s14

It lay bare.  It lay buried.  Ah, my special talent for fucking everything up is alive and well (and living in Paris?).  I wonder if this is a new record for me.  the expediency.  The speed was truly something else.  How did it happen?  Easy enough to trace the ways.  Hahaha, I must laugh to myself again, the epitaph.  She spelled out the epitaph and it could not be more true.  Well polished.  But there was something else there too…hahaha, research again, my God but how that keeps coming back to haunt me.  I do it all to myself though.  I deserve it.  I desire the pain and destruction so I’ve no real right to be surprised when it shows up in force, ready to dance and sing and take everything away.  Ah, my heart is foul whorish thing.  My spirit is a distortion.  I spent a great deal of the afternoon and evening in tears.  I kept turning pages though.  But tears kept coming down.  all my fault.  Did this all to myself.  At least there’s a purity there.  can’t blame anyone else.  Don’t avert, what were you saying?

Oh yes, started out very simply, verifications.  It’s so hard to trust anyone these days, isn’t it?  With good reason. Just look at me!  then a bit of time travel.  This must have been…not quite before.  No, was this all planned out.

Even now, right this very moment, I am constructing an elaborate fantasy to make all this better.  And I will repeat this fantasy to myself a million times a second until it becomes my reality.  No, but underneath will always be waiting.  But it will be so close, it will so so close and it will dry my tears.  Oh, what lovely work harkens to that fantasy, this shared human experience, united we all are in our ugliness and helpless slave nature to sin. 

Take away the….

I don’t know if I can ask for this.  I see how it all has to happen.  I know exactly how it has to happen.  Bright lights, blue everywhere, hahaha, there it is again, electric blue.  Too appropriate.  I’ve got problems.  At least there’s some solace somewhere.  Fucking up is my only talent. 

But no,  I walk in.  then I’m shaking.  All written out and still shaking.  I understand this is the last time.  I need to ask for forgiveness.  That is the only thing.  We’re all so careless.  It’s all out there in the air somewhere.  And this presence of the other.  Was it somehow planned?  Knowledge of this danger had to be present.  Was this orchestrated?  Of course it was.  But I’m just too fucking stupid to figure out who’s pulling the strings here.  oh well, it doesn’t really make a difference.  My sins remain the same.  But see, there it is, in the face of what is necessary my elaborate fantasy is already providing a defense.  How disgusting. How fucking repulsive.  No, I need to say, I know this is the last time, all by my own doing.  I’m so fucking awful.  Please forgive me.  this was all so fast.  At some other time, there is some other dimension where this all makes sense and I am not such a vile piece of shit.  But I only have this world and it is a world entirely of my own creation and the only world I deserve. 

I would not be myself the next time around.

Crying again.  I am I am a terrible thing.  And everything around is me. 

Yes, started there and little things were dropped here and there.  and then a list and the image and all at once everything connected and why wasn’t someone told to stay away.  How could this have happened?  I have no right to anything good.  Betrayals all around.  I always betray. I can’t fucking get to the heart of it.  I can’t lay it bare.  I obfuscate.  This is my escape.  Even in the realm of confession I am spinning a fantasy. 

Just want to die in your arms. Please just let me die in your arms.  My desires are corruption.  I can’t even wish for my own death in a proper way. 

And of course…so lovely and idealized the response…this could never be real life.  There can only be fear afterward.  Trust is lost forever.  Why is it that even though things are clearer he feels more lost than ever?  This is the central….this is the…because it was all working, so much better than expected.  And yet he still found a way to fuck it all up.

Ah, and now he wishes this knowledge could be taken way, just whisked away, flip back the pages, it never happened.  If only.  But you go looking, and open things up…things you had no right to.  And you can’t undo anything.  Your sin is all splayed out.  Exposed and grotesque and these things will never be forgotten.  and they are only just beginning to explore the limits of their destructive power. 

Such a short amount of time.  and so much good being done, none of it from me.  from me there was only sin. Corruption.  A poisoned soul that poisons everything in it’s proximity. 

I did something very bad.  do you know what it is?  That’s how it starts.  There’s a lovely imaginary version of how it all turns out.  But this cannot be.  And I just want to say I’m sorry.  He just wants your forgiveness.  Things are far more gone than he realized.  Very little makes sense anymore.  But there are no excuses.  And no one else to blame.  Would there be fear present during this recollecting?  Almost certainly. how did this happen?  Because you willed it to happen. You wanted it to happen.  You’re only happy when it’s all going to hell.

No matter what I do everything is tainted.  This is what I have done.  In truth or lies everything is tainted and awful and the reason is because I am awful.