1003

 

“good boy” she said to me after I barked like a dog. I had a conversation with NASA recently about ovulating.  Then I talked to an astrophysicist about 3i/ATLAS and my certainty that it’s actually an alien spacecraft.  One of those grifters is pretty sexy and I’m always wildly turned on when she wears turtle necks and is conning my sorry stupid ass.  I would be nowhere without the melted screwdriver I always keep by side.  I underrated the third one but I still don’t quite like how it ends.  Probably hit the bar tonight and get wasted.  And such is the nature of wisdom!  The rubber crocs (or are they gators) and the melted screwdriver.  I’m scratching my knee in anticipation.  Why are there so many fake knockers these days.  what does this all mean?!  The night of the fake knockers!  Remember that season where I fell madly in love with a woman who had fake knockers?!  I yearned for her!  one time she was wearing a leather jacket and she gave me a salutatory pat on the back and I wanted to melt into her arms.  I think I was reading a book at the time and I did not comprehend a single word of it’s roughly 500 pages.  I drank beer with her and her fake knockers.  And we discussed passion and determined the best course of action for her love life which she ultimately did not take.  Do you remember what happened next?!  I was watching a female centric martial arts move and cutting up paper into small pieces and putting those pieces into a cowboy hat that I acquired roughly 9 years ago.  That helped me move past my tender feelings.  Then one day after flying into a drunken rage and losing her job she and her fake knockers abruptly exited my life and I have not seen her since.  That is the tragic love life of one Ricky Insolvency.  People frequently mistake infatuation and lust for love because we’re all stupid monkeys.  Need to watch something about dance soon.  I work tomorrow but I’m not going to apply myself.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  really love that dirty day remix.  I connect that song with someone for whom I have very deep feeling . or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Tried a ghost energy drink the other day.  that was the same day I saw that beautiful woman wearing pantyhose (see previous blog post more details on that).  I’m not really hungry but I’ll probably eat here soon just to check that box.  Was crying the other day with the river of deceit.  My favorite part of relationships is when they start to go bad and people can’t stand each other but pretend otherwise.  It’s truly amazing what a fucking loser I am.  The scales have just tipped too far.  Doubtful that anything good can be made of this mess.  I just took a tremendous crap!  brainfuck! The smell of her nylon ass!  C’mon, water, water!  Need to get back to tangier.  Always self sabotaging.  Always crashing in the.  See the centipedes crawling up the wall!  Blow on them! Smoke them!  Blood from a fucking rock here.  500.  just 500.  Shake baby shake.  Got the 500.  Not so bad.  it’s alive in there, in the text.  Honing in on those moments.  It means something to me at least.  I’m not in Tangier yet, nowhere near, but I’m at least pointed somewhat in the right direction.  Was listening to a Britney Spears album while cranking out this garbage.  I have a little book about this album but I haven’t read it yet.  Maybe I’ll bring it to work tomorrow and it’ll take up a chunk of my die while my work responsibilities continue to languish.  I need to buy liquid soap.  I’m going to eat garbage for lunch tomorrow.  I was looking at these 2 blonde German woman, at their fat asses in red lace panties with pantyhose on top, and listening to them speak in their native tongue when I abruptly exploded in my rent trousers.  Need to buy more liquid soap.  Searching for the Queen of Sleaze lately, it seems.  New figurehead in my life.  but her identity is a mystery (that reminds me of that woman’s feet from the other day).  such is the life of Ricky Insolvency, looking for the Queen of Sleaze, never sure of her identity.  There is some truly scary shit out there though and his focus has been on all the wrong things lately.  That must be why I’m so paranoid when I’m in the shower.  Thinking about being stared at my something horrifying.  Thinking about an antechamber.  What a strange thing, an antechamber.  Step in the right direction though.  Symbols, self mythologizing.  Gotta be careful though.  Would not behoove you to go sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  God I need a drink.  Standing in opposition.  I know who.  No code name.  she has no code name.  of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  She is in so much of the texts.  How much ink spilled in her name.  who is the Queen of Sleaze?  I’m Ricky but who is she?  She is in a lot of places. some are scary.  But the opposition.  There in the early hours.  And then gone.  But still here.  that British guy has some of those answers. The words are powerful.  He writes about her and there she is, standing in opposition, always there in the witching hour without fear.  All the while I drink myself to death.  Keeping thinking that pile of clothing is a dark figure lurking just off to the side there.  remember that ice rink?  The scent of danger was in the air that night?  Laughter, message passed along.  Let me know when you get home.  I care about you.  are you still up at all hours of the night? 

1124

 

