Listening to how I’m feeling now as I cruise in, I’d forgotten how much I love. I wrote about it once when I was feeling especially shitty. Everything wet and grey. Evocative. I am shit. Need to write about something else now. Gotta get things outta my system. My putrid system. I’m so vile and foul. There is nothing real about me. But that realization hurts which means there has to be something there. Mazzy. Need. It’s all salty. Albini today. Today is rough and grey. Drinking coffee now. Can barely keep my eyes open. Fishnets have me. Fishnets always have me. Don’t eat the salmon!!! Everything is chimey. Chimey is the sound of love and comfort. Even or especially in rain. I just want a hug. I’m not real. I push things away. I hate myself so much. I’m awful. Awful. Tradecraft. Spycraft. Subterfuge. Should have just but instead i.
Working backwards or some fucking thing. Closed it down. Red plaid. No point of comparison. There was other plaid too. Maybe purple. I love purple. I’m the constant asshole. Everything with lovely connectivity. I can’t relate to anything anymore. I hate myself. I talk and I’m not me. I’m watching it happen. Watching myself say things, wishing I had a personality. Lovely across and to the side. Babbling on about dry work. Drink after drink. I bought. Real horse’s ass am i. every night? All these worthless comparisons. It’s exhausting being me. The grim weight of so much failure. The grand accumulation of nothing. Comforting to know there will be no heirs. When I die, my existence, all of me, will be blissfully rubbed out. I just wish it could go in the other direction right now, that everyone would just forget I exist. I’m so fucking awful and useless. I’m losing sensation. It’s like I’m leaving something behind but I don’t know what. I don’t know what to cling to anymore. Because none of it really matters. I’m not good in the group settings. I’m all fucked up. Time and again I tell myself. Not me. At a loss now. Dust. I think it was a rather good time. I forgot sometimes what good times are like. Losing me. Emotional connections gone. I can’t, I can’t! said mockingly. Smoke coming from an old television set. Going against nature. Love the phrasing. A lot of good phrasing. Very intelligent. Hyperpop. Black fishnets. White fishnets. Had to eliminate. Again. Maybe this time though. The genocides. Cd roms are the way of the future. And digital dating. In person and physicality in general are outdated and highly overrated. I need cleaner textures. Cold cubes. Glaciers of ice. Swords. Damn, I need a margarita. These days it’s all about eating ass. I ate some mozzarella sticks recently. Then at some point I was driving around like a lunatic at 2 AM desperately searching for an open McDonald’s. reminds of time in in the big apple when I was at a strange bar that had a big collection of vinyl records and at one point I left to buy some bananas. I’m a big time loser. Maybe if I ate more ass I’d actually have a measure of success in this world!
I’m just going to point to the boar! Weight fluctuations. One of them apparently doesn’t realize. It’s all just business. That makes sense. The elderly hugs. So sad. Gotta understand the clientele. I wish I wasn’t such a worthless fuckup. I’m reading about the suicide of a science fiction author. Or am i? the more I learn the less I want to know. I’m old, washed up, outdated. I’m old hat. I’m obsolete. I’m useless. I need to just fuck off and die. Hurdy gurdy man needs to start playing now. Lovely smile. Appreciates when it isn’t just about social media. Makes sense. Consideration. Dude. Sir. I’m talking about vampires! Werewolves! I’m just more throwaway crap. If only I’d eaten more ass over the course of my life! Then maybe I could’ve actually been someone! I wish I lived in an alternate universe where I never existed. You gotta know when to cut things off! I ruin every good thing but maybe this time I can cut things off and not ruin it like the dumb fuck i are! Tangiers is where I need to go. And I need to start spending all money on nicer cheap suits and better brands of whiskey. I think I felt love in an instant. It can be a nice feeling. A moment of love. Not good in groups. Weird guy in the corner. Maybe if I’d eaten more ass over the years I wouldn’t so constantly be the victim of ostracization. I’m going to get a haircut tomorrow. Or am i? the more I learn the less I want to know. Shitting well is the best revenge. Hot whiskey shits this morning. Breathing in my rich stink. Man, I could use a drink and a nap. I need to get myself a baseball steak! And then line the crack of my ass with extra crunchy peanut butter. Would now be a good time to conjure up a flock of woodpeckers?! Castaneda. London’s architecture. This all must be nonsense. Or is something making it real. Sickert. I made it all up but it happened anyway. Psychic visions. Worlds imagined into reality. I’m grasping at nothing. I was recently speaking to an animal control officer. Is that how it starts? I like the clickity clack sound of keyboards being typed on. Cognitive dissonance. And. The desire to self traumatize. I am filled with dread. Everything awful. Something is going very wrong all around us. I have one Charles Fort book. I exchanged currency plain for this item. Aquarian. Holograms. I am nothing. Can remember so little. I was too drunk to be afraid so that was nice. Are there magicians around? If so, I hope they are wearing fishnets. I am so false. Keep coming back to that. Though I did feel something like love. It’s all so fading. It’s all so fleeting. But it was a real conversation. And that was very nice. Need to epilogue it.
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