s12

There were curtains afterward but that was a bit later.  Curtains at the fateful announcement.  I have lived with that one for so long.  No, immediately after everything was pretty much hunky dory.  Boy, do I keep fucking things up or what?  That’s always been my special little talent in life.  Still, things were a bit hazy over all.  I recall almost bursting into tears at the prospect of making an extremely minor change to something.  Then later on I laughed at what an utterly inept person I am; just a big fucking failure in nearly all areas of my life.  I only have myself to blame though so at least I take some consolation in that!  I can never cry at the right times.  I need to take some lessons.  So yeah he went about his day and though things became a bit hazier and there was that odd heaviness right in the center of his forehead he was able to let his personality slip away and get down to the dry business of life.  It was only when he went to the post office to make some copies and fulfill other menial and meaningless tasks that he sat in the parking lot for a long time and couldn’t get out of his car (where I feel safest of all) and couldn’t pick up the phone to make calls or do any of the things he was supposed to.  Instead he just imagined the weight of a well oiled and reliable thing in his hand that he could at himself, right there below the chin while looking up or right against his temple and it was such a comforting thought.  He let this thought wash over him for a good long while and eventually he realized that his personality had been making a nasty little comeback and that this lovely dream was the desperately needed antidote and so he was able to keep his awful self at bay again for the time being and with a big ol’ smile he entered the post office and completed the dry work which needed to be done.  He also stopped for a coffee afterward (or maybe it was before) and that was nice too. 

And then racing against the clock while racing the witch and one must eliminate the editions which emerged during the final year of the most recent century or at  least just few, need to make some changes I suppose though maybe there wasn’t so much bricking; I don’t believe in myself. First need to acquire that which is alone in all her sex.  And goodness knows I have another long reading list well at hand.  I went somewhere for a while and there was all these nonsensical considerations of crime and Venusians which really reminds me of a couple other things including a rather frightening encounter side by side with another vehicle that wasn’t a car as well as something of an invasion, an invasion I’ve long searched for.   

And it was nice to numb things for a while but that can never last.  I need to go back and have lunch again.  Whatever the fuck that means.  All these pirate imitators and their decapitations.  Of course nothing I say really matters.  Nothing I do really matters. 

All sorts of things to consider. Of course I was delighted with double missives.  I know I thought about killing myself for a very decent portion of the day and the thought made me feel good but I can’t recall if I was thinking about that in the lovely moment I just mentioned.  I suspect I was and it was simply a matter of…so confused, no, I got, it was lying down in sweetest sin, being pricked, I have this, those thoughts were always there and the sweet little bit of attention somehow made those thoughts even better, enhancing everything and making it all feel so warm and inviting.  Rushed out, no, that’s not true, but even if it were I would be the only one to blame because I am so utterly foul and worthless.  Lifetime commitment.  Life sentence.  Be mindful of the boy but I want to utterly obliterate the boy for how fucking simpering and pathetic he is.  No one failed me because I was never worth saving.  My needs have never been important. 

And in the end I couldn’t make anything work.  I desperately wanted to make this one thing work and it seemed so simply but as usual I fucked it up.  and there was such clear disappointment and I hurt and I felt bad and I wanted to cry but I don’t know anymore and I am just an ugly awful worthless thing whose specialty if fucking it all up and why did I even bother?  Back and forth and back and forth and I can’t do a fucking thing right. 

Hahaha truly I am just a foul thing that turns to other foul things for comfort.  Time and again I tell myself….  Green wheels come into play and it’s almost just right for today.  That color.  So often there was snake symbols and electricity and of course humiliating failure because how could there not be humiliating failure where I am concerned?  Both actually and within the realms of fantasy.  Yes, it was there, no sweat, didn’t even, and it happens and even with such strenuous preparation it happens again and much much worse and even more humiliating but somehow better and voices are quieter now and I so desperately want to feel something but I can’t except for self hatred.  I just want to go running into…and collapse into…but no, something shuts down, and it is very much that needed bit of isolation, that side which never sees the sun and there is a light switch and only one person could see it, and now I’ve showed it but even with this I am still ugly and worthless and believing otherwise would only be pathetically convincing myself of a lie. 

s11

Listening to new bat for lashes album as I write all this crap down.  I say crap for a couple different reasons but I’ll only name one.  one reason is that my writing is crap.  For a split second there I saw everything in technicolor. 