These days I mostly spend my time dropping Bible verses, watching birds fuck and lamenting the passing of the Aztec civilization.   Timecube! Earthfucking!  The other day I was sitting in a corner, scared out of my mind and thinking about triangles.  Cardboard is really building up in my posh flat.  Ate canned fish recently.  Ricky Insolvency here again! Still under water and bringing you true pure journalism.  From the gutters of New York. Just learned that my favorite watering hole is going to be closed early tonight for a staff Christmas party.  This means I’ll have to get wasted within the confines of my posh flat.  I was watching a wrestling movie last night from the 80’s that was very good.  I listened to music on the way to work this morning.  I recently ate a small packet of fruit snacks and washed it down with a glass of luke warm tap water (personal favorite).  I’m lost in the invisible forest again.  I think I seek these things out because they make me feel special.  Or some bullshit like that.   Whoops! Dropped my balls! Lemon Kid beckoning again.  Need to invest more in nonsense.  Was looking at some thunder thighs last night.  Glad the sobriety didn’t hold.  The liquor weight is coming back.  was out late to stave off the fear.  Been thinking too much about triangles lately.  About to embark on the next great and sure to be failed chapter of my increasingly worthless life!  was eating some peanuts earlier.  Was reading a report earlier.  Need to get back to Tangier, sweat it out and write my own reports.  Always fighting my way back.  Damn I really need to lay off the caffeine.  Or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Had some peace for a while.  Didn’t last too long.  Oh well.  Checking on rejections, all the same.  i’m a reading a book right now and I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not it’s a piece of crap.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Cleanse.  Writing water again.  Not yet but hopefully soon.  a new photo went up.  Quite lovely.  Having trouble forming thoughts anymore.  I don’t think it’s because things are becoming more abstract.  Or more just feels like things are becoming undone, closing in themselves, disappearing and taking all remnants of themselves with them.  There is just less.  My existence is just blowing away.   An inappropriate ex boss gave me something with a ufo on it.  it was a nice gift.  So many people are just lost and are committed to being lost.  Ate some bread earlier.  I like the new girl down at the local watering hole.  She is pleasant.  She has a fun laugh.  Nice energy. But she’s too excited when she sees me.  I’d like her to express more disdain or annoyance or at least indifference.  Red ribbon  I liked the red ribbon.  Red heart, red heart.  Feel like I should take a nap.  Cyr.  Was crying at some point while driving around.  I sent my thanks to a guy who gave me a used book around 23 years ago.  Green on the cover.  The other day there  was nothing I would l have loved more than.  I successfully disabled the copilot.  I’m moving so slow.  Stunning.  Could barely speak.  Dying to know how her pantyhose clad feet would smell at the end of that long day of good honest work.  but that sacred knowledge would never be mine.  drove around and listened to that one song that always reminds me of her.  then I promptly ejaculated into my rent trousers.  Reminds me of some writing course taught by a British guy.  Could be good.  It’s good to free up thoughts.  They were leading me around by dick.  Aircraft! What are they gonna think of next?  hovercraft?!  That woman was talking about bruising and how was worried that her implant was damaged.  So she whipped out one large boob and showed it to me, the nipple very pronounced.  Then she seemed embarrassed about the whole thing.  I didn’t really feel much of anything.  Mound flesh and synthetics with a pronounced nipple.  It just kind of sat there, not really doing anything, it’s presence neither remarkable nor offensive.  Not sure if I should have reacted a different way.  I will say the work done was good, I had not known they were synthetic.  Or maybe I didn’t care enough to consider it?  maybe I should have cared more.  Maybe I’ll read more pulp novels in the coming year.  You can usually find me at one of three places: my posh flat, my dead end job or the local watering hole.  And I’m not at one of those places it’s probable that I’m driving to and/or from one of those places.  I received a used action figure in the mail yesterday but I did not order this item.  I was so disturbed by it’s arrival that I kept it in my car rather than bringing it up to my posh flat.  I was worried that I was starting to receive correspondence and/or parcels from outside intelligences and I was terrified of inviting that into my home.  Such is the paranoid, dreary life of one Ricky Insolvency!  Still thinking about her feet.  How they would have looked and smelled in that dark pantyhose.  How I would have given everything for her to use my face as her personal footrest while she laughs at and berates me and/or tends to common or menial tasks on her phone such as paying bills or making loose plans with friends and associates.  The smell of those sweaty pantyhose clad feet at the end of a day of good honest work would have been heaven.  I would kiss the soles as she demanded.  I would kiss the toes as she demanded.  Would have rejoiced in her telling me what a fucking loser I am, how unworthy I am, how pathetic I am.  Gonna cook up some red meat a little later.  Gotta get back to tangier.  Water.  I think I need a drink.  I don’t like silence.  It scares me.  It makes me feel like I have no control over what is about to happen.  I uttered those words countless times some 23 years ago.  Back when I was trying to learn and understand things that I still am nowhere close to mastering.  I will likely always be a worthless failure.  Should have happened by now.  these words feel depressing.  I need a drink.  I’m wondering how many more things I can screw up.  The losses keep adding up and it’s not cute anymore.  just sad.  Time to cut and paste. 

1062

 

