s2

I’m only on the second iteration and already I’m jumping wildly ahead.  In some ways it is present day while in other it more definitely a decade or so ago and still in many many other ways it actually roughly three fourths or so of all moments that took place between then and now.  Two lovely and dissonant things crash around me.  lovely isn’t always the right word.  What did I speak of yesterday of course but a black out and everything it has influenced and controlled since it’s first revelation including last night and today and right now.  Of course there is the matter of a replacement which is the current topic of discussion (not a disappearance, something happened today, why am I so….) 

Of course those last couple items are indelibly linked.  How could they not be?  But course the context was not really discussed, was it?  No, that’s not the right word either.  Something far more schematical is necessary.  But difficult if not impossible to delve into at this time.  so the first appearance of the second item.  Impossible to trace really.  Of course now with the bare minimum of thought and exploring back through all those meaningless and desire and repugnant moments (made awful solely by me) I see now it was evening of a distinct shade of green and something happened, something brought and then brought back and then brought back again.  Yes, this is not the first but it could possibly be the only first now in existence.  Surely, countless roles afterward.  And who can say what, if anything, was spoken.  But the time invented, the thousands upon thousands of moments lived – an entirely separation existence and not even the participants realized what was happening. 

Now everything is an odd grey.  Is this similar to the time before.  Feeling nothing now except for my own endless emptiness.  Strange, so distracting initially.  Still present but not even the benefit of distraction, simply gifting the knowledge of my utter worthless as a person, my inability to function, think and feel in any meaningful way.  But some many compulsions none the less.  Many small current happy travels.  And in person on his knees, looking around.  Geometrical in his fingers but only at the beginning.  Of course the insides find their own necessary way to strike a balance.  So again, what reminds is nothing more than a reminder of failure.  Soon again his intentions will be put to the test and soon again disappointment shall be the end result.  I’m drinking again and once more reminded of the sage words which were repeated earlier in the evening; the description so poetically apt.  ah, which brings everything back.  The presence surrounding those words.  There were varying shades of blue and now I see a tenuous (very) but tempting link which connects even further to the perhaps only known beginning; that being a particular shade and the required components to achieve it.  Dark wave.  Depression and laughter. 

Emptiness again, no more power and comfort to be found.  Everything is so awful and fleeting.  I’m falling down a very very long shaft, seems endless.  Appropriate. 

But what was I speaking of?  Ah yes, thoughts of thoughts and implantations.  Of course things always result in something crucial being harbored for so long. But this is all illusory.  He believes.  There is no point in wondering and the sin lays a trap again.  But in order for him to fall into it he has to want to fall. The sin is inside of him, he creates it and then loves and nurtures.  He sins because he is evil. Everything is so black and white now.  How weak I truly am.  Read the books.  Already started. 

Reversal now, despite the happy travels, surrounding the eyes, imagined eyes.  And a familiar smile.  Give him a pat on the back.  Keep reading.  And then side by side, how often side by side.  Looking down but you cannot look down, what is the difference between the two realities he is constantly living.  And then once before so very dark and full of the needed dulling effect and numbers were diminished for a moment and there was wonderment but of course no fulfillment, fulfillment could never exist.  And it will always be impossible to know where the desire meets the truth. 

Very unhappy now but its deserved so it doesn’t really matter.  Made a joke about killing myself earlier.  No, wait, I think I only really made a joke about me dying but not necessarily by my own hand.  Can’t tell what’s relevant or not. 

Nothing is working quite right but maybe that’s something of a blessing currently.  We’ll see what comes in a very short amount of time.  perhaps the craziness will start all over again.  In fact I would say that’s a certainty. 

Of course I haven’t expanded on anything I’ve started but that is forthcoming.  And this will surely be far far from the only time there is word of the replacement.  Again, so many different roles.  Devourer and electrician. 

Occurs to me know for that same blue to appear down below and how exquisite that would be.  With a shade of clear up above.  Over and over again these.  Now with the addition of the surrounding of eyes.  And of course the still of laughter, be careful of the algorithm.  Seeing now even further ways of replacement employment involving a newer favorite configuration.  With two and what below forcing what is above, the still of laughter again, so resonant as the color and the clarity, the smile, the secrets around the eyes, secrets which may even be real.  What is the electricity surrounding everything?  What is the impulse that draws itself near.  The most recent real moment reoccurring inside again and again.  And then is diverges.  The genuine reaction followed by the imaginary.  Reaching down.  tenderness.  Admission and more sweet laughter and for the moment everything is lovely but that moment is not real and everything is in fact a sin and I am awful again and full of hatred only for myself.