mill15

And of course it makes sense to start things off with a bit of mystical theology.  I must locate very specific texts.  Education has me.  and what a rather frightening notion.  But we so love to believe we are free from sin.  It is consistently amusing.  I need to buy some rope and hand tools.  I was very happy to learn that one of my all time favorite movies if finally receiving a lovely blu ray release.  I always love when the rain sets in.  you know, I ignored Bria’s disc for so long because I was so jazzed for the other two discs.  It’s been a decade of ignoring this.  I can’t believe it’s actually been a decade!  I hope I was thinking about it on the day of.  But you know, I’m listening to bria’s disc right now and I do quite like it.  Much like I really like all the protégé albums!  And some I even love!  Man, the playing on this disc is so smooth and the production so sumptuous!  But really, the  production on all three was very strong.  What a dope I’ve been.  Speaking of albums, I’m curious about Patitucci’s new release.  I had the movie dark blue on earlier.  It goes well the other movie I mentioned the other day. Ah now the much welcome return of the maternal spirit for whom I have been clamoring.  And indeed the rich obsession is taking hold.  I was surprised by something mentioned.  What, was it again?  Think!  Goddam you, think!  Forcibly bangs my head against filing cabinets.  Something about mutilation I think, something about a specific mutilation.  But there was also terrified swimming and again one must wonder about the psychic connection.  If it indeed exists.  Staring up the stairs.  Father figure.  It all comes down to. … loose theme maybe, so sidewalk walking is very appropriate and a nice little denouement.  I think sunnier fruitier things are going to be invading my ears in the coming months.  But I will of course reserve time for the apocalypse.  I see myself dirty and homeless somewhere.  Of course I immediately made a connection to well loved text.  There was a wolf.  No, I’m wrong, it was a fox.  And the mention of the plague.  Which of course brings forth the cruising factor again and then we’re back at the opening salvo where I mentioned the grateful edition and the deeper understanding I discussed yesterday ( I shake).   Slouching towards Bethlehem.  We all.  Vibes of weather report are from the lotus.  A lot of rich musicianship booming.  It has been too long.  I’m always a neglectful individual.  I’m going to purchase some texts and images with which to delve deeper.  The same thing that did it for him last time did it for him again today.  Three pairs.  You know I like the new song by knarias.  I found a book I was looking for.  Deep self analysis must take place to analyze my every choice, my every like and my every dislike.  It can be truly said that I am a terrible and largely useless person.  I am often amused by people who do not believe they are terrible but really are.  Angel from Canada in yellow and then green.  Oh this never ends but I do believe many have thankfully been spared.  There’s too much peanut butter logic going on around me.  super lush I must say.  I am glad to have that digital form of auditory clarification on these subjects, I can see the difference on the triple aim; hit the target.  Though again, as I alluded to just the other day I do believe the jellyfish variation will continue to remain my preferred of the set.  Arbitrary family is not my preference getting back to the central thesis.  But we shall see about the possibility of reoccurrence.  Saw diana on an early morning program and realized I needed more sunshine so now I wait for a nighttime revelation.  Maybe it will carry over.  And now just a little bit of summary revisal I see I was dense, likely from alcoholic consumption that my former confusion is no easily alleviated.  I have underestimated psychic connections between parents and offspring and therefore inadvertently minimized certain important revelations (perhaps not a bad word considering the path to perfection).  And indeed, this is very massive is one is now inheriting those visions and perhaps confirmation on a prior suspicion slash confusion.  Ah, this shall be one of great importance during the eventual foreign second coming (connected back to the widening in the initial entry, don’t confuse line number one, mispronounced name to someone who purports fondness).  Yes, I am even more intrigued.  Acceptance can come despite the ever shifting thesis.  Or was this element always present?  Can’t help but feel on the cusp on something.  Boiling.  Best not to make so many parallels.  I do believe this would fit in perfectly down that mysterious road.  Is there a place where they all meet?  That is the motel, or is it a hotel?  Yes, I see now, it is a hotel in one space and a motel in the other.  Exploding you.  These all go down the same path and I am wondering what happened to me during those years.  For a terrifying moment I thought a specific wildness had been completely removed from this world.  Renewal.  I’m not really here.  I still remember holding the world in the palm of his hand.  And now this links back to one trade for coin.  Yes, even the name.  all linked up and now need the very same in melted candle wax.  And of course all the stars but particularly the living sun, the very same and why can’t the silver be more like the silver?  I think that could just be the key.  Silver to silver.  Giant key.  Embrace.  On the cusp of a premiere now.  Communication frightens me.  how to end?  Another winner.  Traveling back for comfort.  Internalizing.  Pot luck.  Spring dress.  Torture. 