Ricky Insolvency here again, with true journalism.  Need to watch that Abel documentary.  Abel was all about true journalism.  That one about the hotel was brilliant.  I put it on every time I go hit the bar.  speaking of, last night’s booze really hit me hurt.  Like a big back of juicy liquid shit!  I’m currently trying to save up enough scratch to buy a laserdisc copy of the 1986 movie Touch and Go.  Or am i?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  Maria Conchita Alonso’s pantyhose clad feet are so sexy.  I wish she would crush my face with them while laughing and mocking me.  especially after a long hard day devoted to the craft of acting where he feet would be very smelly.  That would really do it for me.  Travis vs. the syrup.  Those are my thoughts over black coffee aka my morning mud; Travis vs. the syrup.  Eyes roll back, face deep in Sheena’s hosiery clad ass due to a potent reverse headscissor.  I drink the tea, I drink the tea.   Had to postpone that pasta dish I was going to prepare.  Drank coffee in an empty waiting room yesterday.  At one point I ate a sandwich with chicken and provolone.  I added mustard and mayonnaise and sucked out what was left of the confidents straight from the little packets.  Key persons did not say hi to me last night.  All the same I drink the tea, I drink the tea.  Helped a happy woman sign her receipt.  From memory that was the second time in my life I’ve done such a thing and both were extremely grateful.  then i ordered some alt lit crap.  Need to read some comics today.  I ate a cheeseburger last night while at a parking lot.  I do some of my best thinking in parking lots.  I was once in a parking lot when I realized I really like the color brown and I rushed to text a long distance friend about this revelation.  I was reading about bars and a transexual at that time.  or was I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gotta go get groceries soon.  and maybe take out a payday loan.  Typical day in the life of Ricky Insolvency.  I’m constantly under water.  Constantly having my thirst quenched.  I drink the tea, I drink the tea.  I’m unthawing sausages.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Where’s my Sheena Easton collection?!  Get it in wax!  I wish someone would buy me a fretless bass guitar.  I wish I could read Carol Rainey’s full memoir.  The sausages seem to be defrosted.  My shirt is a cotton polyester blend.  If the aliens entered my mind and asked me to give up chocolate (for my health) that would be a very tall task for yours falsely.  I ate chocolate two days ago.  I almost ate it yesterday too but I didn’t have the scratch.  Such is the fate of Ricky Insolvency.  I regret my past.  Might listen to emo music later on while I drive around.  Might shit in my hand and eat it instead, licking excrement off my fingers like barbecue sauce.  Could go either way really.  Lower back pain .  reminds me of how great she looked at the head of that big party table, bending over slightly to hear a mumbler, glorious fat ass tightly crammed into some black pants.  Someone else at some point was waring cat ears and that and the glorious fat ass was enough for me to almost really fucking lose it right then and there.  I recently put my hand on my face.  I recently texted someone a photo of a cake.  Need to stock up on XFL merch.  That reminds to save up enough scratch to order a custom.  Justice.  Pick the outfits.  Gotta clean my car.  It’s  a fucking mess.  Time to fry up some sausages.  Might take a calcium chloride bath in a little bit to unwind.  At some point I gotta go downtown and try that pie bar.  I love pie.  It’s been far too long since I’ve had key lime pie.  Or has it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  S4.  Who was Victor.  Need to look up some of these reports.  Need to read up about the unexpected pregnancies.  Need to go downtown to get some catfish at some point.  Extractor is such as harsh word what commemorates the end of a very brief era.  I was reading a book a few minutes and reminiscing about all those lovely intimate moments where I helped a attractive woman fill out the merchant copy of her bar bill.  They are among the most intimate moments of my life.  I’m probably going to open a can of something or other for dinner.  I love cans.  I find the ambient music I’m listening to right now to be slightly unnerving.  I admire con artists.  I once had a supervisor tell me that I love mediocre work and she was so right.  I’m chuckling about it right now as I remember that moment.  I once had a supervisor with big cans who at one point appeared to be fingering herself through her slate business slacks while looking at me and listening to me explain a problem for which – at that time – I had no solution for.  I remember feeling confused by her actions but not calling attention to it.  I gotta take a leak.  I’ll probably go to the bar later and watch part of a movie on my phone while drinking alcohol.  I recently saw someone wearing pants that looked a lot like a shirt I have.  The shirt is a cotton polyester blend.  I wash it on a more gentle cycle.  I need to buy some new clothes soon.  I need to order some razors soon.  I use the Mach 3 from Gillette.  Three blades.  Triple protection .  it gives me an incredibly close smooth shave.  I can’t tell how much I like or dislike boredom.  The last video I beat off to featured a chubby woman in pantyhose.  But it was ultimately the hairs growing out of one of the large moles above her lip that brought me to the climax of sexual excitement.  I need to buy liquid soap. 

1114

 

Picked up some centipedes today while buying groceries.  At home I read some pages from a pulp novel and read some Green Lantern comics.  By them.  Development of a new muse is underway.  This will all be kept clean though.  Just have to push through the phases.  Gotta listen to tom and warren and jazz.  I often drive to work and cry while listening to a song of the bangles first album.  Or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, it’s true.  Cried a couple times today.  The futility of it all.  Been falling more for the golden age.  Black and white a great comfort.  need to make some pasta dishes soon.  waitress the other day had a big fat ass and was wearing cat ears and I just lost it.  I mean I really fucking lost it.  need to reread a book I read years ago but was too young and stupid to fully appreciate.  Talked about the book with a girl at the bar a few years ago.  I believe it was her favorite book.  she was younger and smarter than me.  ate cereal this morning.  Probably will hit the bar soon.  I’m very sleep now.  ate some fried chicken earlier.  Less tired today than yesterday.  Stress levels may be higher.  It’s shaped like a hump and I have to ride to it the top and feel those things and then just coast on down to return to a proper place.    I just took a big steamy shit! Was watching a Chinese movie earlier.  Then I remembered an American made Chinese small restaurant delivery guy movie I watched months ago.  Made me wish that was my job.  I gotta get that movie.  gotta buy it and put it on all day in the background.  Think I’ll call in sick this week even though I won’t be sick.  Or I will be?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  Need to fill in the holes with Phillipe and Wim like I’ve been doing with others.  Yogurt looked good.  Gotta start scatting my way through life as only I can.  Need to start scatting my way through an everyday tale of alien abduction.  Almost stayed til last call but I got too tired.  probably left right before last call was called after downing a whiskey on the rocks.  Need to buy a couple decks of cards: on standard Bicycle and the other a tarot deck.  Need to order a Singapore sling at some point.  Need to assume a $30,000 loan at 15% at some point.  Need to get of all these cardboard boxes.  Life is so dreary.  Need to have a drink and write some garbage.  Muse barely spoke to me last night.  That’s okay though.  Riding that hump to the top.  I’m getting to the top.  Then I’ll live there at the top for a while, bathed in white light, and it will too intense, too all consuming, but then it’ll pass and I’ll start rolling downhill and everything will be nice and dreary again.  Comfortably glum.  Remind to put on the manhunter soundtrack while I drive around later.  Good thing I found those centipedes the other day.  all neatly in a bundle.  Good I learned how to make pb and j sandwiches or we would have starved to death.  I was kissing her leather boots by an open flame.  She’d put on some godawful shit by blue October and that should have been the forty seventh major red flag.  Need to listen to some new age crap while I write some garbage later.  Gonna make some eggs here in a bit.  Good thing I bought that bottle of Cholula or I would have starved to death.  Green.  Speaking of green I just finished issue 5 of Grant’s run on Green Lantern and loved how it contextualized everything that had come before.  Or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, I did! still working my through that particular run and still loving it.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  SHEENA!!!  I’m cycling through someone again.  Thought about a rainy afternoon, not unlike today, with the window open a little, curtains, everything mostly silent.  Nourishment.  All evaporating quickly.  I have so little left.  I guess as long as I have a pen. 

