Last night I was feeling a bit randy but decided to
temporarily quash my aberrant sexual desires and hitchhike on over the cinema
and view a motion picture. There were
literally thousands to choose from and I stood like a bronze statue in front of
the marquee for several hours rendering my decision.
Eventually I decided upon Ridley Scott’s new swords n’
sandals epic Exodus: Gods and Kings. I can still recall with such nostalgic joy
when the movie was simply titled Exodus
and all the subsequent fist clenching rage I experienced when the new title was
announced.
Buried deep within the Corinthian leather folds of my
wallet I happened upon a coupon for a large bucket of hot buttered popcorn and large
soft drink. I requested extra butter on
the popcorn and once the bucket was in my already greasy hands I poured on some
extra salt. I selected Pepsi cola for my
large drink and the resultant combination gave me a swift and powerful stomach
ache roughly halfway through the picture.
However I kept shoveling the corn into my gaping maw as it was impossible
to resist. I like going to the movies,
few things bring me as much satisfaction in life. Though I once knew a woman named Camilla who
was a fry cook by day and fetishist by night with whom I had 2 standing dates scheduled
during each business week with the entire arrangement lasting roughly two and
one-half years. I would request for her
to wear unwashed nylons while she slaved away in the kitchen with her feet
crammed into leather pumps and then I would politely ask her to relax for an
hour at my place following her departure from and use my face for her footrest. She would start by removing the pumps and
placing the opening of one on my nose and laughing right at me. Then she would knock it off and lay both of
her nyloned feet on my face. She would
tell me what a loser I am and then order me to kiss them. She would also apply a unique choke-hold with
her soles and tell me that I am pathetic and completely beneath her.
I’m not sure if it was the queasy feeling in my gut or
the searing self hatred pumping through my veins but I greatly enjoyed the
film! I believe those looking for a
deeply religious experience or something to nourish their faith and spirit will
not find what they are looking for with this movie but I would posit that
almost no biblical films (in the sense of a movie which presents a story directly
from the bible) accomplish this. Rather,
I think this worked very well as a costume drama with some good Scott spectacle
and action. I also loved the final scene
though it is almost at odds with everything else in its tonality. There were plenty of flaws but nothing too
egregious. Perhaps the worst: Scott’s
decision to Nolanize the movie by offering more “realistic” versions of the
various plagues and miracles actually does the flick disservice by robbing it
of a sense of wonder and awe. This is especially true in what should been the
obvious epic bombast scene with the parting of the Red Sea which is sadly
stilted. If comparisons must be made I don’t
think this will be taking the place of The
Ten Commandments anytime soon but it gets a hearty thumbs up from yours
truly and that’s probably all that matters!
Discussion of this film is a perfect segue to some other
movie related news. Upon returning home
from the multiplex I lay down on my bourgeois sofa and began pondering the
great many fallacies of my tortured existence.
From the corner of mine eye were the flashing red and green lights of
the Christmas tree and all around was the tinsel and the silver garland and I
had such a strong desire to consume the entire bottle of sleeping pills in the
medicine cabinet and wash it down with a tall glass of white wine. I would like my last meal to be a fresh
steaming hot pizza but last night it would have been a bowl of Cap N’ Crunch
(with soy milk because cows are for calves).
I began to search madly through the internet. Outside my home, off in the distance, a dog
barked. By happenstance I stumbled upon
the newly released trailer for Terrence Malick’s latest film Knight of Cups starring none other than
Christian Bale himself along with other folk like Cate Blanchet, Natalie
Portman, Antonio Banderas and Wes Bentley.
It’s no secret that I am big obese Malick fan and that pretty much his
entire filmography ranks in my faves. The Thin Red Line is to date the only
war movie I would say I love. I
typically hate war movies! They are rife
with bad storytelling and stock characters.
I’ll say right here that Saving
Private Ryan is highly overrated. Apocalypse Now is okay I suppose. The
Deer Hunter is fine. There are a few
others. I feel bad now saying that …Ryan is overrated, I know a tremendous
amount of work and dedication went into that film and I know many people who
love it, many who worship it like a pagan god. Anyway, I love this new trailer and I am
pumped and psyched to see the movie!
Other Malick movies I love include Badlands, Days of Heaven, The New World, Tree of Life and To the Wonder. Knight
of Cups appears awfully similar in some ways to his last two movies and
that is fine by me because they make me moan in ecstasy. Those who are fanatics about my blog will
recall my beloved friend Calvin Black. Years
ago his parents viewed the film The New
World and savagely despised it. To
my knowledge Black himself never viewed it and it really was not something that
came up much in conversation. I respect
the Black family’s opinion wholeheartedly and one of the most joyous things of
cinema – indeed, of any art form – is the difference of opinion and spirited
debate! I will say The New World was badly mismarketed and portrayed a very different type
of movie. Sometimes I fall asleep with a
copy of The New World clasped tightly
to my bosom. I recall watching an
episode of 60 Minutes which had a segment on Nigella Lawson. When asked why she thought men liked her
(more specifically, some of the men who watch her programs but have no interest
in cooking) the first thing she said was “my bosom”. I love Nigella but I’m not entirely sure if
my love is linked so directly to her bosom.
Maybe my memory is deceiving me and she didn’t say that at all and if so
then I wish to offer a sincere apology.
I’ve been a fan of hers for years and I suspect I will be until the long
overdue day of my death!
Also, if any of you dear readers have partook in a
session with Lady Milady please respond in the comments below and let me know the
particulars and your overall level of satisfaction. I’ve developed quite an unhealthy fixation
and before I empty my Swiss bank accounts and travel around the world I want to
know if she is the right girl. Thought I
desperately hope this is the case.
No comments:
Post a Comment