mill14

Of course the majority of my day was spent playing Sonic R for the Sega Saturn.  Sonic R is still the best video game I’ve ever played in my entire worthless life and the only game I dare to play in this day and age of political unrest.  It also – easily – has the best soundtrack to any video game in history.  I strong memories of purchasing this game at a Target store during the cold December of 1997 and in that moment my life was changed forever. In line later one and I had to break a twenty and I didn’t understand quite what was going on,  lovely mystery to me.  do I have it in me for the summer scorcher.  I see now and am very excited that I will be watching a work of adoration subject to two thousand once I complete two thousand as I am slowly becoming far more deeply appreciate of the mythology.  I walked away very impressed just as I was sinking further into the depths of alcoholism.  Indeed, interrogatories are something entirely different but the palm scar is the key for this particular abstraction and maybe this was indeed the finest singular snapshot so far.  I see a morphing here, a transformation taking place yet this was certainly in keeping with the grim spirit of the first iteration.  Again, I feel the obsession growing and it is a great thing.  Just as the little star was returned to me.  so briefly.  But I will take anything.  I am nothing.  I’ve never really liked American horror story but you know I might watch the upcoming season 9.  Or will i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I ate a steak a while ago but it was overcooked.  I like my red meat to bleed.  Half playing cards and scary eyes with navy blue around them.  I think perhaps fun house is going to be scorching me.  can his fingers brings the fire during the coming boiling months?  Can you do what you want?  Of course through all this I cannot neglect the importance of drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.  And big chunky handfuls of slime, goop, gunk and stretching it out.  I have to figure out the correct substances.  But all that tactility is only a….i don’t know.  Its not the main thing but in a sense it is the main thing.  Makes a lot of sense.  All of it is the main thing but only one main thing can be the actual main thing.  Or something.  It is a certainty that the next box will be replete with a black neck and skittishness and filthiness and I will need to discover the apocryphal information and mayhaps this will be the crucial ingredient to the something main thing I was just mentioning but again we I mean I need that apocalyptic fun house and the new kingdom.  Ah the smell of fish.  Handling the aquatic throughout all the days and of course there was the precious and intoxicating division of pink while we stood recounting past shames and it was wonderful.  It seems I don’t have much analysis but, correctly put, this simply booked; true excellence.  Secrets are traveling again.  I see we must all return to the place of original inspiration.  I do believe a new powerful potion may have been added into the mix.  But which fits in beautifully.  The end of all things.  the necessary destruction of humanity and looking on in a gregarious voyeuristic fashion.  Ah, now I fully understand the resonance of research.  The extremes of sex have been brought into sharper focus and I see cruising as a delightful command more than anything else.  Hotter than the sun. there is nothing behind the sun.  the raw fragile precious beauty must only exist in the smallest of doses.  He must live inside the hate for this to be effective.   And now I see the upcoming epic importance of traveling watermelon men and the ivories.  There is so much taking place I’m not sure how it can all happen.  Or something.  I watched a Latina pantyhose try on haul video earlier today.  I was only able to make to the second pair of hosiery.  Once again, my doom is sealed.  My doom is constantly being sealed. 

Lisey’s Story is one of my favorite Stephen King novels so imagine my excitement upon learning it would be adapted to an 8 episode miniseries starring Julianne Moore.  I was happy I immediately ate an entire 13 oz. jar of Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Creme.  Then I thought long and hard about how great it would be to blow my brains out though I lamented that I would likely not be able to see haunting after imagery of blood, bone and brain matter splattered across the wall of my posh flat.  I like the word piebald but I rarely use it conversation. I watched a movie the other night and really liked it.  It had the woman from Batman Forever.  It was also directed by someone who made a movie I really loved a couple years and I think I had just as strong feelings for this new work as I did slash do for that previous one and so I now will follow this director forever!  But yes, this current discussion involving seven times two…possibly the very best so far?  Hmmm, don’t want to commit to that.  As ever, I continue to miss the maternal spirit and a bit of nihilistic pontificating but this was a real corker for sure!  And very stylish but not in a derivative way. Were I better man I’d be going for the very first in line.  Perhaps I would say I understand at the very end.  Intriguing what actions we might take in order to prevent earthquakes.  And now I see the raw anticipation returning when it comes to returning.  I have no invasion of doubts which is a play on something no one will understand.  I simply loved, wish to say more but unable due to inadequacy.  Of course, I listened a great deal Michael Chiklis’s album Influence again today.  Still the biggest influence on me as a person.  don’t know the color of 
eyes.  Spilled bottle but said my name.  running out of.  For the best?  Keep muses in heart.  Ball. 

mill13(yeah, so much, the new year and new...wait a minute...what did you...and that was the lovely end...)