Ricky Insolvency here reporting from the sidelines.  I’m here like the Lemon Kid.  Briefly, he wished he was her sweater.  At some point I was sitting on recently cooked scrambled eggs in an effort to stay warm.  Museless for a while.  Maybe my alcoholism has to go away for a while.  Maybe my alcoholism has a to get a lot more serious.  Gonna try out a pasta recipe tomorrow.  I was desperately looking for a pencil sharpener a couple minutes ago.  Reacquainted myself with a score I love recently while driving through the rain.  Lately been worried that my chest will soon be exploding.  Eating boiled eggs out of her ass.  Kate’s been one of the only things keeping me going recently.  Where will I go tonight for my imbibing?  I’m under water again, not much to report, don’t see much.  Former boss devolving further into monsterdom.  Lovely memories or sniffing her shoes, kissing her feet, wrapping her used smelly hosiery around my head.  And I just fucking lost it.  I mean I really just fucking lost it.  They fall like flies.  Need to watch some documentaries soon.  Probably have breakfast for lunch soon.  Need to take a good crap here in a few minutes.  Don’t know what I see anymore.  She said it was awkward sometimes, on the floor, smiling at those who’d sexually harassed her previously.  You’re jumping in too quick I told her in my mind.  It’s too soon to think about moving in together.  Maybe I should deliver packages.  My dream has always been to run a laundromat.  My favorite bartenders are the ones who look at me with disgust.  I like when people think they’re important.  I like when people talk a lot about their job and want others to know that their job is important.  I love when pages are intentionally left blank.  I went to a meat market recently and bought two chicken breasts.  He wrapped it up in butcher paper and with a black magic marker wrote “2 birds – breasts”.  This pleased me.  Too much solipsism.  People are exhausting.  I like when people calmy wreck good things in their lives.  I like how stupid we all are.  I need to buy a pencil sharpener.  Then I can write in led all day. 

wolf pig elk

 

That’s right! It’s your old pal Jimmy Adjudication!  AKA Johnny Impotency! Here I sit, in my Fortress of Ineptitude, pecking out purple prose, more worthless musings of deeply pathetic man.  THE FUTURE IS INFINITE!!!  Hands shaking now. so depressed lately.  Is TM the answer?  it’s a hunger.  EVERYTHING IS AWFUL!!!  I punch holes in the walls of my apartment and it is inside those holes where my children will live.  They will all grow up to be cultists and serial murderers!!!  Good thing I bought a new box of Space Flakes today, my favorite cereal!  Missing her tonight.  going to drink for a while then go to bed.  Lot of crutches to get rid of but I porbably can’t. 
words as a necessary thing.  All wound up right now.  booze is not helping.  Slept a few hours earlier.  Saying goodbye to myself in a crowded room.  Fat assed Latinas everywhere.  Felt very little.  Toward that.  saying goodbye to myself while others laughed and sang and danced and cheered.  A friend who will always put a negative spin on things.  of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  MY BABIES!!! Need restoration.  I feel very grateful.  I fell love.  Electronic godliness someone once said.  teared up multiple times while saying goodbye to myself.  Never fully realized the beauty of anthology.  Tearing up now.  going to revive the love of certain things.  there is so much beauty.  And too much time spent on awful things and things that don’t matter.  very grateful.  Inevitable.  And everything feel so sad.  All this struggle for nothing.  On the streets selling things.  desperate.  Never rising above this station.  We’re barley eeking out an existence.  Taxi service.  Old man liked the way she dressed.  Seemed nice.  We’re barely anything at all and then we’re nothing.  I’m crying and writing and it is the only thing that barely makes me feel better.  Hot dog stands all over the place.  Hot dog stands and fat asses.  I’m homing in on the signal’s origin.  We’re all dancing the waltz.  More than two decades ago.  Laundry service.  Saying goodbye to myself.  I felt positivity earlier in this summer.  Lovely positivity and I can feel it again.  It all went so smooth.  Handfuls of sand.  Ocean water.  Remembering the first thing I heard.  If you leave.  If you go.  Everything is so different now.  and we’ve left behind beautiful versions of ourselves.  And the current versions are so fragile and so full of compromise and pain and insecurity.  And sometimes they are betrayals of ourselves. And we spend so much time and energy to fight our way back to something pure.  And when we find it, it is so fragile and tender.  And needs to be held and reminded that we are loved.  We barely eek out an existence but this fragile moments in between all the bullshit and the nothing, those are what matters and what remain worth it.  thinking of wallets now.  …and all the things I deserve, for being such a….  need to read up on white dreams.  And anthology.  From whom did we learn how to leave.  This is all so fleeting.  All this pain in our bones.  Please forgive me.  A mother and daughter with the same smile.  In that moment, feeling the words. 

Words still as a necessary thing.  As I proceed to make a total ass out of myself.  Not in every context though . I did not take that four minute journey to indulge in nostalgia.  Need to hit the sauce soon.  neck is sore.  Dressed all in black.  Silver chain.  Revitalizing.  Lovely dresses all around.  Something like a massive club.  Orange and red.  Starting off quiet.  Storm.  Unknown.  Destination known.  One of the all time best.  Watching on the day she died.  Peaks.  Revitalizing.  One two of the two with the same name.  nationality and then narcotics.  Metaphor for romance and sex.  Man of few words.  All went perfect.  I ate a disgusting hot dog recently but the woman who sold it to me was very friendly.  I also ate a very disgusting breakfast recently.  Think I’ll fry up some fish tomorrow.  Somewhere in the midst of all that I was watching something fantastic on my phone.  Great transition.  The cat in the hat, take a shot of tequila if you can spare it.  I was drinking tequila the other day.  or was i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Need Clive’s voice again soon? hands sore.  Fingers sore . feel kinda weary.  General sense of unhappiness somewhere but that’s okay.  Shaved late.    Wow the words are coming so slow . so very little to say.  Sore neck.  There is a connection I need to cut.  Maybe that was the start of rekindling.  All done with electronics I think.  Security.  Start of rejuvenation . go on now to us.  Red in front.  Blood.  I can get back to that.  whether there is another chance or not I can get back to that.  penance.  Bookended, don’t you see.  They were right there in the themes of betrayal and then later on it all came roaring back to deny you the moment you wanted.  A couple of awful villains.  I get it.  I was the asshole.  we.  But time to be separate from all that.  things just go awry sometimes.  Go on the deep dive.  Dream.  Saga.  Remember the shot of positivity.  Remembering when a shame was shared.  Because there was no one else around.  The canonical moments are so important and be returned to again and again.  Everyone has their secret shame.  Been hearing a comforting cricket a lot lately.  Need to watch good things soon.  need to feel good.  But the words are the way too late.  Push away the days.  her fat ass looked great in those little black shorts.  And the exposed pale jiggling thighs.  It’s good to sit things out.  Jeez, it’s been.  Candy, so fine.  Would there be anyone there to dance with?  Who does he miss? 

