s13

I spent the better part of the last couple hours jumping around my posh flat and spouting gibberish, spit flying, guzzling gas station wine.  I truly hate myself and I’ve reiterated this point to myself hundreds of time over the past couple days.  Don’t get ahead here.  now that I’m at the station but there was an eclipse before.  My dark eyes.  Part of me believes I’m actually a bit important and it is very necessary to extinguish that part.  Future days of nothing await per recent announcements.  Tomorrow will be another wasted day. 

But going back.  Where was I?  feverishly and drunkenly listening in the night before and filling out so much on a super official yellow legal pad.  I occasionally chuckle over how meaningless everything I do is.  I analyzed photos for 3 hours the other day – dreaming of happy hour.  I was something of an anti-personality in the moment, completely detached though later on misery took its toll but then thankfully the chuckles set it again and I was able to laugh over how useless it all was.  That was something I forgot to mention.  Not that it matters.  Nothing I think, feel or say actually matters. But here it is, out there in the ether somewhere.  Who really gives a fuck, right? 

Anyway, on the way over, thinking about my favorite things.  one minute passed, woman in elevator with baby smelled like smoke.  Should have let me go.  I’m not me anymore.  No, that’s just a dream. Always clinging to a dream to survive.  I lie about my lies.  Tomorrow I’ll wake up early to do something useless.  To be clear, it’s not useless because of anyone else, only because of me.  you are you are a useless thing you are you are an awful ugly thing and everything is you.  You are this universe.  You get the world you deserve.  This entire world is your own creation and it is exactly you have earned, exactly what you deserve. 

And now suddenly I’m tired.  Why bother?  It doesn’t add up to anything.  Two major things I suppose. And there was laughter at one.  which means I was just whining.  Should never have mentioned. Just fucking whining cause I’m just a fucking worthless whiner.  Oh well, can’t win em all I suppose, open your hands.  My experience is so trivial.  Does not matter, everything is schematically laid out, this template is useless because it is mine.  even with deeper understanding…nothing really comes of it.  This all means nothing.  I just wandered my apartment and went for another drink and briefly reflected on the dream I’m constructing of myself.  I feel tired.  The other day in the parking lot, wishing for…I don’t think these thoughts are real.  They don’t seem to be acknowledged so I reckon they are not real.  Some interior distortions are taking place.  I overreact sometimes. 

A new mythology presented itself and grafted right onto my existence.  Of course there is a siren, there is a mermaid (yellow tigers occasionally pop up).  I know were I to reintroduce myself to the sand there would be a mermaid present (sailor brave) and this would be a great big important symbol and I am so deeply dull and obvious.  It all adds up though, this new construction and somewhere I am driving furiously to reach the sunset and I am shaking, more than shaking, these are crazy fucking spasms and I am screaming as I become someone else and enter another life and oh this reminds me of how I almost passed out the other day while driving and boy that sure was scary.  I don’t know anything I don’t know anything.  Was there fear in someone’s eyes recently?  He would never hurt that person.  he would die before he would hurt that person.  ah, but see the great symbolism?  Fuck, I don’t even know what the hell it means.  Beckoning, no that’s not quite right, signaling, guiding to a deeper understanding but with that comes an entirely new construction.  I just punched myself four times in a row but I know how to do it properly so it doesn’t really hurt.  Or wait, this time it hurt but it wasn’t bad.  yes, to a deeper understanding but so lovely and gentle at first.  oh, I am so selfish and awful, why am I so terrible? What the hell is wrong with me?  you’re not brave, you’re a fucking piece of shit.  Everyone sees it. These aren’t even lies.  Don’t thank me ever.  I hate receiving thanks.  Wants me dead.  I was screaming over and over again yesterday and what happened after was great punishment of the body and then…blanking, ah yes, turning to the bottle, always a wise decision, I cannot function without poison, it can be external or internal but I fucking need poison to deserve.  I take extra special care to nurse all the ugliest parts of myself.   As time goes on the ugly things grow and grow, exert their dominance and I am a foul fucking piece of shit and I wondered about my brains exploding and making a giddy mess everywhere and how little it would matter. 

There was reprieve where I could lose myself entirely.  That is always the relief, when I’m not me anymore.  And then only richly deserved self loathing in all other moments. And I started to write a message and then I stopped and I was desperate for a repeat performance but I cannot.  And time is up with vibration and he knows she doesn’t care and that is how it should be.  But that probably isn’t true and nothing makes any motherfucking sense because my brain is so fucking twisted and I can’t get a goddamn thing right.  but what good does it really do?  Just a waste of time, incessant whining.  Just accept that you’re a piece of shit and move on.  I am a piece of shit. I just need to move on. 

No, before all that or after or whatever the fuck ever I went somewhere bright and couldn’t pick up a basket and I cursed my ass for being so fucking dumb – what the hell is wrong with me?!  and then everything was celebratory and no one deserves the awfulness of my company.  Then I woke up and everything was warm and grotesque and I knew at once that I am a form of evil – temporarily benign but the categorization remains.  I am putrid and disgusting.  No judgement cannot be true.  But that’s okay. That’s how it should be.