Sorry (1)

I want to say I’m sorry. 

To you when the John Leguizamo movie Cronicas was on and we laid together and watched and you said you felt such a connection and I confessed to not feeling this and you cried and left. 

To my father for not making an effort during the holiday.  He would never say so but I am sure it bothered him on some level.

Back when I was part of a part of a quasi political ethnic based college group I was somehow in charge of the quarterly newsletter.  That first time I was so spirited and put in a great effort and the end result was a rich and passion-filled periodical.  However my enthusiasm eventually waned and my cynicism won over and eventually what was printed was nothing worth celebrating.  This was my fault. And to young Omar who was so integral to that group.  I inwardly mocked your passion and militant stance.  Was I perhaps afraid because you had so clearly found your purpose and I was still desperate for one?  Either way, I was ignorant. 

That time after everything was over and we went to a dance hall and I let petty annoyances override any sense of decency and you felt – maybe for the first dreadful time – so much anger and spite inside of me.  My apologies were real but understandably sounded so hollow.  And I am sorrow that afterward I was never able to find you again. And sorry that I did not look harder. 

I am a child so full of hate and I want to hurt because it is all I can do and I rejected that small box brought home from the store.  I hoped it hurt.  But I am sorry.  

I’m sorry for those recommendations.  Sometimes I think it was right and other times I’m not sure.  I assumed something and based on my then lack of experience it may have been the wrong choice.  I honestly don’t know.  But it frequently crosses my mind. 

I’m sorry for constantly disobeying and disappointing.  Is my passion and love only real on Monday mornings?  Ah, but then it is nothing more than an ugly self-serving thing.  And what of my desire to see you?  And the way I imagine you look as I am held in the palm of your hand.  I think I need to apologize for that as well.