yellow door

 

Johnny Impotency here again, struggling to find any shred of happiness in this miserable world.  No, that’s not quite right.  The problem is that I am a worthless failure.  Always fucking up.  Always up fucking!  A round of bra shots for my boys (see Ed Gein)!  I thought love balloons.  No!  I love thought balloons.  Secret world coming back.  time to move on.  So little makes you feel good anymore.  editorial notes.  I should live in a hold in the ground and eat a lot of canned beans.  You can probably find me at the bar tonight around midnight.  That early early morning packet.  The desperate prayers.  Just licked laundry soap off my fingers.  silver age.  Can’t believe there is only two days.  it’s no crime to escape.  I’m just disappearing into my own produced garbage.  I need something else to disappear inside of.  Lashes.  This past week was bad.  could this upcoming week actually be even worse?  Is my brain going wrong?  Maybe I should have a goth makeover and start adopting a real goth sense of style to show the world how sad I am inside.  I ate a steak last week but it wasn’t very good.  I turned down free pizza yesterday in an act of passive aggression and pettiness.  Life isn’t worth living if it can’t be toxic.  Two two two.  If only my Ukrainian girlfriend could help me sleep.  Zzzz.  Aggghhhh she’s eating my brain (I promptly ejaculate into my rent trousers!)!!!! gotta read some Jack Kirby comics here in a little while.  Or do i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I slept well.  Think I’ll eat wings later on today.  Think I’ll buy cleaning products later today.  I’m going to read a short story in a few minutes while drinking black coffee.  Maybe I’ll fry up some eggs just for the shit of it.  feel like my brain is under too much strain and I can only concentrate on simple things.  is this due to external stresses?  My alcohol intake?  A combination of the two?  Something else entirely?  Was thinking about being tortured and strangled by Sheena this morning and that brought some comfort.  then I slept too much.  I recently read a short story I really liked.  I recently read a novel that had WAY too much plot.  Need more angst.  Wow, I’d forgotten that Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is a breezy 90 minutes!  I’d also forgotten that it’s a total pile of crap!  Never thought about the ego being put into it.  that makes sense.  The failure becoming a failure. 

I wonder what I said?  peeling myself up off the floor.  Potent combination of booze, depression and self loathing really flattened me out.  Ate wings recently.  Self control recently but more in an incidental sort of way.  New car?  Doesn’t really matter.  depression does make a lot of decisions easier and in that sense it is underrated.  3 days in, same old failure.  No strength to play dress up.  Tomorrow will likely be a depressing day.  already thinking about tomorrow night’s drinks.  Ate a lot of pie recently.  Hard to work up proper enthusiasm about things.  I need to be more polite in general.  Can’t really even look forward to going to sleep anymore because waking up is getting worse and worse. I think there’s a few upcoming things I’m looking forward to but it’s hard to be sure anymore.  everything is just kinda flat and gray.  Not entirely true, I read a book lately I really liked.  or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yawning a lot as I write this.  My words bore the shit out of me.  such a terrible writer.  gotta celebrate next weekend.  I can never just have a nice peaceful eventless weekend.  They’re always full of some bullshit.  Oh and I watched a movie I loved a couple days ago.  Pretty much perfect.  Was it last night’s pills and booze that tired me out?  Maybe.  The bar life is calling to me again.  Was in a frenzied state at one point but now I am calm.  Lot of money down the drain.  Never learn.  I think there’s a miniseries I want to watch.  I kinda get the sense that someone is just as lost as me.  maybe a connection there?  probably not.  Washed the dishes earlier and that was nice.  Gotta restart that Neal Adams comic.  I can’t remember what the message was but since it was from me I’m sure it was meaningless.  Lot of chatter.  Wish to remain unfindable?  No, no way could he show himself.  Out there in the damn sticks.  There would only be shame.  If only I could meet Cassie and she could grant that wish.  To be completely undone.  Love the twitchiness of the zero year.  Still going through it, breezy in parts, pointless in many others.  Needs a lot a lot of work.  then an apology.  All feels so empty.  I’m helping someone though.  There’s that.  I think for breakfast tomorrow I’ll have a slice of bread, a slice of cheese and a banana and black coffee.  I need to buy applesauce.  i drank a lot of soda this past week.  But it was only because a bottle of soda had been left behind.  But that phase is over.  Tomorrow night’s drinks should feel good. That album reminds me of her, zoo.  Horses over the….  Everything fake.  I’ll finish this and it won’t mean anything.  I love the transition of Saturday night to Sunday morning. Was watching a black and white movie not long ago.  Drank coffee today but it didn’t seem to have much effect. Advanced satellite imagery could not provide me with the answers I sought.   Everything stayed surface with me for a good long while.  Almost time to talk to a lot of people I don’t care to.  Salty.  Dust.  I really love Elizabeth.  People imagine connections where none exist.  I’m imagining connections where none exist.  i’m tired. 

defended red and the story continues to travel

 

