waltz up above

I read over old passages and thought about you.  Then I listened to some new old-style country music and the same thing happened.  That last description really did a disservice though.  I am not a nice person.   Maybe “nice” should be changed to “good”.  Don’t start looking for handouts now, it’s unbecoming.  

I have not been back since you left long ago.  It’s all stolen, don’t you understand that?
Sadness now in place of ecstasy.  It’s hard to figure out why he feels the way he does.  Is she waiting for you?  Just for that one hour, that one small moment that can be everything.  

Talking to people is bleeding.  

There was a man today who asked me who Brian Ship is.  He interrupted the conversation to ask me that question.  If he’d been paying better attention he would have realized the error inherent in his question.  My head hurt very badly and I did not respond to him.  That was very rude and I knew it in the moment.  He seemed pleasant enough I suppose.  I know he meant well, perhaps just desperately trying to form any sort of connection – aren’t we all (are we?)?  but I just couldn’t.  The thought of speaking to him was painful.  There is some lovely and shiny new ambience on the way to greet me though.  

Bret Easton Ellis called batman v superman one of the best movies of 2016.  I wonder what that means.  I often wonder what anything means.  There is too much dust inside.  She is looking remarkably well.  That is not a blue car at all but I will always remember it as such.  More punk, right?

I am curious where everything has gone though.  He is just going to open up the same thing all over again.  There are going to be many more tears this time.  Somewhere, it is shattering and then coming back together, music in the background, bliss.  We break for coffee and fingers graze a shoulder and this is the only moment ever of true doubtless happiness.  And there is still the night ahead.  The day is meaningless, light years away.  

This is real somewhere, I think.  There is also the masquerade ball, more real than anything, always repeating, always sad and wonderful.  Confronting the emptiness in everything.  Everything weighs so much.  Who the hell do you think you are?  I don’t know anymore.  Cue laughter.  Oh she has…green, blue, grey.  And you’ll never know.  

Tenderness.  So much deserved.  He asks for forgiveness and hopes it is real.  It is hard to tell the difference anymore.  Something is so wrong.  But no, this is deserved.  Everything that can be given for free. And it feels so heavy again.  Every word weighs a ton.  And it presses down on his chest and in his stomach and inside his head on his eyes.  This is funny, isn’t it?  

See the corner there, the light barely coming through the curtains.  I don’t know about this.  
New life.  Where has he been?  Where have you been?  Did it all come true?  There is too much awfulness already so please tell me it came true.  There should be nothing which changes your….  Was there ever anything real?  

Yes.  Don’t forget anything.  The details are so rich; she is painting inside of you.  The colors are beautiful.  Teal and magenta and black.  Oh, everything is excruciating.  Pain in head will not ever go away.  Everything is tensed and awful.  But inside there may be one little reprieve, a final place to live.  They are the same, right?  First the talk, the drinks, then the masquerade ball.  Tears all.  Tears always.  Nothing ever figured out.  No reason or understanding gained.  
Yes, she wonders.  She shares.  And she sees, just once.  Maybe….

It all comes back, harder to form anything anymore.  Crucible.  Third type.  

I need that bad stuff to make me feel better.  No, they had it right.  It doesn’t make anything come back.  But things go away for awhile, right?  There are no rules about anything anymore.  
I think I’ll go finish watching Tokyo Tribe.  It’s the middle of the night after all and there a lovely new bottle of vodka dying to meet me.  You know, I actually got my first job because I was the only one of the 17 applicants who owned a new pair of shoes.  True story.  This is the humorous part of things.  it’s good to temper stuff with humor.  Scott always gets that.  

Did you feel it when she fell?  Please do not let that be true.  The river is singing so beautifully.  It is quite a comforting thought, surrounded by blackness.  Everything would be heaviness then he supposes.  Likely a moment of extreme pain.  And then.  Warmth perhaps.  Safety and solitude and comfort.  The kind he or everyone is always searching to reclaim.  Though his search is somewhat built on false pretenses, right?  It was never truly given to him.  He was an unwanted guest.  

But no, not quite right.  Must change the course.  Bite into something.  Teeth are starting to hurt from all that exertion.  It doesn’t really matter though.  So calming though it is unfortunate that I came so very late.  Is it possible to make up for all the lost time?  Don’t try and be clever or cute anymore.  His disappointment was everywhere and….  Eyes so heavy and hands trembling.  This is not right at all.  even with everything shimmering in the background.  

But to end with such loveliness.  Was there genuine concern in her eyes, the soft lilt of her voice?  she offers it, hidden at first and then with a smile.  Everything is going to be okay.  This is a lie and everything is blurry because he realizes it for the first time.  But it doesn’t matter anymore.  The words were enough.  The look was enough.  Everything is blurry but he can still see her.  Everything is going to be okay.  I’m going to stay with you.  Until….

Todo va a estar bien. Me voy a quedar contigo. Hasta….