Following the meeting I was listening to David Bowie’s album Low.  This is a regular occurrence for me in many different avenues of my worthless life.  Important to note it is worthless because I am a failure and there is no one else to blame for my numerous and continuous failures other than myself.  You can’t polish a turd as they say.  But wait, that still implies there is some element outside my control but that simply is not true.  And I’m still waiting for a return call.  Hahaha, how hilarious and utterly fitting that I’m not even for that.  They’re not wrong.  Always crashing in….   Meanings are so clear now.  I felt especially awful earlier today taking a trip down memory lane (don’t confuse anything with a world tour or is it award tour?).  singularly awful.  You are going to be so sorry one day for the way you treated us.  Ah ah, you don’t got nothing to say that I wanna hear.  Such godawful dialogue all the time.  total fucking hack. The kingdom was lost for want of a chocolate donut.  Fuck, what worthless ugly fucking things we all are.  just petty little worthless fucks.  And then later one, I would take on the role of little friend.  and there were tears.  How fucking pathetic.  Yuck.  Hate to cross all these things together.  That fucking awful voice.  Well, what’s the big deal, they’re just bees?!  Was that a direct quote.  Don’t be rude.  So ungrateful.  Why are you so stupid?  I hope you’re fucking happy for this fucking mood you put me in!  Well, it’s entirely possible that – just shut up!!!  Does it really take that long?  Name, shut up.  GODDAMNIT NAME!!!  I think about floods was slammed on the ground and a paper amusingly took a bit longer to make it there. complete sentences are so tricky.  More screaming, I’m not a damn dog.  Or is goddamn dog?  If you talk to me like that again you will be out of my life forever.  Fourteen fourteen!!!  If anything happens to him I will blame you for the rest of your life.  You sit your ass down and take it.  You can go live with her whenever you want. Ah, but what of the secret diary entries.  I can talk to you however the hell I want.  Are you going to deny God?  Well it seems you’ve learned how to sign my name.  well you can just all go to hell.  C’mon c’mon!  I don’t need this.  I don’t have to answer to you.  You wouldn’t have made it.  There are other BLANKS who would die to have BLANKS.  If you’re not grateful.  I don’t know, don’t count on it.  One of these days I’m gonna haul off and….  That’s it we’re you BLANK, we shouldn’t have to beg.  Don’t start with your stupidity.  Don’t be obnoxious.  Goddamnit, that costs money.  Lately you’ve been saying a lot of things you should be sorry for.  It’s not going to be tolerated.  Ah, the long periodic moments of silence.  Days on end.  He could there have been a time when these were not treasured?  Eventually he learned.  Those were truly blissful moments.  Lets throw a little money into the backseat and leave a present on the stair.  Ah, sweet silences, particularly on special occasions hahaha.  Lets take it all down while we’re opening it up.  I don’t know what your problem is with me lately.  Won’t see her for maybe a year.  Ugly eyes bulge, oohohooooh.  Awful disgusting immature beast.  A thing.  A repulsive thing.  Fucking ugly and foul.  That was an incredibly cruel thing you said.  good.  Foolish to apologize. 

Vampires play the best saxophones.  Wait, what I meant is that the best sax players are vampires.  When I need trombone, my dog is handy.  I have a very tiny compact disc somewhere that took me ages to find.  Ah, the thrill of the hunt.  Now gone but not forgotten.  nothing really stays forgotten. 

See I went down this ugly awful rabbit hole.  But then afterward I think I lollygagged for a good while and failed again and restarted again and then I was forever refreshing my email and hoping for….  And the night came and around 10 I was okay I think and then around 10:30 I was getting scared and soon enough would be utterly terrified but I remembered a little enclosure and I used it.  And I used it and I started going back and forth between it and something much much larger and yes there was drink as well but it worked and then I got scared again and I went back to these again and worked and then again and it worked and it was chilly and warm and lovely and he asked her to pray for him and wondered if it was wrong but it felt okay, it felt very okay and there was more warmth and this was through the night into the lovely morning. 