Ah, so now I may have to see if it can work without the non solid inspiration.  Of course, when I say it I actually mean something far more personal.  And now I also reach the unlucky iteration and yet this is not really applicable for on display was something inwardly unique.  Though it was also familiar when taking into account cousin (maybe spiritual cousin) factor.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  Only time will tell.  Time, patience, the right berries.  Unfortunately, my brain failed to record the initial message.  Though this is hardly an overall indictment for it was a full ¾ of compelling square glass.  I must clarify that this fraction is also not an indictment for in this particular circumstance ¾ is actually the maximum so there was nary an instance of faltering.  so I have to briefly pause in the midst of this happy analysis to mention the second half of the thing I mentioned the other day with the red suit (maybe?), something which was anticipated and beloved in ways and gifted.  Of course, now I am specifically mentioning what is canonically thought of as the second of thirds within this particular work though recently second has been first and perhaps in a sense second has always been first (must have been seventies jellyfish mingling, no, not mingling, co-creators when it comes to boxes of chocolates and chocolate cake, of course which goes very well with a tall frosty glass of milk and suddenly I’m back at wanting to be a milkman again and of course those ancient decade plus from the just mentioned texts were continued today and jovially so with laughter – funnier than expected – and of course I also took great pleasure in watching her eat spaghetti, present for the birth of a new…) and though in previous days it was literally the first third of this second of thirds which was repeating in good welcome spirits it is now further along which is recapturing those years ago moments.  Here.  Yes, of course I would always identify – likely mistakenly – as a great touch of the Caribbean and then the numbers and progressions were explained by that accented smart individual though I could hardly be expected to understand as I am quite stupid but I can feel the explanation.  Then of course immediately following I’d never quite noticed how angular and colorful and at some point this links up with a silver hummingbird and I believe I slept for far too long.  It can be said I appreciate those very same things so I do believe this will be consistent for a while.  Enjoying the dark color so far of something i never quite understood.  Also, wanted to mention the apt numerical repetition.  everything i live for, right up there.  help me , i am so awful.  Who can say if coincidence.  But one less than something truly rancid from the individual who put massive human shaped skyscrapers into play (dogcatcher).  Yes, this quantity is the amount contained in one single but also the total amount of singles across one great rodent (kind, mostly) infested grand entity which I allowed to falter for too long.  We shall see it all plays out in the end.  Or maybe only I will.  Does it matter what I see?  Oh how I detest the sound of my own voices.  But turning back the central thing here.  this was one of the very best though leaves me feeling unsure of things.  again, is it too much of one thing.  It was a very welcome addition of familiarity of visage.  he never understood the inner working of the lonely castle though he did think he saw a blue iron lung at some point though it may have  been something else.  In an urban environment with the windows open and a lovely draft coming through we group of insignificant nothings talked about the coming end of the world and not everyone was in belief but this hardly matters and at the end the lovely maternal spirit was returned and this was grand but there was also a sense of uncertainty hanging over everything and this was also grand in its own way and perhaps footing being found.  Duplicates are always a tricky prospect but in this would be unluckiest iteration everything went through with a certain aplomb and of course how could he not be reminded of the personal premiere favorite of a dear friend as we sat down completely engulfed in flames.  Question mark.    And just as an aside there is the triplicate incision allusion taking place again albeit in audio form and I am thinking of the noose to be specific but also recalling the feeling of running at night as a means of expressing slash releasing the elevator feelings wherein a beautiful witness was previously kissed on the hand and the one at his side was lovely again past and present and existed in a full sensory realm of rich temptation (sweetest sin, mistaken lie down in sweetest sin).  Dogs are laughing.  Stolen there but very appropriate and I have certainly already touched upon this warmth.  Drifting is an appropriate now in this precise moment in time and who knows if slash when I may return to it.  I must confess I often enjoy drinking steak sauce straight from the bottle.  I love steak sauce. Gallons and gallons of steak sauce.  Strikes again!  Clear references, I ‘ve always thoroughly enjoyed this comedy to the previous tragedy (or something, hell, do I even know what I’m talking about?!).  but yeah, a piece of wood with a hole in it, drifting, typewriter near the denouement.  We certainly must stand back and appreciate this appreciable distance.  I’m sure I can consume the majority of the pie of blame.  I deserve it.  What a pastry.  Cooked with ample creamy martyrdom.  But let’s not bury the lead any further.  This was thoroughly enjoyable and if indeed it is a blueprint then I remain even more eager to continue along the end of the world trajectory.  Grey eyes, I’m on the verge of tears, I need to remember grey eyes (and now blue, grey, green, always forget the order, the first was applicable to me and how conflicted and awful I feel all the time and now this most recent thing is all about the one who appears so often at the ball and I don’t know who I am anymore but oh that kiss is so sweet and I’m crying again and thank you so much for that blissful moment of concern even though I wasn’t even in my right mind enough to fully embrace it).  Little death.  Tell the truth. 

mill12

I am commencing the writing of this assessment of this number twelve before the completion of the prediction I made yesterday (the j day) though I suspect it is very likely I will finish following this completion.  I quite approve of this.  The ball gag is always an effective touch and I must say again this whole thing appears to be somewhat out of time.  we were not quite there yet, were we?  Then of course at the checkout stand was a lovely woman with a simply tremendous ass tightly crammed into grey yoga pants which were dangerously on the verge of bursting.  How I wished for her to viciously punish my face with that mountainous quaking ass after a good healthy workout all the while berating me in her native tongue.  Alas, are acquaintanceship was not in the cards and so I paid for my nightly wine and was well on my way.  There was plenty of time today to reflect on life choices and lament that I’d never become a milkman.  Is there any profession more direct and noble in the entire world?  I somehow doubt it.  I would keep my uniform so clean and neatly pressed.  I imagine myself making deliveries of rich whole milk, cheese, cream cheese, luscious cream and other assorted dairy products while wearing a true shit eating grin and occasionally bursting into fits of gleeful uncontrollable laughter over how blessed my life had become.  And for our cancelations I would be able to take him the delicious spoils of delivery war to enjoy in sweet privacy.  I picture myself biting into a great hunk of American cheese with great relish.  No, there is so much more to this.  But dairy is so absolute.  That’s not quite it though, is it?  Where are the sumptuous cold cakes that have been on ice for weeks and weeks and you will stuff your fat face with those as well, will you not?  Ah yes, and there would be liberal dollops of homemade cream.  It must always be homemade.  Fuck, and a fucking cookie crust to boot.  I did not initially realize I was looking at the explosive star (not to be confused with the little star who is the most...but also the most…and who is one of the purest owners of my foul tainted heart) but upon this lovely realization I knew the leather would be growing more bereft.  I think I mentioned how this was closest to the kickoff, the starting bell but if I didn’t then I do now.  And seeing the comical agent in a much different life, I’ll leave it there, but all part of the same organization.  And of course, wondering just what the blue fuck is happening to us and everyone around us.  Was there a mixture of texture in terms of grain?  I’m not entirely sure but the overall display was pleasing and effective and again a reminder.  And was there a touch of the beauty maternal here and there?  at some point but my memory fails me but it was certainly most welcome.  We begin in a club and everything spins out from there as it should just as a bender (a specific type of rhyming bender) from something of a cousin or sibling and though it was underkey was also inspirational.  And maybe something hit a bit too close to home for comfort in that nothing ever worked again after the initial try.  Of course, if I did devote my life to dairy I’ve no doubt the FBI and CIA would begin crawling around the sludge filled pipes of my shitty posh flat, bugging me (literally and figuratively) and all my closest acquaintances.  And such is the nature of wisdom.  Skeletons and monkeys in equal measure through the editions and I began to use a blue ball point pen to mark the passages of time and eye comprehension (this was of course during the warm welcome of a double tequila on the rocks or something).  And all the while he was wondering over the whereabouts of the rhapsody in blue but dared not traverse those dangerous lands.  Not yet.  Apropos of nothing I must admit I completely lose it when she puts on the glasses, just completely lose it if you understand.  Every damn time.  it is during those moments where he most imagines himself being strangled and berated and taunted and teased and perhaps during such a sensuous act there is the rattling off of facts and figures and all manner of current events; political, social, entertainment, whatever.  This of course is linked up with the most recent, discovery.  Of course, going on for the selective benefit is a lesson in the mastery of sign language.  are we all sitting in a room constructed out of powder and then there was well placed moving glass but if only the blue had not been so liberally applied and yet there is the sheen above the blue (red on top, I may not remember any of this).  Of course had a certain way been had – on a completely unrelated note – we all have been dealing with the possibility of an entire sadistic realm made out of creamed corn (pain and suffering I realized while automobile vomiting took place and an attempt to travel through a cigarette lighter) and now I realize maybe it is not so unrelated after all.  And now I see there was a double robbery and yet the full (yet limited through completion) experience is still available to me.  beggars. The means to extract aquatic existence existed beneath fashionable denim and I had not even considered the possibility.  And in the end how I longed for her to shrink me down with supernatural powers and then place me between the sole of her RHT pantyhose clad foot (after a long hard day of new reporting) and the bottom of her black leather high heel shoe, all the while berating me and then placing me in the rich creamy alfredo pasta she prepared for dinner and then eating me in one big bite – playfully laughing a bit before and after the bite – and smashing me to the roof of her mouth with her strong slick tongue whilst I struggle in the chewy creamy alfredo mix and then crushing me between her teeth. Thanks for not doggin’ my dairy, homie.  I once knew a man (sign language). 