Tomorrow’s gonna be a real terrific day.  I can feel it, deep in my asshole!  someone was listening to the ill mind of hopsin a decade or so ago.  Even longer ago than that I was reading a book about Sojourner Truth (ain’t I a woman?).  but much more recent I was making a total and complete ass of myself down at the local dive.  If there’s one thing I love in life it’s making a total and complete ass of myself.  I gotta stop asking for forgiveness because it’s disingenuous.  I’m a misty eyed disingenuous fuck.  Crocodiles.  Maybe I should show up to work drunk this week.  Don’t know what the afternoon will bring but I suspect there may be wings in there some fucking where . slept too late this morning because I’m a loser.  Have an urge to watch something ugly.  some kind of ex gangster was talking to me last night about a civil suit he has with the local police.  Showe’d a bunch of marks on his chest.  Chest also had a massive gang tupe tattoo but I couldn’t tell what it said. he had a gross flabby body.  He called me guey a lot.  Said my Spanish was fucked up.  Complimented my English though which was nice.  I cowarded out at some point.  Made a point to tell the nice bartender.  Bartender shouldn’t have to put up with my shit.  Twice.  I’m so sorry for that.  please I need The Good Witch to make me disappear.  Just completely undo my sorry worthless ass.  What else?  He talked about he had killed someone down in CA.  Beverly hills area code.  Killed someone as part of a gang thing but there’s no paper trail.  That’s important, no paper trail means it didn’t really happen.  Talked about a bunch of assaults and a DUI and some other crap.  Wasn’t paying full attention.  Mostly just wanted to drink but as usual, humanity clings to me like a disease.  Talked about a parenting plan situation he’s in currently.  Can only see his kids an hour a week or maybe every other week, under supervision cause of the civil thing.  And because his ex accused him of beating the ever living shit out of her.  though he maintains this never happened and he would never hit a woman.  He was mostly concerned about whether he could be hit with an alimony payment, said his ex already cleaned out the bank account.  He wanted legal advice.  Never  fully understood what my job actually is but he offered multiple times to pay undisclosed amounts of money to perform various legal services, all of which I politely declined.  He bought me a drink, was slightly rude to the bartender in so doing and excused himself to take a piss several times.  He offered to pick up my entire tab but I also respectfully declined this.  He asked multiple times about my marriage status, about if I had kids, at some point I believe he offered to hook me up with an acquaintance of a prostitute.  He said I was handsome on multiple occasions and I think he complimented my education.  He talked about the LLC he started.  I think his job was working on power lines or something similar.  He makes roughly $250,000 a year and wants to start landing big government contracts  He offered to call me an uber.  I raced home drunk and scared and fell asleep watching one of my favorite Dennis Hopper movies.  The one that drives my desire to find the perfect tweed jacket.  Someone else was looking for the perfect blow job but that would never be me (black on black on black on black…you swore that you’d love me, forever and a day).  to live is to be sick a long time.  I’m not going to shave today.  I will face the world as an unshaven man.  maybe it was all performance art.  He said he’d been at the bar for roughly 7 hours.  He was drinking those beers that come in the stubby little bottles.  Was having a hard time getting into Karol G’s new album the other day so I backed off.  I’ll come back to it later.  Or will i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  The Symbol of Purity called back to me.  It’s sometimes hard for me to reconcile all the disparate elements of my personality.  Or maybe problem is I don’t one dominant overriding personalities but more like 3 or 4 fractured pieces of a personality that never quite connected and occasionally wrestle for dominance and leave me exhausted because they are all grotesque, needy and startlingly incompetent.  I think I’ll eat a parfait soon, take a crap and then for a drive to retrieve a notebook I left behind somewhere.  Then I’ll go to the store and buy some food and do some busy.  Just another worthless day in a life full of them.  At some point I’ll probably exhibit a lack of self control and drive somewhere for a margarita.  The day will be up before I know it.  my life too, probably, if I keep wasting it like this.  God I hate people, including (and maybe especially) myself.  That coffee I drank this morning made me feel good.  I’ve been meaning to write a google review about an establishment I frequent.  Maybe I’ll do that later.  Fit that into my busy ass schedule.  Maybe writing google reviews will be the thing that finally makes me happy.  I don’t want to feel too good today because I’ll need a little grit for tomorrow.  Was watching various videos of balbina rubbing her feet together in pantyhose.  That was nice for a while.  That’s right, as I was leaving I saw someone else, red hair, looking scandalous and wonderful, she said hi to me and I said hi to her and wished I could have sat with her all evening instead of that Beverly hills gangster.  But of course my night never could have worked out like that.  for me, it’s always too late.  That’s just the pathetic worthless fucked like you lead when you’re simultaneously Jimmy Adjudication and Johnny Impotency! 

cookie

 