And yesterday was failure again but little anger.  And today was failure again but maybe tinger with anger but…something greater still to…. Hard to embrace anything….  There was silence during the meeting and recounting a decade plus of existence and this provoked a gradual disintegration of his personality and is that normal because he can never say?  Of course, that leant insight into a most favorable perspective.  This is why friendship is not possible and that must make someone very comfortable.  I need to ask for forgiveness again and again because I am so awful.  He had to rush to make it.  And then what happened, locked in awful memory, and he has no idea if that silhouette in the doorway is real or not.  There is fear and bitterness and anger and he’s not ready yet for anything more.  He needs a white book.  a returned call.  Some lights going back and forth.  Electricity going through him.   Swim to her in the dark. 

Oh, and seeing Tatiana’s hosiery clad feet in high definition made me….

s10

I keep thinking.  And I now some want to end me. but I keep think about.  I can’t say.  Or I don’t know.  A kindness.  I know it’s all neatly defined.  Friendship isn’t possible.  That makes you very comfortable.  Still want and need to shed some tears. 

Caring female presence? Compassionate female presence? Kind female presence? Loving female presence? Nurturing female presence? Tender female presence? Loving female presence? Gentle female presence.  Comforting female presence. 

The new Tegan and Sara album is so good it almost makes me forget what a worthless failure I am; really lovely music.  You know what else I love?  Hildur Guonadottir’s score for Joker.  It’s a damn fine score and was very well used in the feature film. 

I was very much imagining death last night.  He wanted to die in her loving arms.  He wanted to die in her forgiving arms.  I got blazing drunk last night and smacked my head something fierce on a metal structure.  Then I intentionally cut myself 6 times.  The cuts don’t hurt but my head still does. 

I guess I am ultimately just a foul empty person.  you’re stupid (talking to myself here).  don’t play around, just do it already.  I complimented someone on a vest yesterday.  Communication with yours falsely must be met with abject horror.  I would like to watch another episode of Miami Vice but damned if my time management has not been great this week following a week of great time management.  He is terrified over how much he will miss her.  I felt bad earlier and a very perceptive person noticed.  I was drinking water when they noticed.  I told lies and asked for water.  I suppose mostly what I’m good at is causing pain.  There’s only one way for things to be….  This is so finite and so specific.  There is not a rapport in the real sense.  You should not care at all what I think.  How heartbreaking.  I can’t summon any words.  I don’t know how to express pain. 

Ah, I see now.  Everything was strategically placed electric.  Right down to the small tentacle creature.  So many little words and phrases remembered.  Ah, the great heights of professionalism which I will never know.  I don’t have any but I keep spending anyway because I like it and because why the hell not, right?  No, that’s not entirely true.  Have to remember everything but I was paralyzed with terror last night that I couldn’t fucking sleep a wink and that must at least be part of the reason why I keep looking over my t-shirt clad shoulder while I type this garbage up.  i wish I was drunk right now.  Same jokes about sitting down but he couldn’t stop smiling.  Desperate now.  And all at once things became decidedly psychedelic and he found himself in a starkly colored 70’s film, something along the lines of early Cronenberg and replete with odd technology which would doubtless open the doors to…. No, this is only fantasy again.  Always a comfortable retreat into fantasy and how lovely these things remembered and what is his safe place?  Oh yes, right there by the bridge there was unexpected hug and everything was lovely in that singular moment and he hasn’t been able to let go of it since.  And everything in an electric room now.  Now with the company of passengers and oh dear oh dear oh God its number three again and I don’t understand what’s happening anymore.  I hope those little blue doctors don’t come back because I hope they have never been before and oh what is happening?!  “You’re such a wonderful person but…. “  and I am susceptible to so much.  I am a benign form of evil.  This was realized the other day.  but am I benign?  Or that just what I tell myself.  No, please let’s go back to something else.  Great that the wind is blowing.  No, all the little things remembered, so lovely, the fruit there on the counter top, now with bold new color.  And then taken away by the bridge, why do you listen to these things?  and even after all those drinks your heart was fucking racing and she labeled it as….  Can that be right?  It can be right but what of context? And something else.  An addiction to fear.  How awful and fascinating.  Thank you for not laughing.  You’re doing the best you can.  Comforting words again.  Nothing makes any fucking sense.  Secrets locked away somewhere and things forgotten and now resurfacing, everything awful.  No, not everything.  Fuck, electric everywhere.  I want to live there.  and of course the orange profile and later on words from an orange tome.  It’s all fucking related.  But just hang on and yes thankfully he I realized cannot wait another extended period of time and it’s all going to begin again and who knows what will happen, least of all me because I never know fucking anything.  But yes, there was something lovely there.  laughing at all the right moments.  All cogs inside.  No sun in my eyes.   We repeat things.  time goes by way too quick.  I’m still searching for my script.  Almost broke down there.  said thanks and meant it. 