mill11[and gweat, tewible (not sure of spelling, liked the change) and lovely foster love]

Admissions now that I am a royal asshole and always have been and always will be I confused a new addition with an integral part of an attack involving the initial contact and the cube and the whale.  And it all makes sense now though I certainly see the error of my ways and the distinct memorable nature of radically both and of course this is a welcome addition.  This one did not quite work and I especially missed a more caring maternal touch.  All the same, I must confess to loving the denouement and found it in in keeping with the overall thematic aesthetic (doesn’t make sense) but also with my own personal ideology.  Of course I can see the influence of one who began in the field of music videography before tackling the concept of extraterrestrial life inside an industrial prison setting but do things really work on such a small scale?  Perhaps not.  But the analysis of the safety we seek in these cloistered and tidy environments and the illusory nature of such is quite compelling.  Dare I say this was already handled quite adeptly with and FRANKly a decade prior (where’s my bourbon?).  yes, but it is a topic we are none too comfortable with and one well worth further exploration.  I take my status as a social media influencer very seriously.  Of course the most important that happened to me today was the realization of a friendship milestone with someone whom I’ve never met nor even seen their face.  Yet it is someone for home whom I harbor especially strong feelings.  I have witnessed the brutal fluidity on multiple occasions and been oh so overjoyed.  Of course my total and complete ignorance of Jeremiah likely contributed to…something.  Not sure what I mean.  Only that I need to remedy this ignorance.  In general I am a very ignorant person.  but he was the most clear as a person, eh?  Intriguing.  And now I see what I thought was initial was actually second.  This would likely go near the end.  Innocent blood upon ourselves and this city.  As stated earlier somewhere else I do continue to enjoy an overall highly nihilistic bent.  Still can’t stop thinking about.  But ultimately I don’t have too much more to add on this most recent.  Actually not recent at all but recent to me.  only that I was eager to return.  Slipping into a warm bath of hatred, for myself and the world in general.  Terrified  of those individuals living in the walls of my apartment.  They are from some other dimension.  He drank a lot last night and it seemed to take care of everything.  But oh, is there money left over for more booze.  Only time will tell.  Time, patience, the right berries.  A recurrent theme for this and the next of the applicable sequence is a strong missing of that lovely maternal element.  Where have you been? Was this the day of meeting Ana?  If so, then it was certainly a day worth living.  Or was it?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  You know, I think I may just prefer the second to front van gogh’s ear.  I’m not sure if that’s controversial or not.  Doubling down later on today though of course that already happened.  The last is first.  i don’t envy anyone this task of truncation.  Surely it is one of my most preferred.  Oddly, I think it was the very first, very tacky, dirty plastic and not long before I longed for glass again, in the same room as awful hatred.  Later on only the juiciness as I knew nothing and not until much much later on and so recent (comparatively speaking) that proper attention and respect was given and now I see tis one of the most vital.  Oh so effective yellowed.  Old junk.  Now new sheen.  I would give most of my props to maternity but an earlier comment on cliff’s notes was apt. still, overall there was so much he quite approved of.  Christopher Young’s music was quite good.  Though I must say my favorite from the previous calendar year surpassed that which had not yet been kneaded despite the source dough have been mixed decades prior.  Still, as its own beast this is a buttery one whose manginess is just mangy enough to linger.  I felt a bit bad later and so could not entertain van gogh’s lovely ear.  I listened to the ramones. Who did the new?   I feel sure of this one as there is overall not much to unpack.  Opportunities missed in some respects but admirable truncation, grime and pointy meanness overall.  Plastics will be making their way home in the future.  Ah of course but the first is so much more difficult to determine.  I was consume big red cheese when I fell madly in love for foster mom.  Tears of longing.  Double long.  Everything double.  Because there was the one with the name which may or may not be an unhealthy obsession (I’m no theologian, clue) and I never even knew because I wisely avoided any type of preeminence and  I was not privy to colorful transformations but love blossomed into further love and of course final impression may be worth far more so I’m not really sure.  All my vile proclamations fell on deaf ears and this was richly appropriate and of course we all screamed the wrong name.  a big talking worm got my attention later on while I hastily scrawled on the wall with a piece of cardboard.  So mixed that I know it has to reoccur so I can actually know what I’m talking about.  But yes please of those aforementioned two please allow me to be wrapped in warmth and love.  What a display of weakness.  I am something awful and weak.  Hours spent forgetting myself.  How lovely to see the small joy right next to me.  jumping up and down.  this was made for this. 

threem3c2 (but only in part, lot of just...i don't know...and thinking about italian not italian partner) and who else - madness

I find myself in the glorious noose again.  What a lovely warm storm.  And remember that we are infinity (endless longings).  He knew very well there in the end the dangers of what was taking place but did not much care.  There was a desire for desire.  An image of laying on the grass in a beautiful day.  and endless field somewhere.  And naked and going backwards.  So unusual.  But the grass again and perfect and the water as the braille.  I can smell the flowers.  He’s lost the ability to be transparent but it was almost back again for just a moment, somewhere in that imaginary field.  Running to sea.  Safety, protection.  In your….  The perfect dangers of drives and of cafés and questions. 