Calmness or something.  A fictitious woman representing hope was telling me to come so I would not cry.  Or something.  Someone just opened the door in the silky bathrobe.  Someone else had really let themselves go yet still somehow oozed sensuality.  Or did they?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  And The Symbol of Purity, there, behind everything.  Why not yesterday?  Maybe tomorrow.  Boots repeated.  And then a lovely lovely witch.  Found something.  Getting harder and harder to be a failure.  I mean in terms of how bad it makes me feel, not in terms of the ease with which I fail.  In terms of the ease, it’s getting easier and easier to be a failure.  I think I’ll eat a parfait tomorrow. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a real shitty week but what the hell, I deserve it.  he went to touch the kitchen sink faucet and the faucet fell off and a bunch of little cockroaches came swarming out.  Someone spilled pepsi cola over a bunch of rusty keys.  I drank three cans of pepsi cola the other day.  pepsi is so much better than coke.  I can’t figure out why coke is more popular but I suspect it’s the branding.  They have great branding.  I shared a bowl of chili and chips with an incredibly sexy Amazonian woman last night.  I bought her drink.  Her friend came and she moved from the bar to a table.  She invited me to join them but I never went over to sit with them.  I knew I would not have anything to contribute to that group and the shared chili and chips while imbibing was sufficient.  For the rest of the night instead of my usual tears I laughed hysterically while drinking.  a couple bartenders asked me what was so funny and I told them I’d had a terrible day.  I think the laughter was offputting to several in my immediate vicinity including perhaps the bartenders.  I recently broke out my old Ghost Whisperer dvd’s.  or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Utterly gorgeous ass.  Would love to give it big kisses.  Someone on the interwebs was asking for a comfort horror movie we love.  I have several but I added a poster of Scream 2 for my choice.  I adore that movie.  Woods!  I can’t remember if I mentioned this last time but I recently read a novel that I didn’t really care for but I could respect what the writer was doing and that the writer needed to get this stuff out.  Or whatever.  Who fucking cares?  I love conversations.  A great conversation can be so intimate and unforgettable.  I recently had a great one at an airport while throwing back whiskey and wine.  I recently rubbed one out.  Flower.  That was a really huge load.  Were you saving up for me?  man what a shit week this past week was.  (Raises glass): here’s to a lousy life!  I’m thirsty.  I need to drink a glass of tepid tap water (my favorite).  Searching for abstractions but everything’s been too literal lately.  Yesterday, I rolled the seat back and lowered and laid in my car for ten minutes and just cried.  At some point I was listening to Pat Benatar but that could have been before and/or after.  Time tonight.  need to be burning in water again.  Been liking a lot of stuff that I’ve been watching lately.  Guess I don’t really have much else to say.  Been caring for that humiliation kink.  In all my fantasies I am deeply humiliated.  Find it difficult to connect with people lately.  I’ll probably eat some eggs tomorrow.  I think I now know all the best times.  Man, the day really got away from me.  probably feel something like that when the end comes.  Dressed look nice.  Talked about a motorcycle.  I was thinking about a lovely witch the other day who was going around granting wishes in roundabout lovely ways.  I thought about how if our paths crossed I would wish for her to make me disappear.  But not to kill me (though I guess that would do too).  Rather, my wish would be for her to completely wipe me out of existence, that no one have any memory of me, that all my acts be undone, that I simply never was and never would be.  This thought comforted me.  if I could add a slight detail to the wish it would be for her to hug and then hold my hand and look me in the eyes with a tender smile before she made it happen (and made me unhappen).  I wrote this down longhand in a forest green moleskin notebook with a black pen though I can’t remember the brand of pen offhand.  I’ll probably be having similar thoughts in the months ahead.  I like the dark.  It’s friendly.  Putting out fire with gasoline.  It has likely gone as far as it can.  Already this past week I wisely began to scale it back and hopefully will continue to do so in the coming weeks.  “you can only learn so much and live.”  We all just want.  Myself included.  There is no end to it though.  To be alive is to be sick a long time.  need to pay a couple cards.  Need to save some money cause rent will be coming up before I know it.  God, life is so sad and pointless.  Finding it difficult to enjoy most things.  maybe I’ll do some reading in a few minutes.  Got a couple things on the way.  Fast European train.  That will never be me.  it’s all imaginary.  Maybe coming out of that tunnel though.  Maybe I could have that.  need to get back to Lydia this week.  And that eccentric one, middle eastern maybe, blanking on the name, and the one who sounds really scare.  Give him to rooster.  Really well hung.  Is it most akin to sunshine? 

intuition

 

Yellow.  I recently ate a fair amount of shrimp.  I find myself enjoying seafood more and more these days.  or do i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I recently watched a movie I’d already seen.  I like the part with Dillon’s death but that was from another one in the series.  I watched someone mopping for a while.  Looking great while mopping.  Need to read more novels that are largely plotless.  Been feeling slight depression lately but very slight.  Slight depression is kind of nice in a way.  Watched a bit of Nigella recently.  Forgot how much I love her.  very soothing.  Flatline for a while.  Comfort in the flatling.  We shook hands.  Asked why hand was so cold.  It’s because I had the AC really cranked.  I’ll probably go to the bar later in the middle of the night.  But I’ll leave before last call.  It’d be nice to not have to see or talk to anyone for a while but that’s just not in the cards.  I can feel myself disappearing which is nice.  Just gotta follow that path of disappearance.  I’m yawning as I write this. “I bore myself to sleep at night.  I bore myself in broad daylight.”  I love the idea of people forgetting who I am.  I love the idea of fading away.  Recently someone told me it was nice to see me again and she said it with such conviction that I truly believed her.  there was sadness in her eyes . I think it was because she made good decisions and they are causing her pain.  I just go about a long day and a long night encountering a number of quite lovely people but I just exist on the surface of things for them and that’s nice.  I’m still yawning.  The liquor will wake me up a little.  “Where’s the morning in my life?” Red and yellow.  Black.  Something like powdered sugar the other day.  drank a couple beers earlier.  You know me.  big beer drinker.  Oh to be on a fast moving European train.  I enjoy shaking hands.  So much so that I rarely initiate it these days but it’s always a pleasure when it happens.  I used to think I’m desensitized the things but that can’t be true because almost everything makes me cry or makes me want to go to bed.  I love being asleep but it never lasts long enough though I suspect that one day it will.  Can’t go any further with the new thing.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  I’ll just fade away.  That’s how it should be.  That will make everything better.  I gotta be more responsible with money.  Very impressive mopping.  I’m feeling less green which means I am properly fading.  There was a well dressed man at the same place recently.  Decent looking from what I recall and seemed to invite much chat.  He is far better suited . it is comforting to witness the far better suited.  As it is comforting to fade away.  The idea of the tide taking me away is nice . I like the idea of being gone and everyone gradually completely forgetting about me over the course of a few days.  maybe from a typically gloomy Monday where I’m fresh in the memory but by the time Friday hits everyone I’ve ever known is out somewhere enjoying a drink or with loved ones and they have all forgotten my name, face, personality, everything.  I have completely faded from the world.  Looking forward to wholesome looking movies this summer.  Looking forward to a couple new seaons of some shows I love this summer.  I love that Shakira album with the red cover but it’s not my favorite album of hers.  I have a poster of it though.  They were giving them out for free when the album was released.  That was during one of the heights of my fandom.  Or was it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  I had that poster hanging up for a good long while and then I moved and took it down and never put it back for some  reason but I still have it safely stowed away and that album has only gotten better as the years drag one . it’s a classy work of art.  I’m glad not a lot of things make me happy anymore.  it feels appropriate.  Mopping.  Very strong build.  Lovely build.  I need to buy a book of black and white photographs.  Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow.  I’m reading a short novel that I’m not so sure about but it does feel like the author had to write, had to get out these feelings, which is nice.  I’m thirsty and will drink a glass of water soon . I think the idea of things not really happening in any meaningful order, no real sequencing until afterward when we look back and ascribe order and meaning to things . I like when people are ignorant and proudly express their ignorance.  There was no real language barrier.  I wasn’t faking.  But the other simply had not bothered to try . It wasn’t a big deal either way.  But, it does let me know I’m being talked about.  People always talk about me . but there always comes a point when there is nothing left to talk about because I don’t offer anything more so I just exist in a kind of gray area and that’s okay.  Yellow.  And tied.  So lovely.  Mopping . bad luck today.  Nice that it’s pointed out.  Handshake.  But I will start fading away soon . I found a red pen.  I cannot afford to go at that slowly.  The first time around was slow.  This second time needs to be a fast like a glorious splurge of red hot diarrhea!  I need to print some things.  lots of people think their role in life is meaningful and important but it really isn’t .  I was watching her mop for a long time.  I wanted to drink an absinthe.  There were gulls flying away somewhere 

