s6

I was in church and then I was taken back to a spring day.  fill in the blanks here.  already I started off incorrectly because it was summer not spring.  These were the days of journalism, of cigarettes and ink and…no, that is all bullshit. I am so full of shit.  Nothing I say is ever correct.  Summer, and there was a green dress. Maybe yellow.  It was lovely.  I tried so hard for the proper coverage.  I would make myself known.  In church today I was brought back to this moment.  A moment which is entirely inconsequential to the universe and all the other players involved but which is extremely meaningful to me.  that moment and several others are all on one chain and one leads to them all.  I don’t like to think about these moments though because they are too beautiful.  But I was unable to stop it today.  Was it grass or perfume or something else?  Why was I there in the first place.  Of course I remember, initial return and there was a big convention of sorts to cover.  That was not the first time though?  Why is everything so mixed up.  It’s because you don’t like thinking about these things.  my God, I am simply so awful.  Thursday is to be an important day.  though I am not sure what I am allowed to celebrate.  Yes, standing there, the summer dress was renewed.  And along with that was something else.  Polka dots.  Navy blue and white.  And something else which was discussed in depth yesterday and which always exerts a terrifying control.  I’ve seen the future and….  Ah, more and more is unfolding.  Don’t confuse so many smiles but there were three at dinner, remember. This was a very important narrative to relate. Three at dinner and two were oh so kind.  There was color and that was the theme.  Maybe I’ll stick around for a little while.  These were beautiful words.  Later on bearing witness at two distinct locations.  No, in fact not so distinct at all, one just an extension of the other.  Recognition, oh my gosh.  So friendly. 

Then at another location for thanksgiving.  Laughs, what help?  What was I even doing there?  I am nothing.  Nothing really matters.  Hands going numb now and I need a drink. 

Do you like coffee?  That was the question.  The only question which has ever really mattered?  Didn’t you notice the constant participation.  The Italian who is not Italian.  Haha, I laugh, who understands but one.  hands already going numb and I need a drink. 

Multiple encounters everything dying and he was too blind to see the force of obligation taking hold.  Oh what a foul pathetic creature I am.  Haha, it’s all related see.  I mistakenly believed in some purity.  That was my mistake from this very morning where for a moment I allowed myself to indulge in those lovely moments which are typically banished.  But in so doing I somehow bought into my own hype.  Hype that only I created. 

What am I saying?  It’s clear.  Up til now in the back of my useless diseased brain there was a part of myself clinging to these banished memories, thinking they were somehow separate from these other things.  that’s not true though.  In cowering from my evil they simply manifest as a different type of evil.  In some ways they are a simply more pathetic version of the original foul thing.  It’s almost impossible to believe I could manifest as even more pathetic than normal but I accomplished it.  It seeps into everything now.  Because it was always present.  You were always present to haunt things.  your desperation was never more palpable.  Hahaha, if I could go back I would simply blow my brains out and be done with it.  Nothing could be more appropriate.  Can you be more clear.  Hope was on the table and what was inside that hope was your ugly festering heart.  But somehow you created another version and kept it separated and this one had the illusion of purity.  Did you murder it and or did it blow it’s foolish brains out?  Because this was not pure either.  Again, this was as infected and foul as anything else and just curled up cowering in the corner and crying and wondering and pleading.  I would be so good, it said.  I would be everything you need.  Yes, put this thing out of its misery.  But is that what happened?  Or was it simply reabsorbed.  Even together these things do not seem to co-exist.  Except they do.  No, what the fuck is it.  It’s all the worst aspects of both mentalities splitting up and combining over and over again.  There is no positivity to be seen or felt here. 

Can’t forget about all the desperate words.  Hahaha so amusing and sad.  How many times was that old trick carted out.  Fuck.  The words were typed out this time as opposed to hand written but the result was hilariously the same.  Of course there could be no other result.  This was the most appropriate.  This topic is everything.  Repeated later to much alienation. 

And then less and less because it never matter. I’ve said it before.  So obvious now.  Again, I do not matter.  Yearning is such a deeply pathetic thing.  The creatures crawling along the walls were me.  I was in church and something came back to me and for a moment it felt good but only because of a strong lack of self awareness.  This has been cured.  I have never done anything good.  I would apologize to you but why pro long any contact with me.  he was rightfully discarded a long time ago and best to just leave it at that. 

What was once beautiful is now tainted like everything else. But again, that’s not quite right because it was never beautiful in the first place.  Nothing involving you could be beautiful.  Others may and have presented beauty but why damage what isn’t yours?  So I suppose it is okay for me to indulge in these “lovely” memories because they now serve as a rightful mockery of what I believed.