ice cream (thanks Chef)

All at once it him, the terrifying culmination of his life and all the love and lust he desired and all the misery he spread.  There would be a neon lit swimming pool and a costume ball and curtains everywhere.  There would be rumor and conjecture and so much mythologizing.  I will see you and yet you will not be you and perhaps the next time you see me I will not be me.  no, I won’t know who you are.  But I’ll have seen you just the other night during a moment of avant-garde performance and somewhere within all this is a moment of sexual frustration and a lack completion and through it all I may fail to realize until the very end that despite all the phantoms which keep appearing the true horror is my own useless and compromised-until-spiritual-death-and-decay existence.  And the man across the table from me is exactly the same state – perhaps slower or perhaps accelerated – but he has no idea and exists in a state of pure denial which will one day come to an utterly devastating halt.  And i know I will see the Rhapsody in Blue at some point but it will not be her or at one point it will be her and moment to moment she’ll change to something else where she will look like her but something will just be slightly horrifyingly off and I won’t have the slightest idea what happened but I’ll be crawling around on the floor trying to gather up the shattered remains of my identity and the broken irreparable pieces of diseased personality.  There will be a kind smile coming from her and it will provide brief relief but all too soon I will realize its only illusory.  And at some point I will need to write for help again and again because I can’t do anything on my own.  There will be several others forming the grand illusion of my nightmare end and I have a very good idea as their names but not necessarily their identities.  I will be staring across the cafeteria table of someone highly intelligent and warm and in the next moment this will change and I will not know where I am or to whom I am speaking but I will know in some distant way that an encroaching horror and all-encompassing malevolent evil has replaced the blissful memories which were all fake to begin with.  And I will only have myself to blame.  Because I am nothing at all. 

I realized very recently that I am a vampire.  The fear in the eyes is something I provoke because I am awful.  I am constantly falling back into sin.  It is my fallback position.  Please, I need desperately to crawl out.  I cannot do anything by myself.  We commit sins because we are awful.  This that I cannot resist, the Rhapsody in Blue.  This effects and destroys everything and it is entirely my fault. I know I can break the cycle.  I have known this for so very long.  How appropriate that his European sexuality should clue me in as to my true nature.  Vampirism and the hour of the wolf.  Banishment to an island would be a logical decision to make for someone like me.  my face will never meld with another.  And as the gates to the next world open I imagine the sound I hear will be two women singing in unison.  I am that undesirable and despicable element introduced in the beginning, middle or final act.  The looks in the eyes say everything yet I can continue to deny.   I should be burned away with the morning sun.  his excitement has turned to financial gain and this is unbearably repulsive.  This feeling is clear now.  The questions about family about work.  why is this taking place?  And then always such a curt finality.  He cannot put the blame on anyone.  Please let this be the last time.  he could hang a paper chain on his wall.  Perhaps then it would be the last time.  please I need help please help me please let this be the last time please help me I cannot do this alone I cannot do anything alone I am an awful sinning terrible horrible ugly thing please help me and please let this be the last time and that there is peace found once again.  To die in sweetest sin.  The words are not quite right but I start to wonder if I misheard things on purpose.  My heart guides the way and always leads me to a dulcet destruction.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.

 

The relative physicality of things cannot be denied or understated and this is perhaps the most dominant yet most sad (sad in the pathetic sense) factor of all.  If only an errant hot air balloon could touch ground if only for a moment to shake him out of this stupor.  He begs again for help.  There are always signs yet he consistently….

But the way was shown.  Two separate ways on the same path.  John showed him the way long ago and it proved successful once and can do so again.  The key is water.  I need only divide the water up and examine things from every possible…. And then the palace can have another glorious room and this may be the loveliest of all.  Water and words and everything can be…not exactly expelled.  The energy can be change into something else and released onto the universe in a much less destructive fashion.  Most important of all is what may be salvaged and that the Rhapsody in Blue may finally have peace. 

Just recall that was left behind before.  It was done once and a thousand times more and can be done again.  Finally. This is the solution. You never saw until now how it was only chance which brought this about.  But glorious intentionality can fix things. please help me not to ignore these precious signs.  Please let this finally be it and that I may learn.