M[(1)even thou]

 Where do we begin?  Fascination with…walking back and forth.  Dingy, dive.  Walking back and forth.  Sacred, lovely.  Adoration.  Friday with so many emotional problems.  Shaking man.  When comes.  Drowning in alcohol.  And turning the pages.  Always hopeful upon entry.  Most recent, the desire to be utterly obliterated.  Now I’m a functioning member of s….   so sleepy now.  Gut on fire in the early morn, potent mix of booze and sleeping agent.  Needed utter obliteration last night.  Tears.  Need to read more of those slim volumes.  Can’t do it.  No, got to remember the good.  Moments of delicious yearning.  Need the yearning.  Looking down to the ground.  Desire to commit to adoration.  Somewhere in a dream you were assistant to a foreign princess.  Legal team.  Tasked with procuring lunch.  Tasked with procuring three items, one of them teasingly unforgettable.  Communication by phone.  This was the only time I was ever happy.  Then drunk on the other side, too light and first and then someone blissfully turned the lights.  I showed up too early.  Pacing in.  the old western style doors.  Hall pass. Asking for a hall pass.  Haven’t thought about hall passes in ages.  Needed to look up ,not sure if definition is correct.  Asking about hall pass.  I’m probably full of shit.  With their tanks.  Bathtub.  Ending, everything ending cause nothing really matters.  Repeating the refrain, so funny, love it, you should let me serenade you sometime (I never said this). Register in between.  Prudence in the morning. So are you, apropos.  Schizophrenic.  Hard life.  Posts provide ample warnings.  Went on vacation.  Alaska.  Those two things not directly related.  But kind of.  And then joining right next to.  Multiple times.  Better than anything.  The mockery.  Watching the clock.  Almost my bed time.  Hall pass.  Nothing really matters.  Back to glorious old habits.  Recent day, started crying uncontrollably.  What’s going on?  Hard life.  Not me.  Alarms.  Red alarms.  Depression?  The clocks again.  Not a coors light fan.  Savage take down.  Between light beer and clocks was a savage take down.  “To see you.”  At some point I drank way too much.  Was all this recent?  Started talking a fool.  I’m always a fool.  I’m a dopey clown.  Jester at heart.  Don’t go for the baroque shit.  Show something real.  Unless it’s the beauty of….   To die in sweetest sin.  Need to just ride this one out.  Let it run it’s course.  I’m an adult, I can do what I want.  What did that mean exactly?  Drinking less probably wouldn’t hurt either.  If only I could snuff it all out, starting with myself.  Sat next to, don’t be so damned obvious you creep.  I’m a fucking creep.  Then interruptions.  No one likes me.  Perfectly understandable.  Mockery of the clocks on multiple occasions.  Automobiles have me.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  That is the only explanation that makes sense.  Trying to recapture something utterly useless.  These easy bubblegum infused sentiments.  This was never your life.  It never could be your life.  Imagine going to the fair.  Imagine not being a failure.  (the county fair is a pretty fair fair).  Vehicles again.  Feeling low.  Washed and dried.  Celebrating the occasion with nothing.  Back in the day.  I’m such a fool but there is nothing great about it.  Only awful.  Need to wash and dry again.  Wasn’t that at the same time as a couple others?  Maybe not aged as highly.  And now triangles.  No, last night.  So lovely.  Seasonal depression.  Desire for adoration.  Loving submission.  Master.  Pastels. Pink and grey.  What the fuck is going on?  Way too much.  I asked a stupid question about a sandwich.  Passing out.  Knocking out.  Don’t understand what desire is anymore.  Way too much last night.  Peppers.  Stupid man.  Stupid man.  Water.  Need water.  Been taking on too much.  Seasonal.  Two before.  Then one during.  So delightful.  So wonderful.  Felt better, feel better when everything dies down.  Don’t really care about myself.  Too much failure.  Electric blue.  What did you take?  Pastry.  Cake.  Like that word.  Out there. Out there?  Incredulous.  Saying goodbye but I’m not going anywhere.  Out there?  Out there.  Laughing.  What the fuck is going on?  Drooling . what a fuckup.  Hate myself . laughing again. Can’t be all bad.  Like it?  What’s happening?  Lonely crowd.  I’m rude.  Like it. Gone.  Don’t understand anything.  Thinking about….  Came home.  Everything is on fire.  Wish I could identify that bouquet.  I wish I had a future.  Anywhere.  In these right angle rooms now.  Oh so lovely.  Meet at the dance.  Broken, useless.  Collapsing.  I am not good for anyone and never have been.  All a jumble now.  Hazy because of toxic.  Twenty dollar bill, twenty one dollar bill.  Thank you, sorry.  Lovely sharing.  Hall pass.  Feeling dizzy now.  Love feeling dizzy.  Love not feeling anything.  all happened so suddenly.  Happy to see when walking through the door.  I love this place because it is a fake place.  Everything is so fake.  But I love it because of that.  Vampires in the morning.  Only solace in the morning from the vampires.  New now.  Air sounds.  It’s okay.  You’re okay.  I’m right here.  Opening up, yes, started with trying once more.  No use trying anymore.  So quick to ruin.  Exhibitionism.  Nothing ever works out.  Still feel dizzy.  Ruin.  Maybe time to throw in the towel.  Still prefer to travel the places where you traveled.  It’s all an illusion.  Always exists the possibility.  Office last night and office this morning.  So different.  All I can do.  Last month I’m realizing the greatness of having new values and concluding that I must have had a stick up my ass.  A stick is your friend.  Last month of last year of course.  Orange wax.  I’m the chairman of the bored.  Good to rid the little star of yourself.  Your self.  You’re awful.  Awful.  Slaughtered.  Always love seeing the thumbsup.  Must return to the place that isn’t real because the fake and numb things are the