design ofdidn't liek mec (avoid Siberian Q)

 Big bucks.  Of course I’m think of wearing a white suit and walking with a limp.  A wrinkled suit preferably.  Check out this chicken outfit.  What?  Chicken outfit!  Brief and brief.  Inventing the language.  Red tint in the bar.  I feel so depressed right now.  Grey clouds inside my head.  They are unusually heavy. Someone blathering on in my ear.  Everyone tells me about their lives and I don’t care.  I wish just about everyone would never talk to me. Nickel plated.  That is the one which is catching my buyer’s eye.  But I don’t dare do it.  Because one night I’d just decide to cash in my chips and then BLAM! my worthless brains stain the dry wall.  In another time I was listening to a couple women discuss a bullfrog and dry humping the drywall.  That spun out of a deep sense of disappointment.  Over and over again.  Anyone could have written those particular songs.  Been listening to that collection of Nancy Sinatra songs called Start Walkin’ recently.  Or have i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  And some other stuff.  The Sontag book is comforting so far.  I don’t really like it when people comfort me because it feels fake and icky.  I really like Iggy Pop.  I’ve been reading Garth Ennis’s Punisher comics and I’m liking what I’m reading so far.  I feel so tired.  Ayelet is so beautiful.   I’m halfway through that miniseries of her’s and she is so lovely and SEXY.  I know what I’m craving.  Something about little cafés and bars.  To be away from everything and be able to be inside a little café in the afternoon and a little dive bar at night.  The only discussion I want is about the only things that matter which is almost nothing.  And it hit that the joel photos and the cipher and the millennium antics and what’s happening outside and industrialization are all connected and all part of the same coin but the phrase the same coin doesn’t make any sense at all here.   I might watch a horror movie later on.  It’s all my fault.  I’m such a worthless person.  Macaroni and cheese the other day.  So cheesy.  It was at the so cheesy part that I utterly lost it.  Stains for days.  Why is all meaning disappearing.  Freddy vs Jason is my favorite vs movie.  Peter hook is such an inspiration.  I forgot to bring my copy of opium confessions today.  I need to carry it with me at all times.  It’s fun to remove bad things from your life but for me to be fully successful I would have to remove myself.  Back to nickel plated again.  Maybe pearl but I think I prefer wood.  I’ve always been a wood man. I remember now the way you said the word torture.  It was so cute.  I remember a nice purple shirt.  I remember fish and chips (TEN DOLLARS FOR FISH AND CHIPS WHAT THE FUCK?!) and how they had precise geometrical shapes and I remember strange dogs and overcooked red meat and odd pasta and newspaper articles and discussions about the depiction of the native American Indian in pop culture and the Italian who wasn’t Italian and so much bullshit because I was so full of shit but this yes this is what he wanted and wants probably maybe though in reality everything will always be ruined because it always comes back to and down to him and him is me and I am a total piece of shit and all these moments are on constant playback and they flash before me over and over again and so I am constantly reminded of what a useless failure I am and only one way to annihilate these worthless thoughts and memories (worthless because everything coming from me is worthless) and we’re back to nickel plated again (pearl or wood?).  things  I like: kate bush’s music and gloria estefan’s music and thalia’s music.  And that last bat for lashes album had some things I could wrap around me.  I like Iggy’s avenue b album a lot and Danielle de niese.  And bebel’s albums have felt really good recently.  I often don’t feel as bad when I drink alcohol.  I drink a lot.  I suspect that I drink more than I should.  Rubber ass.  Diana vs.  can’t even fill this up.  Can’t even make this quota.  Cause there’s nothing to me.  I need to read Ada’s instructions, maybe that will help.  I’m a sinking ship.  My brain is a sinking ship.  Would like to learn kiss me on the bass.  Looks well within my sucky ass capabilities.  My stomach hurts right now.  Lots of times it feels like I’m experiencing everything through a pane of glass.  My stomach does hurt.  Esoteric beliefs.  Feels like no one’s really done an in depth analysis of the communion stuff.  I ate oreos the other day.  Where is all the true beauty anymore.  I don’t understand anyone.  I love being by myself.  I don’t like looking at people and I don’t like listening to this them.  Haris’s music has made me feel calm sometimes.  There is something illusory in my brain that at times approaches beautiful but again, it is illusory.  Fantasy.  That chunk of time came and went with no appreciable difference made.  Par for the course.  I can’t find any meaning anymore. True?  Just got to get it out of the system.  My eyes look tired.  There is no spark of anything left in them.  Maybe if I started playing Pengo at all hours of the day my life would make sense.  Maybe then I could be someone.  I liked that Gore movie I watched the other day.  Liked it a lot actually.  Blue.  I’ll have to show it someone and then not talk about it.  I prefer not talking these days.  I prefer nothing.  I’m going to eat a rotten apple.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  Too much haunting imagery.