I recently watched the Batwoman pilot.  Or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, I did watch it.  And I also watched the second episode.  I ‘m really on a roll with that series.  I love the new Bat For Lashes album too. 

I feel so awful now. Must be because I’m a piece of shit tee hee.  I’m not sure why I put tee hee because I’m not laughing now.  I actually feel quite bad.  oh well, I guess it’s well deserved.  Tomorrow will likely be another day of extinguishing personality.  I keep encouraging a friend of mine to buy his a wife a book of ancient Chinese history but he never listens.  No one ever listens to me.  and with good reason!   

s9

Listening to spoken word shit.  I was reading a book with an orange cover earlier.  Did you know I like to read at bars?  I love to drink and read.  Someone wants to fuck next to his books of ancient lore.  Something isn’t quite adding up here.  no, it is.  Never mind.  Gotta stop resisting the levity.  Erica Durance is definitely my favorite Lois Lane.  For me, her’s is the definitive portrayal and one that will very hard to beat.  I think of her when I read the comics. I need to figure out which Frank Zappa album I wanna listen to tomorrow during a drive.  Is it okay to call it a night?  Rare moment of peace.  You know I really like avenue b.  you know I really like that album by Bebel Gilberto I have, lovely lovely music.  Need to acquire more.  On an unrelated note and different medium, Limon’s words made me cry multiple times.  I love Clive Barker’s writing.  Or do I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Wait, yes, yes, I do love it.  Listening to some weirdness while I write. 

The little green wheels again.  I was tearing apart my room, frantically searching.  Alas, and thanks God, they were all gone.  I did something right for a change.  But even the midst of doing right I still do wrong. 

Eroticized rage.  Violence against women.  Even if she abuses me at least she’s still paying attention to me.  a container; a large safe.  A safe place.  I could not find one.  whole body shaking before that.  Numbness in my arms, going out everywhere.  Could read the language.  odd contradiction, hate people, and yet the feeling of safety.  Safety with one other person. 

I’ve said it countless times before, no, I’ve quoted it countless times before but it’s more true than ever that research has pierced all extremes of my sex.  I didn’t know I couldn’t sit at the bar; man, I’m stupid.  Saw the excitement in your eyes (ready, set, go!). 

Well, well, revelation time.  and that is a most appropriate word.  Its always great to discuss degrees of evil.  And I now know that the evil inside of me is much greater than I imagined.  Limitless depths. 

I’m so tired and my hands and fingers ache and I am drink cheap red wine.  I listened to a lot of music today and that is a good thing.  I do so love the album The Idiot by Iggy Pop, lovely and essential work from the Berlin era.  I think I’ll go to Berlin someday.  Speaking frankly is so very hard.  Can hardly stay awake right now.  I feel like I’m driving through a rain storm.  I can only think of other people’s words right now.  No, I can speak frankly and honestly.

My heart is an ugly awful thing.  It is  incapable of being faithful.  That is merely one facet of it’s ugliness.

The confession…maybe admissions is a better word.  No, I think confession is better and more thematically resonant.  Felt wonderful and horrible.  I am a weak pathetic thing.  But I long to make the same confession over and over again.  I need something else to help me shed tears. 