And now don’t you see the extreme dangers inherent in this digital communication?  You truly are a greedy fool.  But friendship is a wonderful thing, is it not?  You know, I really love the song Chelsea Rodgers.  I paid for the album which contains that song entirely with pocket change.  And such is the nature of wisdom! 

I’m thinking about rain again.  I know he’s just being foolish.  He’s not thinking clearly about the big number, the one that’s more than three and less than five.  He’s also not thinking about promises made and the already great and messy reality.  We are infinity.  Endless.  And now he understands the longings.  Of course it was so much easier these current days.  Mayhaps it seemed easier on both sides of things due to how close cropped. That was incomplete, yes?  But the business was tended to and nothing more.  Understanding the necessity to laugh at laugh.  The bad luck powers and the control of the spider.  Surprisingly not a reference.  I feel very dizzy right now but I haven’t had a single thing to drink.  Bad?  Of course, laying back down on the grass.  Could there be anything more noble than crafting an ode to nihilism? 

I thought Liptai Claudia and her hosiery were lost to me forever.  I was this close to blowing my brains out with a standard police issue glock nine millimeter handgun.  But they were returned to me.  my life now has just that crucial tiny sliver of meaning.  Perhaps it would have been better for everyone had they not been returned if it meant I finally had the guts to do what I should have done a long time ago.  I think I’m going to the movie theatre tomorrow. 

Lana Del Rey’s music makes me cry and I am so thankful I have her music in my life.  She is the Queen of Saigon.  Mythologizing is so important and so many of today’s artists miss the point entirely.  You know, that album Liza Minelli did with the Pet Shop Boys – Results – really is quite good.  Sometimes I practice choreography to the song Losing My Mind.  It’s an applicable song for my life.  Or is it? The more I learn the less I want to know.  No, it also applies to the central thesis ( but not of discontent) to this whole terrible narrative.  Terrible in the quality of writing but in the overarching concepts and experience which are undergoing abstraction here.  I’m drinking heavily now and my life is all the better for it.  I like to start off with whiskey and then let wine ease me into a comfortable resting place.  Or am I losing my mind?  I recently connected with a poem from my youth.  I constantly need that obsession.  Do you understand?  He was so right, about killing our muses.  Rebirth is a constant.  And a necessity.  Now now don’t get too pretentious you hopeless fuck.  Vampire books.  It’s the only way I can know her mind.  I will always wonder about the identity behind the horn.  Of course who is the one who has appeared most often at the costume ball?  There is no limits to anything anymore. 

I forgot to mention in my last post that I dig the suit and makeup, no problems there at all.  Also, one shot gives me an Eyes Wide Shut vibe.  I love that movie.  Maybe I’ll go watch it now while eating a big bowl of mac n’ cheese!  Ah damn.  and I stupidly forgot that the talk show thing could also be a dark knight returns reference as well as a king of comedy reference.  Boy am I stupid or what?  Ah shit!  I also forgot to mention that I hope it’s a real hard R flick!  Those are the hot rumors circulating on the dirt sheets!  If so I would def give mad props and credit to Deadpool and Logan for paving the way.  The dingy suggestive streets on display certainly suggest the possibility so please make it so! 

Ah and here now of course is the…main thing.  That doesn’t make sense and isn’t quite what I want to say. It all began with a potluck.  So much came afterward and so much wasn’t even fully formed at the time.  but there during a summer (or was it fall) dusk it all began and it never really ended and it hurts so much but there is something sweet and beautiful right there in the center of that pain.  And he realizes and entire lifetime will pass by and those feelings will be nothing and there is something indescribably sad about that.  Please don’t let it be true.  Maybe it still can mean something.  He thrives on those meager scraps.  A couple words.  A sign of approval.  But this is everything.  And that earlier confession meant nothing.  And there wasn’t even hours in night air to somehow cushion things and put it all into perspective.  He should have gone in for the dance.  And now leading back to the current iteration and everything is only illusory and once it is all stripped away there is only his sad worthless self and this will never ever ever ever fucking change. 

