shit

 

I am an evil.  I am asshole.  Damn, it all sounds so fucking funny.  I fucking hate myself so much.  Gotta peck out the words before it’s all normalized.  Piece of liver.  I’m such a piece of fucking shit.  I’m so fucking ugly.  my mommy hated me.  I wish she’d had the abortion.  Fucking cunt.  Fucking worthless bitch.  Couldn’t even have a fucking proper abortion the dumb fucking bitch.  I was reading a Sally Rooney short story recently that I thought was really good.  Marion.  I believe that was the title.  Interesting writer. I see now I can’t escape any drama or evil.  It constantly encroaches upon yours truly.  But I can’t really blame anyone else can I?  it’s because I’m such a monumental piece of shit.  Shit flocks to shit.  I can’t blame my mommy anymore.  I’m a grown ass man.  Everything is my fault. That’s why I want to buy a revolver.  S and w 36 methinks.  It’s what dennis hopper uses in The American Friend, one of my favorite movies.  I think it may also be what is used in the movie Christine starring Rebecca Hall.  Rebecca Hall is an amazing actress.  One of my favorites.  She always gives a great performance.  Per the town, she also has incredibly sexy feet.  I’m such a piece of shit.  But yeah, the 36, it’s attractive.  It would be so nice to buy one, figure out all it’s inner workings, really get to it, understand how and why it functions and then promptly blow my dumb fucking brains out.  I think it’s important that my fucking brains be blown out because it is my worthless cursed wretched mind which is at the source of all woe.  Inescapable drama.  So much bullshit. But imagine that, my brains and blood splattered against the wall. Who knows where my eyeballs would end up.  It’s funny to think that I would shit my pants upon being dead.  And then I’d just be a bag of meat.  All the stupid shit that had taken place over the course of my wasted and worthless life would matter even less than it already does.  I would just be a bag of blood bone and shit.  Hahahaha, that’s funny. 

My jaw feels distended right now.  I’m such a phony. Everything I project is fake.  I see everything through a pane of glass and I try to replicate.   I hate myself so much but it’s only because I’m a worthless piece of shit.  Everything I touch turns to shit.  I’m not good for anything.  I go someplace and the place is fine.  The place may be good.  But after my being there the place is now worse off.  I interact with people and I create shit. What results is needless drama.  I tell myself I don’t like the drama but I must on some level otherwise it wouldn’t manifest.  Didn’t believe in transcendence. 

Can’t blame anyone else in my circle.  I was at the movie theatre recently and I cried.  I feel like Jesus doesn’t love me but.  I know that’s just my dumb dramatic mind.  I’m a piece of shit.  I hate myself so much.  Would be nice to burn in the sun.  be thrown into the sun.  that sounds horrible.  Drowning. Being in the depths.  Black.  Please don’t look at me, I hate when people look at me.  so said that I was born.  Cliché.  Wish I was never born.  How cliché.  Fuck, don’t have a single interesting thought. Fucking worthless piece of shit.  So angry driving around the other day. angry cause I’m shit.  I ate steak for dinner.  Smelled like makeup.  I need to not talk to people. 

I need to not talk to people.  It hurts to talk to people.  I wish I never knew anyone.  I hate that people know me.  I wish I could eradicate all memory of me in everyone’s minds.  I wish people would leave me alone.  It feels so bad to talk to anyone.  I hate myself so goddam fucking much.  I hate talking to people.  Feels so fucking awful.  Nothing good ever comes of it.  I’m so fucking fake.