mill3(funny how...all the walker, need sundog and it's happening outside, and love vert and shape and reconnecting with ...)

The human race was dying out, tee hee.  I don’t know that I resemble the man with all the coins in his carpet.  Yuck, why even bring blood into things.  Morrison hotel right now.  Loves.  I’ve been spending much time 1.Outside.  truly one of my all time favorites.  I learned so much from the hearts filthy lesson.  Of course I related it to Tilt.  How could I not?  So important discovery in the heat.  I was listening to Fijacion Oral Volumen 1 a lot recently.  What a great album.  What a gorgeous mature work.  and of course, Ghostface’s first album. That’s a real corker, as the kids like to say.  I had something of a breakdown the other day whilst in the company of spiritual providers.  It was more the booze than the cocaine I suspect.  But what do I know?  Eight and a half.  I’d never make it without you.  You’re there in the slaughter.  That was filling my thoughts in the night before and then early on this morning.  So sublime and richly appropriate.  I think I’ll dance a little jig to try and make sense of things while I’m stumbling through the hallways.  Yes, she looked so much better painted up like a whore.  Took a picture of the shoulders and eyebrows.  I’m coughing while I drink this whiskey.  No one believes me when I say it was all my fault but it was.  And now i see I’m about to face some great and terrible cosmic punishment.  Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.  Hahaha, I always laugh at how stupid I am. How utterly worthless.  I was recently thinking, very recently, how I wish there was a gun in my possession that I might blow my brains out and make an awful lot of people awfully happy.  I think I know what record I’d put on in the moment of truth.  I think of my blood, bits of skull and brain matter splattered against the wall and my lifeless corpse sprawled on the carpet of my posh flat.  I’d likely shit myself after the deed was done.  Such indignity!  This is a strange life.  No, it is so crushingly like any other.  She was right about what she what to him.  They did not want this.  He is a vile, ugly repugnant thing.  And now everyone knows.  He is disgusting and awful and there will be a parade once it’s finally all said and done.  I need to seek out those actresses though. Good thing I have a list. And I’m checking it 47 times.  Eight and a half.  Fantasies about the harem. It all made sense.  But I’ve handled things so poorly. I need to omit myself as a favor…. Many apology letters to send out.  But the notice will make everything okay.  It’s all just information.  No real meaning attached.. haha, is there any major role in my life in which I have not failed?  I don’t think so.  I’m talking about dead letters now with a certain degree of implausibility.  We started up talking about a job and that seemed as appropriate as anything.  I am such a terrible person and I imagine my end would make so many happy.  It’s not bad to be a people pleaser.  I was reading about the sailor and lula earlier.  Or was i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Tell the truth!  They prick me! there was a certain humanity shining through the overall oppressive tone this time around.  It was a grim humanity but present nonetheless.  There was also an aquatic sing song voice and a glorious smile and I am terrible once again.  Do not let yourself think anything that should not be.  You know exactly what I’m talking about. What in the world plays in the background on repeat.  Thank You for always being there for me.  I don’t deserve anything.  I hate myself so much. Time to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills?  Time to blow my fucking brains out and then everyone can have a parade (I love a parade and I love the album Parade by Prince and the Revolution!  Also, I was referencing the album 1.Outside by David Bowie earlier, an all time fave of mine).  Now, the similarities are all becoming ever more apparent  an homage to something that will eventually be returning the favor.  All first inside a painting.  And then the world was tinted green and we figured it out via the library of congress and bathroom tissue.  I do so love it.  The parallels are uncanny like train tracks and a personalized lighter.  But then this is to be the framework for something so beloved in the then far off future.  And I see you at an art gallery and even if I could see you everyday I would always remember this moment.  And I see you at the costume ball and I’ve no right to feel fucked up anymore because I’ve ruined everything for everyone and I’m a fucking ugly worthless loser and he wants to die so badly.  Red when around her now.  Everything is my fault because I’m a terrible person.  The surreality at the beginning had a great killer clown.  The duct tape and the feces were good and haunting.  So much oppression.  I love really love the equal partner and am waiting for an expansion of depth.  This was overall the least satisfying yet I find myself so connected.  I’ve forgotten most of what I want to say.  On the other side of things I’ve been using many disguises lately and seeing owls all over the place and very soon I suspect I will know the  right path and something will be ripped out by fire.  Everything and everyone is more important than me.  I failed everyone with whom I’ve ever had contact.  I am nothing.  Quite less in fact. I’ve only ever brought pain.  I’ll just through it in yon face again.  Land ho.  Flies in the house right now.  There is no way around my terrible failure.  I’m awful.  I want to be gone.