j thots

My thoughts on this first Joker trailer (or is it a teaser?) are numerous and yet sparse.  For some reason I’m reminded of an album I purchased at the end of March in 2009.  An hour or so ago I knew exactly why I was reminded of this album but now I have absolutely no idea but I have been listening to this album lately and it does indeed have a very special place in my heart.  I remember I purchased it at a Target store and then proceeded to listen to it over a roughly 2.5 hour drive and then for several warm days afterward.  Later on I would buy another copy of this album as a gift for someone. Or would I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  The key clue may be the commercial with the red suit and that may indeed be the link between these two disparate things here.  Who really knows?  Of course, it’s all linked from way back to a pulpier iteration while I was strapped to an electric and eating an incredibly rich piece of chocolate cake (I can’t handle milk anymore, that’s for damn sure).  I had many thoughts swirling around my brain (love, vengeance, motor oil, more tenuous connections, it’s all related.  Or is it?  The more I learn the less I want to know).  I’ve since lost interest in most of them because I’m not a very interesting person but I’ll still vomit em out onto the page here so my legions of loyal readers can read and feel good and whatever.  I am a big fan of this trailer and will poo poo any of the naysayers in a respectful way.  Still, I will also remain cautious as this director has never crafted anything quite like this before.  Still, we must all remember that Jonathan Demme had never crafted anything quite like Silence of the Lambs before he did so.  Cinematic history is filled with comparable examples.  Also making me cautious is that trailers are ridiculously good at deception.  Going on what I’m seeing though Joaquin Phoenix continues in a trend of…ugh, can’t think, it looks like he’s doing some great acting here is what I want to say.  Still, can be best Jared Leto from Suicide Squad which to me is still the definitive cinematic portrayal of the clown prince of crime?  Only time will tell.  Time, patience, the right berries.  You know, this trailer really reminds me a lot of the trailers for the movies Lords of Salem and Birdman.  I ended up loving both of those movies so maybe that’s a good sign.  Or maybe it doesn’t mean anything.  Words on the streets is they are shooting this feature film with the ARRI ALEXA 65.  I was initially skeptical of the cinematography because I was aware of some of the film’s influences and so was expecting slash hoping for a grittier 70’s FILM aesthetic.  Yet after a couple watches I now think this cinematography is quite beautiful, garish and gritty in it’s own way and forward thing in a similar way to the photography in Michael Mann’s Public Enemies (again, everything is connected here).  Speaking of influences everyone and their dog has been mentioning Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver and that certainly seems apt but it seems even MORE apt to mention that same director’s own excellent The King of Comedy, especially given the role Robert DeNiro plays in Joker.  Also, I see a sly nod to The Exorcist here with the stairs.  I wonder just what significance these stairs will have in the grand scheme of things.  lots of little eggs and nods there.  I like the appearance of Arkham and some zaniness taking place at Wayne Hall (with Chaplin) and of course the appearance of Thomas Wayne on the tele and then young Bruce Wayne being forced to prominently smile.  This is the future.  Even if this is a failure (though if it I hope it is an artistic ambitious failure as I can never not love those) I hope the future of comic films belong more to these unique idiosyncratic takes rather than homogenized shared universes.  Still, I ultimately cannot grasp EXACTLY what the tone of this is going to be and how violent which leaves me very intrigued.  Random stuff: the song selection was great, trailer making truly is an art form.  I really dig Joaquin’s laugh and physicality and with that scrawled note regarding mental illness I’m very curious as to the state of mind in which we will find Arthur Fleck at the movie’s beginning.  And is that a singing in the rain reference there at the end?  Him running and then posing in front of the mirror seems to take place following the beating he receives in the train (same outfit, bloodied face).  Does he do something to those guys?  Is that why he’s running?  What will he do on DeNiro’s show?  What is this uprising slash movement he’s inspiring (the folks with Joker masks in front of Wayne Hall and then again in a confrontation with the police.  I see a sign with the word “greed”.  Word is that Thomas Wayne may represent at least in part a certain VERY familiar super rich dude.  Having those political overtones could go either way, it all depends on the writing.  I love that this is a period piece, excited for little 80’s detail and VCR’s.  Finally, Gotham just looks dirty which is great and how it should look!  And it’s just exciting to see an actor like Phoenix playing such an iconic character (seems like it could almost be a swell companion piece to You Were Never Really Here, one of my favorite movies from last year) and a beloved villain of mine and seeing a studio take this chance!  I will eagerly await news of the rating and further trailer(s). I’m pumped!  I’m jacked!  I’m psyched!  And all the while I’m still a complete failure and utterly worthless individual!  And such is the nature of wisdom! 

mill10(crumpled up i am paper, but inspiration, have to do better, travels together, nothing real, to destiny)

Returns all around, eh.  Coming back, getting back to things over something.  Ah, no need to be secretive because it’s all right there in the title.  We were all stocking up on bottled water.  As always, it was quite nice to slip back in again.  How easily I forget.  And then again I’m reminded of how deeply unpleasant it all is.  In general, the walkaway no I mean the takeaway is that humanity is utter shit and at best we can hope to delay for a few moments the tidal wave of shit and awfulness which comes from our hellish hearts.  I’m ramblin’ man.  Not there but seems appropriate now.  And I see there is another lady of words who I must check out.  Of course, I understand the mentions of Cormac and I was reminded of nocturnal animals.  It was different but I believe it worked quite well.  I’m no deducer but angel…these letters…I know to whom but there remains still a mystery, yes?  So grim and awful.  No hope for any of us.  Are we waiting for hell to take us all?  Slouching toward.  Riding toward. 

I guess I’m unusually splitting things up.  So much information at all hours of the day.  travels to the holy land sound lovely.  And in an instant an entire imaginary life played out before him and it was so beautiful.  And then a trip to Greece.  And betrayal was everywhere inside of him and he was is will be an awful awful thing and everything is him.  And why in the sweetest of moments did he suddenly reject passion no not the word connection not quite right either but some type of rejection and even that isn’t sufficient he spit something from his mouth but please please there are absolutely no comparisons being drawn for I am awful ugly and utterly useless.  More coffee please, didn’t have to ask.  Covering while the jackal who is somewhere else entirely.  And the costly plans were beautiful and the imaginary life even more so.  And then the asking for affection later on.  Nothing is ever coincidental.  And here, nearly a year later reborn the element of betrayal and division and running through the trees, warmth in the stone and the drops of ocean water as braille.  The noose seems much clearer now. 

