m saying or writing anymore but I’m convinced it doesn’t matter.  I watched the Miami Vice movie the other day.  damn, I love that movie.  I also like the show.  I’m wearing a t-shirt right now.  If only I was wearing a jacket too.  I’m listening to words now.  I am an awful person.  let it not go…i don’t know, lost interest in my sentence there.  but I am bad.  I’m so blah lately.  I’m just a big nothing.  It doesn’t really matter though.  I can’t abide by the thought of…something.  I don’t know.  Corrective shit.  I can eliminate something.  Because I am awful.  But wait, I mean, I can eliminate something awful in me but I’ll still be awful.  That will never change.  Don’t believe in yourself.  I was looking at the same date every night right lights out.  During the review of said data I was also drinking heavily.  And such is the nature of wisdom.  I ate pizza twice last week.  No wonder I’m such a flabby sack of shit.  I read a couple beautiful books recently.  They were very inspirational.  You know I really love U2’s album Zooropa.  And I love how the penultimate tune quotes Bukowski.  It’s a great inspirational line..  I don’t really know what my problem is.  I’m just a terrible person. hahaha, I chuckle to myself, I guess that’s my problem.  Avoid eye contact, fella.  Just stare right next to a person, right to the right of em.  That’s the key. Patience is the key.  Time, patience, the right berries.  Items are coming for me in the mail tomorrow and I’m so excited I may just go put my freshly washed laundry in the drier.  And then hopefully I’ll throw myself off the fucking bridge though of course I don’t have the fucking guts to what’s necessary.  Never have, never will (and you’ll never know).  Of course I need to order post haste that limited edition marine wax.  It is too lovely, too brassy.  No, not too brassy, the brassiness is fantastic, I love it, juts fucking love it. Maybe I’ll write about it in depth. 

Ah so even in the midst of all this recovery and purity I still manage to taint it because my heart is a foul dirty little thing.  Of course this is exactly the way I want it.  I don’t think I can trace it back.  What am I talking about.  Of course I can.  Because he went in with this drive, this direction.  In that it all folded out as it was supposed to.  And then the recurring motif of research and my God I did not even realize until this very moment with these calm voices ringing out how true it was and is and always will be.  The voices are testament to everything.  I don’t think it was the next time.  whenever, one of the next times.  It all adds up.  What a lovely season of corruption.  Not a season, no, this is corruption everlasting.  This is everything you touch being tainted for life.  Yes, the other day he could not even get the words out, all too pointless.  What was amusing is…whatever.  No, wait the possibility of knowledge.  Foreknowledge or something.  The possibility that the person you think does not know may in fact know and in reality you want that person to know.  And in weird moments nothing feels serious and in fact it doesn’t really feel like anything.  It is like I am just apart from myself and apart from everything and I never know if this is bad or not.  Oh, what bullshit, of course its bad and it’s nothing more than generous and elaborate self delusion so I can for a moment pretend that I am not complete shit and that everything I do and create is not complete shit but of course that lie is too fucking weak to survive for too long.  We’re dealing with brains here people.  But yes, the knowledge.  And then it all came back to that great horned beast the rhinoceros.  Yes, that and the subsequent two iterations including a number which will soon have a very particular significance.  So many are healing currently.  I know his philosophy is not all right.  He has to believe this is on the right side oh for fucks sake just what you mean.  It’s because it does not entirely add up and trust is so fragile.  This has to be real but please don’t talk about love because it all sounds so false but that is entirely my fault and nothing else really matters, only the fact that it is only my fault, no on else is responsible and my great love of sin is not about me giving in but only about me embracing and kissing so tenderly my own fucked heart.  I feel anxious and awful right now.  I just have to remember the pointlessness of my feelings and that pointlessness stems from me being a rotten piece of shit.