O (Part 5 of 10)

May I please walk with you?  Exhausted is the new purple.  I'm not quite sure what I mean by that but I think I have an idea.  I feel so much love for you, so much desire and faith and connection.  Every morning I seek you out in desperation and fear and every night once more that I may feel some tenderness and hear your voice.  Temptation gets the better of me every day.  Using clichés such as those does not provide me with any sort of pleasure.  

I asked you once if you were Catholic and you said yes.  You whispered a melody to me and now I cannot get it out of my head.  I've wondered what sins you confess when asking for forgiveness.  Were you bitter last time?  What a selfish and awful thought.  Even when I am deep in the throes of desire and surrendering to these obsessions I feel so close and my body contorts and I bite my tongue until I draw blood and I lay naked covered in sweat and my head starts to hurt.  Tears always well up in my eyes when I think of you.  

All these questions, you're the victim, I'm the whore.  

I have such fucking style.  They tried to send me to back of the train but I refused.  That was another version of me that said this.  A version bristling with confidence and barely contained sexuality.  This version is almost entirely illusory but it is a delightful fantasy that sometimes pops into my head in these crucial moments.  

Somewhere I can heal someone yelling the word "bastard" and saying how impure I am and that they are going to kill me.  

I often go with the first impulse but rarely is that correct.  There were times I thought to read her.  I have a sneaking suspicion these memories are not my home.  I feel sick and wonder what is happening to me.  I do not believe one night would be sufficient but what a fantastic romanticized thought.  And then such bracing feelings of negativity and pure fierce hatred.  I don't understand anything and I wish it stays this way.  Why did you ask if I was okay?  That was such a beautiful moment.  Twice it was so beautiful and I know it will never repeat itself again.  I destroyed too much because that was all I knew how to do.  

And still I wake up and plead for forgiveness.  I grab hold and refuse to let go.  It's like I've died before.  And I learned how to come back again.  Oh no, I'm lost again.  You think that I'm a friend; I wander empty hallways and scream out names.  I bang the walls and scream again and I bloody pretty faces.  Up in the air is a castle I imagined I could reach but this was never true.  There has never been a proper time to tell you.  Every word exhausts me.  Will you tell me it will be okay?  I think I would believe it if it came from you.  Blue and black, I am always lost in these, over and over again.  

I'm not trying to revive myself; I've spent it all before.  Stars grandstand and swear so much each night.  I fail to see the humor in things.  It's like you've already killed again.  You're the greatest thing.  

I don’t convince anymore when I am in groups.  My face betrays me.  

I run through the stations, screaming and fleeing back and forth and wondering what truth I have found in all these different worlds and what sweet brainwashing have I allowed.  You click your tongue and then I taste your skin and the light hurts my eyes.  There is so much energy surging straight for the center and the swelling sound of an orchestra.  Fucking abandon everything.  Why did you put that thought into my brain?  I know you didn't.  I put it there.  I have confused you with so many throughout history.  Are you somehow all of them at once?  Why do your eyes still strangle me?  

I look for signs and I hear voices inside.  You are slowly driving me insane and I am deathly afraid of what I keep seeing from the corner of my eye.  There is such loving humiliation in those hours.  You hold my hand right until the end.  These moments are all disparate.  Teach me to walk.  

I see this beauty and I fall to my knees and I reach and fail to grasp.  I live inside a lie.  I can't trust any words from my mouth.  I thrust myself against the rights of no one.  I am waltzing with a strange deformed figure.  What are these things to left and right of me?  I acknowledge all these faults and it changes nothing.    

You tell me nothing frightens you anymore.  Lover.  Everyone I see is you.

I can't fit all the words into the space you've given me.  Nothing makes any fucking sense.  I can't fucking think.  It's like my thoughts have burned inside your mind.  You've called me a slut.  I can't wait to try.  I can't stand outside in the snow anymore.  I've never been to this city inside

us.  

There are floods and people melting and exploding suns.  I am in ecstasy then screaming as my personality is melted away.  You have given me life.  You're making me dream.  I stick my hands inside.  Does it matter if it was written down or if it just appeared?  

I can't say you're good.  We make love to frightening things.  Your hope has turned to liquid and I drink it and I can feel the warmth in my chest.  There is no reason to pretend anymore.  Words have been dropped inside.  They're going to bring a knife to bed.  Everything is what I like.  

It’s like divinity inside my skull.  Trapped inside an atomic bomb with only a deck of cards, everything has adorned its loss.  I see your face across a field of grey.