But getting back to that central question of the reality of the soul.  We can all see ourselves going in that direction.  Oh these recurrent damnable suggestions.  Of course now in tow the daughter alongside the jackal and everything necessary for the physicality but ultimately hollow.  And I believe there is someone so clear at the ball and there are no masks to be removed, only an errant lock of dark hair to brush to the side.  All alone.  So busy.  So I know see once again the problem with my central conceit here in that I am unable to go on with constant repetition.  This is not a failure of what is seen but on the eyes themselves.  I’d forgotten the flash of blinding white light which begins everything.  The preciousness of that sacred gift was thematic, yes?  Hence the early laughter.  And later on, all for wont of suckling on the glass teat. A  word etched in.  unnecessarily obfuscated perhaps.  Returning back now to compliments for that which I hate.  Hate is much too strong a word.  Simple disapproval.  Was not expecting, doubling down on the kindness.  Nothing really meant to be.  Pinched harmonics now as it seems appropriate this should serve as the backdrop.  There is no real temptation anymore.  Not of the type you’re thinking.  We have moved far far beyond that.  There’s a newfound emptiness but perhaps this is a means to escape a certain type of slavery.  No, that isn’t right either.  The jovial esclavitud has merely switched days and you are still absolutely nothing, an observer to your own self destruction.  And around you are others on their own respectable paths to damnation and they laugh and do not even realize what is happening.  On the contrary, they believe they are doing the right thing and on the up and up.  And why not?  It all feels so good in the moment.  So I volunteer to put memories to words and reinvite the beautiful vampire I created and who knows what may happen now.  He asked for two drinks and they were very fine.  And what followed as you witnessed so many succumbing to their destiny, not realizing you were doing the very same thing. 

Ultimately I had to question why so harsh for this iteration.  Mayhaps I was just feeling a tad nostalgic.  But once again that is not really the best word for this.  Very witty as we no they were not thinking of the lack of air as being problematic in exactly the same way.  Shame it seems this witticism is not something which makes the leap through all barriers of language.  which leads us back to the inevitable and those lovely overseas wishes and the journeys which will never take place as they took place in your mind and of course that is for the best.  Boy people sure do love having kids don’t they?  And then they love regretting it.  I ignored the lush fretless bass work involved in Hunter for far too long.  Maybe it had something to do with the Climate.  And that brings it all back to the receipt and how it all worked the first time and it does look glorious but everything was oh so unsatisfying.  My fault, I didn’t get the joke.  The joke is me. always has been.  But I give this, now in the double digits, I give this high marks and hope a return is in order sooner rather than later.  And he hopes for all the best for you always and may those travels be true. 

It occurs to me that I am quite empty.  I am empty of my own free will. 

$1.95

Often when I’m drinking excessively and starting to feel good I think it would be nice to drink myself to death and that this would be a great way to go out.  Sometimes I’m lying on the floor and almost believe I’m going to reach in back of my head to find a gun has just materialized and I will then use this gun to blow my brains out.  This is a happy comforting thought but so far no such firearm has materialized.  I listened to one song by OV7 several times just a bit ago.  Some odd new thing was discovered recently although it actually is not very new and I find myself drawn to the nurse variation.  Perfect blue is the order of the following week I believe or no maybe it’s after but it is pleasing all around and I think falls in line perfectly with the request of being cruised by the blonde.  Yes, during those moments sexuality isn’t really even a consideration.  It’s a complete non entity and how wonderful for that.  I need to buy a very large book which is actually part of a four volume set.  But not before I tend to the individual of indeterminate sex who keeps throwing bricks at me (and of course I keep mistaking this action for a sign of affection, possibly love).  I think I’m going to go watch a movie now but really, what the fuck do I know? The distance growing between…is staggering. 

Of course he masturbated joyfully while watching a woman eating delicious looking creamy alfredo (what did he wrapped around his head?  It looked designer!)!  Was this before or after that other bloke shoved peppers up his own ass (it makes the intercourse spicier)!  I drank coffee this morning and the night before I watched Rocky V (probably my favorite of the series) and drinking copious amounts of cheap whiskey and cheap wine.  As I fell asleep I fantasized about being physically tortured by a tall woman from another world.  I know I had some weird dreams recently but I can’t remember what they were.  These days I spend a lot of my time standing around with a shit-eating grin on my face.  I’m the king of something but I don’t know what. 

Of course, replacement plastics are going to come in soon to augment the lovely springiness in place all around us.  Or something.  I need a haircut and a stiff drink.  No one has ever accused me of being a warrior poet in the classic sense.  I should have been a photographer.  I should have been a watchmaker.  I’m really tired of people.  I think I’m going to cancel specific contact.  Oh well, or maybe he’ll have to kiss a dead guy’s jewelry after being embossed.  The ear makes more sense now.  It all happened over the course of a Sunday afternoon while eating undercooked red meat (though not undercooked enough for my taste).  Of course, I ate a bowl of rice recently.  And such is the nature of wisdom. 

Of course, I’ve spent much of my recent days listening to the album Influence by Michael Chiklis.  It’s arguably the album which has had the greatest impact on my life.  On an unrelated noted I’m looking for some very specific charms.  I need a specific type of magic which can counteract the recent broken glass accumulation.  Or do I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Would now be a good time to conjure up a flock of woodpeckers?  Mayhaps a real charmer could visit the home and work magic.  Ah, that sensory tactile stuff, those cleverly disguised videos, maybe what I actually need is very tactile very auditory fake magic.  That actually makes a lot of sense.  I need adjuster again.  Didn’t quite pick up on things before.  Are the signs legitimate?  What does this mean exactly?  I’ve said it before but I just adore the movie Manhunter and it is still my favorite version of the Red Dragon story, even more than the book!  And forget that POS from the aughts with Tony Hopkins and Eddie N.  what a pile of shit.  Very soon I hope to be outlining a new.  But not before another iterations is loosed and viewed by naked eyes.  In the sun, the golden light, of course, the great mistake I never made.  Persona non grata and free nachos and the charismatic captain of a sinking ship.  Nourishment at the very sight of you.  So much loveliness in the world.  Star fish.  Not quite right, purple in front, no, yellow and orange.  Back to those old days, eh?  One night at a potluck.  There were two women named Vanessa, how bizarre.  Spring dress.  I was the wordsmith.  I was thanked one time, one time was all I needed for a lifetime obsession.   There’s a few books I want to read.  It is unfortunate how ignorant I am.  Gold Key by a charismatic shifty man at the old train station.  Not actually a station though but a hub of commerce.  Living breathing desire all around and yet I was trapped and enslaved by something so awful it must never be put into words and no one will ever truly understand except for yours falsely. Fun house; the urgent sweaty apocalyptic sound of the end (los angeles, everything heading down the scorching sun as we are all blissfully obliterated…for seven years I talked to…(capital letter…)….he told me to send us all to….