one comma zero zero two

 

Was watching The Dark Angel again.  And was momentarily happy.  Came out in purple which was new.  Looked lovely.  Put on a very good match.  Good opponent.  Good drama, good back and forth.  The Dark Angel retained which also made me very happy to see.  There was a nice little setup for a future match as well.  She received several good pops.  This push still seems to be very effective, going very well and is very deserved.  Promos are improving.  I won’t provide any criticism right now other than to reiterate that I really liked what I saw and it did me much good on a depressing evening.  Twas a little ray of light.  She seemed so genuinely happy when she retained.  I’m tired.  I drank a beer earlier.  You know me, big beer drinker.  Johnny  Impotency here again, doing whatever.  I often find that I’m too ubiquitous in my own life.  I’m just staying the course but pushing through it.  way out is.  I’m doing it though.  I was once again in the presence of The Symbol of Purity.  Can’t spend the rest of my life eating my own guts though.  Or can I ?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Pink.  Lovely pink.  Too tired now. just want a hand on the shoulder.  just want a hug.  No sections brings the trouble.  Plateaued in the sense of properness.  Course staying is what my life has always been about.  Things will transform into calmer things . secret life of plants to my left.  Still wishing to see someone on a fast moving European train. Found an old receipt in a French book of poetry.  The hours toil away into the night.  I’m a terrible writer.  it’s exorcising though.  It’s bringing him closer.   The timing was off but she still said hi to him anyway which made him feel good.  He was staring at her beautiful ass some of the time which also made him feel good.  The other night I went to sleep because it seemed better than being awake.  Maybe orange tomorrow morning as I am seen in profile.  Through these things I can beat the depression.  Berlin.  Yes, idiot.  And Legion and Fantastic Four comics.  Tired tears in my eyes now.  maybe time to dig out Francoise again.  All the old familiar emotions.  Don’t come any closer.  Shake baby shake.  Not what you think.  I was listening to a song about a car to offer me some comfort.  finished reading an utterly fantastic novel earlier today.  It has a pretty green cover.  Or does it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gotta push some paper around soon.  trying to remember the last time somebody apologized to me.  do narcissists make good partners?  I think Dream Girl was my favorite during The Great Darkness Saga.  I would like to reread that soon.  or would i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gonna drink some wine soon.  I’d be even more of a useless hopeless mess if without writing.  Would like to reread The Tommyknockers soon.  and once the weather heats up even more I need to read a Clive Barker book.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  Bit of a windy day.  heated.  But windy.  Nice weather, eh?  Balloons and watering the greenery.  Milkshakes, someone said while wandering around in a lovely foreign city.  Whatever you think it’s worth.  I just took a tremendous crap.  I am left confused.  I am The Bitter One.  well, it’s as good a name as any.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  Elated when responsibilities were fulfilled which yielded in an excess of time.  raced!  I am The Bitter One.  I am the villain of the piece.  Remember how they were chatting and he said he considered calling himself Mr. Coffee back in the day then they cracked up.  Haha, that was great (if slightly derivative of Killing).  Pizza and twenty dollars.  I should have called myself Mr. Coffee but instead I am The Bitter One.  I am so confused.  Brightening up as things finish off.  which makes sense in a way.  Remember that novel?  Remember the joys of crossing streets at odd angles?  Of course the joys of the last hour of the day phenomenon that exists in every office and which can also be applied to all types of social situations including romantic ones.  makes sense in that sense.  Blunt, straight forward.  There are reports to be done.  I understand.  Much of my life has been spent writing reports.  All kinds of reports.  If only I could have been in Tangier and strung out while writing some of those reports.  Eye contact has me.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  Time and again.  He’ll stay clean tonight.  He’s disappeared several times before and he can do it again!  Probably go for a jog later.  He’s the kind of guy who can’t take a hint.  Always gets distorted.  Always gets turned into a mystery to unravel.  But there is no mystery, see?  It’s all blatantly obvious and he just doesn’t want to see it.  I’M EVIL I’M EVIL I’M EVIL!!!  I was looking at a woman recently who was wearing a couple different layers of hosiery.  I drank a beer recently.  I predict that tomorrow is going to be a boring day.  found a book of poems recently that’s been helping me out.  The words are printed on that flimsy newspaper style paper that discolors quickly and smells so good.  I was reading in the sun and smelling the pages and it smelled so good.  But I bet her feet in pantyhose after the end of a hard workday would smell even better.  Or her glorious derriere as it crushes my face and while she berates me.  can’t remember very many other words.  Oh, now I do.  relating future plans.  Last minute desperation to evoke.  It’s all winding down which is good.  Push through.  My mouth is very dry.