I am feeling all over the place.  I know something will pass.  I think it will pass.  Part of me does not want it to pass.  Excitement in your eyes.  I know there is a kind presence.  I’m fucking it all up again.  Make a dedication later on.  Please let me be able to make that dedication.  He’s drinking again.  I’m going around in circles.  Always crashing….  Of course, I am feeling sadness and regret.  Everything is making so much more sense now, new meanings and reinforced meanings.  Haha, I am such an ugly thing.  But how beautiful and appropriate now.  All my violence.  I’m so glad….  But if only this time could be different.  At some point these paths will fall away from one another.  I can’t ever be….  Fuck, everything is just recollection of….  There’s only one way for things to be between…that was on something I made for someone else a long time and that someone is in my safe place.  Nothing real outside my dreams.  There’s only way and I need to shake these awful feelings.  Anyone who says I am not a terrible ugly person is wrong.  Violence.  This was always the secret ingredient.  And all these years I was only fooling myself.  Haha, had I actually started to convince myself I am a good person.  I’m more blind than all the others I’ve ever hated.  And just as awful. 

All scattered and absurd now.  In love with Tatiana. 

Toda la felicidad.  On the verge of crying while driving but couldn’t quite make it there.  and man, that is a terrible feeling.  I feel it now even while I drink heavily and call to sister midnight (I’m an idiot for her).  no judgement.  But I think that has to be impossible.  And I know that hurts me so much.  Because the foundation is constructed of ugly things.  put it in a safe.  I should have chosen a led box.  Fuck, it’s all gone to shit now.  I’m spewing hatred.  I’m a little baby.  I’m a fucking ugly whiny bastard. 

We’re all writing the end to our own stories.  We’re all wishful thinking our way to the end of our own stories.  We’re all spewing bullshit and then gulping it down again. 

I need to spill more words once I figure it all out.  This is an interesting start.  I don’t know where I’m at.  I’m out of money though.  Oh well, I’ve been out before.  I’ll be out again.  It took me forever just to fucking say it.  God, I’m a wretched thing.  Worthless piece of shit.  Why can’t I feel this?  Why can’t I feel anything? I feel awful and then I feel nothing.  I’m screaming now like I was screaming in my car earlier. 

s8

I feel so bad.  I’m taking a trip through all my most recent failures so of course it’s taking quite some time.  Instead I should have walked with you through your fanfare.  I need to drink a glass of water.  Crude red over the mountains; they do, more than people realize.  Ah, falling back into place again.  When did it start?  Not so long ago.  Searching and the jackal for real this time the real jackal and later on the fruitless search (at least he could resist that) for the jackal who is not the jackal.  Nothing really matter I suppose.  Hahaha, I laugh to myself.  I’m such a worthless failure.  Time and again I tell myself….  It’s either all an accident or all fate.  I was an accident. 

I feel so awful inside.  Everything good about me – what little there was – is rotting away.  Of course, no one else is to blame but myself.  I walked away and felt horrible.  That’s not…whatever.  Can’t think of anything.  I gotta buy a book.  I gotta eat at some point.  Everything feels awful and pointless.  No one’s fault but my own.  My fingers hurt.  Water and pigs.  On the way home, always crashing, I’m tired now so I need to drink something to wake me up.  I don’t care about any of this.  I sort of like this grey area I’m floating in.  I’ll probably drink later.  Nothing really matters.  Was something purple today?  I think it might have been.  Please don’t say my mine.  I could never say anything harsh.  And a little dahs of self destruction again.  I never do anything.  This is the end of everything.  One long deformed expanse of tedium and mediocrity.  A much wiser man’s toast, “here’s to a lousy life!”  hands ceasing to function, spirit in peril.  What shitty words.  I was sitting with a bunch of blue.  It takes a great deal just to open my mouth and speak.  When I started talking about the one thing I felt strange tingling in my hands.  I can’t say anything.  I don’t want to see anyone.  Why can’t everyone just leave me alone.  It doesn’t seem like that tough of a request.  But what the fuck do I know?  Now I am needy, I am a needy little bitch and I just replace one fucked up thing with another.  There is no end to my corruption.  Man, I’m useless.  I want to open my window but there’s too much fucking noise outside.  There are too many things I want to say.  I need to get some money though.  Nothing makes me feel good.  I feel torn up, I feel awful.  My stomach hurts.  Must write down on some parchment and talk about all my unimportant bullshit very soon.  Too much coffee.  I’m addicted to my sinful bullshit, man I’m a piece of shit.  It’s not disappointing because disappointment implies I was unaware.  I’ve always been aware.    

