even third (perfection)

Outlining a new project in the early mornin’.  More frantic now after so much liquidity.  I fall into nonsense right away.  A bit sentimental in the evening, eh?  Everything held together by such a fragile thread.  Was it fish and chips.  Ten dollars for fish and chips, what the fuck?!  Yes, it was the same location.  Odd looking dogs.  I loved the way you said the word torture.  Spring dress.  Green and some point.  Cornflower.  Have to remember everything.  Close at the potluck.  Smile.  Hug.  Very flattering.  Nothing matters anymore, chance encounter later on at a place with a lot of western wear.  Boy am I a worthless individual.  Don’t want to let this go even though it was always nothing.  I ascribed meaning to it but it was nothing.  But I would feel the absence too much.  Can’t even put it into words right now.  And I see how much difference a decade makes.  Boy was I stupid or what?!  Why do I say was?!  Want someone else to see me succeed or know when I die.  I need to bury this now.  Shoulda been tipped off when reading was denied.  Of course it was.  What a worthless soul.  Me.  have to pinpoint the substitute for love.  Oh appropriate afterward the predecessor to perfume following the substitute. 

No paint now.  And on the chair.  So wonderful.  Forward and back.  That’s why it’s post now.  Death abyss.  Makes sense not the train of mind.  Little death.  Tell the truth.  It’s all the same as yesterday’s writings.  Right down to being Outside.  So filthy.  That’s the word I was looking for yesterday and what I am.  So lovely with and without the mask, new muse.  Dying in sweetest sin. 

That was much of the day, right?  Though my internal chronometer was malfunctioning (my skin needs to be a bit more metallic yellow and oh how I long to return but it must a reward after so much self chosen shit, thanks to that mad season, reconnecting after so many years at my tender age, young and old again, but still ultimately nothing).  Eyes are going to fall out soon.  Still thinking about that hotel (which of course brings to mind the motel and still another location with encroaching technology and treacherous identity).  Need to buy a tattered old book and at  some point flight myself from very very high stairs in a big commercial building, screaming with unbridled joy while I do this.  And then BAM I crack my big dome on the hard hard floor and there’s lots of delicious deep red blood everywhere!  But yeah, for much of the day I was trying to figure out the difference in the time zones, seeing when this all happened.  Those brief seconds were my only solace today.

The sexiest I’ve seen in ages.  Total obsession.  Oh how I long to have a drink in a dark smoky locale.  Far far away from here.  I’m creating a pedestal right now. Creating an ideal.  Constructing an elaborate fantasy.  I’m so pedestrian, I’m so much ugly nothing.  I’m putting little hearts everywhere but always through the glass.  There is no real connection anymore.  Lots of strangers out and about.  I know who I am.  But there in that dark location.  I have a drink in hand.  And it’s happening right in front of me, the perfect balance, never too far but always the maximum.  Or something.  I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying but wait yes I do.  Would your gaze fall upon me?  oh please let it be so, let it fall on me and you point to me and smile and start dancing my way.  And something lost and thrown.  Perfumed. 

To die under your gaze, he thinks.  To be eaten by you, to drown in your mouth, drown in your saliva, to be crushed between your teeth. 

Sweets now.  Sweets for the sweet but there is no place for that hear.  Any evil?  That’s me, I think.  No, I’m losing things again, gotta straighten myself out with another drink.  Disguises.  Cookies and cream.  Thick cake.  So many layers.  Pie.  Sheer sugar rush.  Dulces.  But how can I say this with the most appropriate applicable way possible.  There are answers on the great white album and I need to dig it out.  Can’t forget about the second component.  Bouquet.  In both senses here.  but I’ve run out of words again.  I need to figure it all out. 

Standing over me now.  And with so much precision…..  lowering me to the ground.  Tightly wrapped.  A sweet tender smile.  Maternal.  Painful and then gentle and back and forth back and forth.  Allowing breath just as much as absolutely necessary.   You’re telling me now that everything is okay everything is okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s all going to be okay.  But of course these words are not as I know them.  And continuing on.  (to me) “I’ve got you.”  Just going to sleep…don’t fight it…don’t struggle…only make it worse, let it happen.  Holding my trembling hand in one and with the other applying more and more but still with that tender and merciless expert precision.  And then it’s all out and dark.  Waking up later and laying on…looking up, laying on…thinking back to the chair….  And now with comfort stroking his hair and saying again that its okay and not to please not to resist so much next time.  what a lovely smile.  Then I am her footrest and then she eats me.  sweetest sin.  All going back to the same thing.  Oh please to die under your gaze.  Same desire.  Wanting to die in your arms.  Sugar.  Don’t you cry. 

Of course must give a bit of credit to JG here.  more than a bit.  And still more to the sweetmeats.  Confectionery heaven.  This sugar palace I have made my prison, how I adore. 

Man I love that neighborhood threat cover.  Must have listened to it 57 times in a row recently.