 The most violent, the natural progression of time and new wallpaper.  Maybe one day with the extra special kiss.  I need only say the secret code words (and how could I forgot that 3 – the access code – is shrouded in mystery?).  but no, don’t mix things up here.  I know you’re just missing the.  Jackal who is not the jackal.  And the master of many languages, the numbers and hastily scrawled notes and signs and of course the rhapsody in blue and it’s all coming back to you and you wish to lie down in sweetest sin.  Of course, so much of my life has been spent in slavish adoration of hosiery.  What would I do without it?  It’s everything to me just as I am nothing to everything.  I’m going to drink a cup of black coffee soon.  Black coffee has me.  hark, is that someone at my door?  How I’ve longed for my face to be the footrest of so many.  I’m going to watch red news later on.  What am I excited for? 

so many windows but maybe i was wrong, need it once numbers down, prefer to twelve, don't know about sh....

I’ve been on a big noir kick lately!  Or have I?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  I drank heavily last night from a bottle of very cheap  red wine I purchased at the corner store. I’ve really been paying attention to the dust lately; blue backdrop and an elegant white bird in the foreground.  I understand the concept of peacock in the snow and realize it all relates to the lush land of Italy where I’ve never travelled but who knows what the future may bring?  I cooked liver last night and consumed it with a cup of red red wine.  I like that song Lemon Crush from the Batman soundtrack (not the score mind  you but the score is great too).  It’s like eating a giant lush cold piece of chocolate cake.  Even though I’m not really a cake guy, more of a pie man.  Very soon of course, I must acquire the initial zorn of mine. mayhaps I was taken deep into the throes of inspiration while listening to the scrotum impaled man tear it up on the sax in the luna lounge!  Of course, again, the dust is linked up heavily or something or other.  There’s someone in my house.  A new volume of ugliness is calling to me.  I had liver and onions for dinner last night and liver and onions for lunch today.  And then I ate a popsicle.  And such is the nature of wisdom. 

Of course I spent a decent amount of.  I’m drinking again but hey.  I watched Meet the Feebles recently and loved it.  That Jackson used to make really good films.  It can be truly said that I ate a can of yams for dinner.  

It was all about memories or something.  I think this is how life works.  Then the recurrent moment of love and inspiration and who did I see at the ball?  I’m already forgetting.  Ah, now I remember.  We’re losing touch.  I didn’t know what they hell they were talking about but my body is not made of golden metal.  Soon the season will begin anew. i adored the burning.  slowly at first and then everything perfection in final moments.  what does it all mean?  i'll be haunted for long time.  

And I think I understand what was being discussed now that is then.  My name is pena though it never combs so neatly back.  I am the dreamer and you are the dream and this is….  Chinese box but that is much later and thankfully not even a concern right now.  That’s what it means to be a world class lameass like yours falsely.  The colored ones intrigue me.  I am more interested than anything else but I don’t even know what that means.  Or why. There is a little teal notepad by my keyboard.  I don’t enough enough booze for tonight.  As I said, my name is pena.  Read the books.  I started with Sartre.  And now I won’t be able to sleep but it is not his fault but rather the subject is the culprit.  What have I done recently?  Who can even say.  Ah, the automobile.  I did love the war of jokes and riddles.  And my favorite color is red.  Speaking of, I have the new…he said to me when I climbed into the motor vehicle.  Then years later I would eat a sumptuous dinner straight from the can and it all links back or something.  I just wish I knew who and why the fireworks were going off during the day time but I think I have my answers and it all came after a brisk dance.  I feel so shellish now.  You know what I mean?  I have a new old discovery.  There is a lovely nurse waiting to provide comfort.  I need to get my ass out of the dirt.  I ate ramen earlier today.  I informed a friend the other day of my way to doom. The option for purchase is something which will destroy me.  too much control.  I can’t even think about anything anymore.  Now I see it all cleary no wait that doesn’t make any sense because the most perfect analogy was spoken in another language and it was all so beautiful and of course the clouds go away but the sun doesn’t come back but that’s okay because there’s a blanket on everything and I can sleep but without it I realize there is only being really really scared.  Dry.  I felt love the other morning though.  And then it all came down to what kind of chew tobacco I’m going to chew and that’s what being Ricardo means to me.  I guess.  Or something.  I guess he showed me what I was but maybe I’d feel so much more comfortable walking those urban streets by myself that is until I encountered someone but who knows I just need to…yeah, I know.  I almost left my posh flat today but I was too scared to.  Then I imagined myself being strangled and it was quite exciting.  Lovely just the other day.  I see it was a dinner and there was no such thing as age and it was all happening in multiple eras and there was acceptance and encouragement from a…who has had the most…one day take that trip but for now was this a blissful sign of encouragement we must all strive to do the best and enrich and make beautiful and I read a book by someone I really liked or something but no this moment was superlative and copper hair and I realized the thing about the profile but you know going down that road and I finally understand why cruise me why cruise and I laughed and wondered if I qualify and maybe I do and isn’t that just…lovely and inspiring and great and I

Luckily I made it home in time to see Liptai Claudia from 2013. And for those seven minutes and seven seconds everything was right in my perennially miserable world.  Oh for my face to be her footrest (especially after she had a long hard day of work) while she berates me would surely be the….