Made some comparisons but no one asked for my….  Don’t like when our needs are so obviously publicized.  I was just thinking of something beautiful.  These are beautiful moments.  It is odd to think I can exist inside a beautiful moment.  Wide naked eyes.  Robbery again.  And there is silver coming down.  Thank God for Low.  I’m always crashing….  I would have done it for now if not for.  Haha, but of course Jasmine is actually…I mentioned feeling free somewhere else.  Thanks the Lord for the entire Berlin era.  I was at a bar earlier and reading about but I was driving earlier and listening to it.  It made me feel good and worthwhile and also met me on all the levels of feeling bad. 

After the entire day I still only understood a very small amount.  I see how limited everything must be.  I realize now friendship is impossible.  Hahahaha I have become something so beloved but I am something so awful.  My bedspread is red. The curtains to my bedroom are red.  I drink heavily.  I go out to the balcony on occasion and sing a little song.  I frequently wear that mask of regret.  I’ll be driving the ambulance one day and making jokes about the dead man.  I’ll give the signal for a touchdown when we blew it all to shit!  I’ll chase after you when you run away. I am evil. This is certain.  But I still love you even though I don’t stand a fucking chance of understanding how to love. 

It may be necessary for some type of passing the buck.  Of course I would understand. I need to scour these lines for something to use.  I was somewhere else earlier and mystery was laid out before me.  I realized yet again how awful I am.  Of course, the beginning of fucking up took place in a black and white world. And then investigation, research shall we say.  And then later on I was a lovesick puppy and the easy comfort felt oh so natural and there was a woman dancing in a black dress.  There is a ray gun pointed to my head.  I need look at the proper remasterization.   

After the confessions I felt bad, drove around, listened to Bowie and other things, felt progressively worse and wanted to look at stuff, reminded me in book that it is quick fix, something that is always there for you, reliable, always works.  I wrote about it.  I also know, I do like writing and feeling creative, and I know I mentioned negative stuff often feels more real than positive stuff, I like feel creative.  Drinking numbs feeling sexually aroused.  I think I feel weird here and like sharing and then its stops and it’s like I’m thrown in a weird pool and I get used to it and then I’m thrown back out.  I am a world class jerk for most people.  Correct feelings on…Correct feelings on…

Talk about driving around and crying and saying I’m bad and going to burn in hell. 

I love you. 

Fuck it, I should just go get wasted and read The Tommyknockers again. 

On a totally unrelated noted, I love love love Prince’s 1996 album Emancipation and I have so many wonderful memories discovering and bonding and growing with this music.  Gotta get wax! And eat some cereal! With soy milk! Cause cows are for calves! 

s7

I think I love Iggy Pop’s new album.  And Lana Del Rey’s new album!  Not Tool’s new album though, yeesh.  It’s easily their worst in years; don’t even want to waste any time writing about it.  I need to pick up Bat For Lashes new album.  And a couple other ones I can’t remember right now.  I have to buy some books too, another Limon (she wore….).  No, I’ve made up my mind.  I love Iggy Pop’s new album.  It makes me feel so free. 

