Sunday night

When I woke up this morning the inside of my mouth tasted like soap but my lips did not taste like anything.  Dial is my preferred brand of soap – both in bar and liquid form – and I can recall with great clarity years ago walking past the library on the Washington State University campus carrying a heavy camera for a broadcasting class and wearing an ugly maroon plaid shirt when I was stopped by two fellow students who themselves also had a camera.  They asked if I would be willing to answer a couple questions for a presentation they were making for a marketing class.  I was very conscious that my disgusting face was not meant for film yet I was unable to turn them down.  When they told me the presentation was on soap I laughed and the absurdity of the situation helped put me at ease.  They asked if I prefer liquid or bar soap in the shower and I said bar and added that I like having something firm to grab onto when I am showering.  They asked if I would have any problem using a soap with a “feminine” scent and I replied that I would have no problem at all as long as cleanliness was achieved. The truth is I have never liked the sporty or athletic soaps with their obvious and cheap masculinity.  But I did not tell them that.  To my knowledge I never saw those two again but I sometimes wonder how their presentation went.  I’m not sure why I woke up with the taste of soap in my mouth. 

There are many many days where I wake up in the morning and have a nearly overpowering desire to either go back to sleep or fall victim to some type of horrific accident that would end my existence.  This is a grim feeling that lasts for at least the first hour of the morning.  By the time I arrive at work I have enough distractions that this tearful despair is turned into an anguished acceptance and I go about my day in this manner.  I often find myself laughing at things that are not truly funny.  I smile a lot and I am charming and likeable in an odd sort of way, no one seems to have any problems with me at work.  Everyone I talk to seems nice and interesting but I rarely feel that I have anything interesting to contribute.  Sometimes I do feel happy at work and things are going quite well but this is not especially common.  However, I am always able to fake happiness and in the end that is the important thing.  I am able to do my job though I still have trouble with filing.  Better people than me help me with the filing and I know they rightfully despise my existence for having to waste time on my incompetence.

The emo-ness of that last paragraph reminds me of music that I never listened to while in high school but that many of my contemporaries were fond of.  I recently acquired a strong taste for the Blink 182 song I Miss You.  I learned the bass line earlier tonight and it is a smooth, silky line to play.  I had never listened much to Blink 182 before this month.  I remember so many years ago Michael walking into to zero hour class, a bright smile on his face and he said “got the new Blink CD”.  He was talking to Savannah and she asked how it was to which he replied “it’s hella different but it’s good”.  I never listened to that CD but I always loved the cover.  Michael was an amazing guitarist.  I once came in 5^th place in a poker tournament where he took 2^nd.  I was happy with 5^th but he was furious that he got 2^nd. 

 If I were Leo I would have happily moved to Paris with Kate, no questions, no second thoughts.  Kate had it right, Mike understood too but he was not able to articulate those sentiments without offending.  Everyone understands but very few people actually do anything.  About a month or so ago I watched the trailer for the upcoming movie Before Midnight, continuing the story began in Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.  These are some of my all-time favorite films (a pretentious word but I will use with barely contained glee) and I have been following this third chapter’s development with much enthusiasm.  There was a beautiful song played during the trailer and I meant to do some deep investigation and find out what it was but then this slipped my mind.  However flash forward to three weeks later and I was ordering some compact discs off ebay including With Blessings by Haris Alexiou, a Greek singer whose music I’d longed to try for many months.  It was a happy coincidence when I realized this is the artist whose song is featured in the trailer.  I listened to her music while driving to a friend’s house for breakfast this morning and it was beautiful.  I do not understand a word of what she says but it is beautiful and I am very grateful to have it. Breakfast was also tasty and I consumed eggs over easy, beans, chorizo and papas with homemade tortillas.  Saying goodbye is never an easy thing.  Before hugs we discussed golf and movies and drinking and relationships and I felt very content. 

As the work day progresses there comes a point where the grey bleak clouds begin to clear, if only a tad.  There is an escape on the horizon.  I have nothing against my co-workers or my supervisors or my clients.  They are all good, hard-working people.  My only anger is for myself, my only resentment for myself.  I often eat nothing but Chewy granola bars and Oh Boy Oberto pepperoni sticks throughout the day in addition to several glasses of water and roughly 11 sticks of gum.  The bars and sticks are all purchased at Costco which has good prices on books and blurays as well.  A friend and I were once metaphorically booted out of Costco after entering without a Costco card in an attempt to purchase and eat the delicious sausage dogs they sell.  I had planned to layer mine in kraut, relish, onions and mustard yet never got the chance and it is a loss I still feel to this day.  Once home I typically have a decent dinner. I do not know if this diet is healthy or unhealthy yet I never seem to lose or gain weight, remaining my standard fat self.  Lunch is often a depressing meal. 

The words this is not right keep repeating in my head over and over and when I feeling particularly stressed I like to put on a Shakira album as she makes me feel calm and happy.  Lately I’ve been listening a great deal to Fijacion Oral volumen 1 and songs like “No” and “Dia de Enero” have struck me with their beauty all over again.  It is bittersweet to know that the backup vocals in “No” are by Gustavo Cerati (whose own album Bocanada is one of my faves, amazing piece of work and goes very well with Low by David Bowie).  I cannot deny that Iron Man 3 was a big disappointment but it is still quite fun to go see a movie and I can still leave happy if the person I am going with enjoys the flick.  Leaving work I start to perk up a bit though I know that this cycle will just repeat.  Once home I am feeling okay except for the moments when I am not and there is typically a moment somewhere between 11:15 and 12:05 where I experience a feeling of deep euphoria and peace and feel like everything is going to turn out all right. 

Sleep is wonderful but goes by far too fast.  Sometimes I wake up and feel very frightened.  Sometimes I’m wide awake and am missing something intensely but I do not know who or what I am missing.  Then there are random moments of paralytic fear where I don’t think I will have time to say or do everything that needs to be said and done and I wonder how any of this is possible.  There is a terrible finality to things.  The majority of planet earth (always amongst my favorite planets) will not read this text.  I’ve never been able to find those Mexican candies again.  I will never understand why cake is handed out at parties when pie is obviously superior.  Most people even prefer pie yet we still eat cake.  I feel great sorrow for many things I have and have not done.