s5

Ah, now I realized a bit too late I was leaving someone out; someone very very crucial.  But what to do about personification?  What is the proper pronoun to use?  For surely this has just a big a role in the things as anyone else.  And now thankfully he tossed it all into the trash.  Right next to his bleeding heart.  Hahaha how melodramatic.  How trite!  And how long will that resolve last?  Hopefully at least the span of an hour. 

Here is the difficult part though.  He cannot recall at all when this particular bit of enslavement began.  But no, that is no the proper word. Any word or phrase which takes any bit of responsibility away from him or even suggests that it was somehow out of his control needs to be banished.  Please do not raise any bullshit about differences in willpower. 

There is one memory from things did not have such sharp clarity. More calm searching would be needed to recover the actual name.  star comes to mind but that cannot be correct and is likely being confused with another monumentally important figure. Ah, so clear now though.  The word office is applicable but not because it described a place.  And things were hanging off the edge, threatening to fall at any second.  This was so crucial.  This was a time of discovery.  Innocence has never entered into this but to be able to go back and halt everything at this one moment….  And from there can you recall the initial searching?  There was so much, so frantic.  And on those rare occasions where glass was not needed….surely there was nothing greater. 

No, see, this is the fucking pathetic mistake which was and shall be made a million times over.  There are many better things.  or maybe there is only one better thing, one or two, but they are so all encompassing, so obviously superior that it only clearly illustrates what a useless and sad fuckup I am.  But there is odd mysterious power at work.  no, again not true.  Again, he is simply trying to let himself off the hook.  It must be lovely to attach mysticism to things.  hahaha, I am laughing again.  Man, I am so fucking worthless.  Fuck, I am so unbelievable fucking ugly and putrid and nothing I do has any fucking value to it because it all comes from me and anything said or done could only pure shit if it comes from me. this is crucial to recognize.  Forget mysticism you worthless fuck. Forget thinking there is nothing better.  Or course there is.  And he has experienced it.  But the foul rotten heart inside him was screaming for something else.  Screaming on repeat.  Hahaha what a bunch of useless words.  Ah yes, those initial findings, that particular one remains but there were so very many.  And then the find of the century which somehow combined everything. 

Last night laying down I was actually driving along the freeway.  It was a very cool night and I was in a convertible with someone and it felt good to have the top down.  I think they met a prostitute out by the airport.  At once I understood that process of enslavement I would like to use as a scapegoat for myself….i saw it in them….they were me…we were all exactly the same.  I looked at the scars on his abdomen and face and they are the exact same ones I have. 

Plastic bag inside another plastic bag.  Frantic when the plastic was used and it all seemed so necessary but the spirits left and that remained was my horrible rotten self. All reactions only amounted to the unshakable intrinsic evil which always has a drink and laughs but this is not a scapegoat either and now I see you will stop at nothing to try and pass this along. No, that intrinsic evil you speak of is only yourself and nothing else.  And that deranged laughter is coming from your own mouth.  You just realized it a little too late because you are so fucking unbelievable stupid.  Ah, that piece of blue inside my mouth.  Depraved and deranged.  The mechanical devices keeping the legs so rigid.  This is all the same thing.  Can’t remember when or how it started but forever afterward it was always present  sensory was the priority.  That’s not quite right but the desire to obfuscate is so strong.  Wrapped around.  Vision blurring and breathing in deep.  A thousand different things imagined but all coming back to the same source in the end.  Fuck,even that isn’t right.  Focus.  Central.  And yes, you found the constant which encompasses everything and gleefully built a towering altar to your own hateful self destruction.  I must clap for you. 

Flash forward to bright lights and looking around and snatching.  No way to obtain the genuine artifact.  Or maybe there was.  Questions popped up and out.  And then again through the glass all things are made possible.  And on this very day.  a very decent number were visualized in the two processes, the two ways.  Dynamite.  Dynamite and red and black on top.  And there is such a strong shine and the cover was quick and if only…possible to… and likely is.   Mask, think of the mask and sometimes the possibility of.  So then maybe….  And through that a swift trip and the plastic out of the plastic which was gained by plastic and over and over and over and ah, yes this is the one and envisioning dynamite again.  Dinamita.  Of course, there is another part of him which breaks away and will desperately search for more. 

This is stronger than ever and wraps itself all around him and squeezes and bares down.  and it is lost and then so easily found again at every single turn.  this was the open invitation.  Was curiosity and exploration the very absolute beginning?  It’s possible.  But it doesn’t really matter anymore.  That beginning lasted a few seconds and the unholy obsession is a lifetime.