What the hell am I doing? I recently asked myself this question.  I looked long and hard at a receipt recently and it made feel bad and nostalgic.  I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, that’s for damn sure.  I am so very flat right now.  But it’s a good.  The other day he wished someone would take him out to a field and shoot him in the head.  Then after a beat everything was fine.  I need to start waking up earlier.  My hands are hurting something fierce.  I’ve been writing other things lately.  They’re more than likely utter crap though, just like all the other crap I write.  I have no idea what I’m saying or writing anymore but I’m convinced it doesn’t matter.  I watched the Miami Vice movie the other day.  damn, I love that movie.  I also like the show.  I’m wearing a t-shirt right now.  If only I was wearing a jacket too.  I’m listening to words now.  I am an awful person.  let it not go…i don’t know, lost interest in my sentence there.  but I am bad.  I’m so blah lately.  I’m just a big nothing.  It doesn’t really matter though.  I can’t abide by the thought of…something.  I don’t know.  Corrective shit.  I can eliminate something.  Because I am awful.  But wait, I mean, I can eliminate something awful in me but I’ll still be awful.  That will never change.  Don’t believe in yourself.  I was looking at the same date every night right lights out.  During the review of said data I was also drinking heavily.  And such is the nature of wisdom.  I ate pizza twice last week.  No wonder I’m such a flabby sack of shit.  I read a couple beautiful books recently.  They were very inspirational.  You know I really love U2’s album Zooropa.  And I love how the penultimate tune quotes Bukowski.  It’s a great inspirational line..  I don’t really know what my problem is.  I’m just a terrible person. hahaha, I chuckle to myself, I guess that’s my problem.  Avoid eye contact, fella.  Just stare right next to a person, right to the right of em.  That’s the key. Patience is the key.  Time, patience, the right berries.  Items are coming for me in the mail tomorrow and I’m so excited I may just go put my freshly washed laundry in the drier.  And then hopefully I’ll throw myself off the fucking bridge though of course I don’t have the fucking guts to what’s necessary.  Never have, never will (and you’ll never know).  Of course I need to order post haste that limited edition marine wax.  It is too lovely, too brassy.  No, not too brassy, the brassiness is fantastic, I love it, juts fucking love it. Maybe I’ll write about it in depth. 

Ah so even in the midst of all this recovery and purity I still manage to taint it because my heart is a foul dirty little thing.  Of course this is exactly the way I want it.  I don’t think I can trace it back.  What am I talking about.  Of course I can.  Because he went in with this drive, this direction.  In that it all folded out as it was supposed to.  And then the recurring motif of research and my God I did not even realize until this very moment with these calm voices ringing out how true it was and is and always will be.  The voices are testament to everything.  I don’t think it was the next time.  whenever, one of the next times.  It all adds up.  What a lovely season of corruption.  Not a season, no, this is corruption everlasting.  This is everything you touch being tainted for life.  Yes, the other day he could not even get the words out, all too pointless.  What was amusing is…whatever.  No, wait the possibility of knowledge.  Foreknowledge or something.  The possibility that the person you think does not know may in fact know and in reality you want that person to know.  And in weird moments nothing feels serious and in fact it doesn’t really feel like anything.  It is like I am just apart from myself and apart from everything and I never know if this is bad or not.  Oh, what bullshit, of course its bad and it’s nothing more than generous and elaborate self delusion so I can for a moment pretend that I am not complete shit and that everything I do and create is not complete shit but of course that lie is too fucking weak to survive for too long.  We’re dealing with brains here people.  But yes, the knowledge.  And then it all came back to that great horned beast the rhinoceros.  Yes, that and the subsequent two iterations including a number which will soon have a very particular significance.  So many are healing currently.  I know his philosophy is not all right.  He has to believe this is on the right side oh for fucks sake just what you mean.  It’s because it does not entirely add up and trust is so fragile.  This has to be real but please don’t talk about love because it all sounds so false but that is entirely my fault and nothing else really matters, only the fact that it is only my fault, no on else is responsible and my great love of sin is not about me giving in but only about me embracing and kissing so tenderly my own fucked heart.  I feel anxious and awful right now.  I just have to remember the pointlessness of my feelings and that pointlessness stems from me being a rotten piece of shit. 

wicker (alternate mid tomorrow), also 3m3c3 (i think that last 3 is right, noose and braille)

This started out as something else.  But that’s okay. It’s in many ways related to something or maybe that’s only the first paragraph.  No, the first couple I mean. 

His heart is awful.  Emotions betray everything.  Do you remember how safe you felt inside that storm?  Do you remember running through it on a summer evening?  It makes sense.  Please do not shed any tears because that would just be so fucking pathetic on your part.  Why not try to be a good person for once in your utterly worthless life?  I can’t even get any words out anymore.  Just a useless waste.  Something is clouding my vision here.  amongst all those old books do you recall discussing the tortured history that brought us all together?  Hesitancy and then revival the very next time.  cranberry and cream and something new unrecognized but joyous and oh please be for me. cold in the middle in the path and too scared to go down.  this was so dangerous and so wonderful.  And it’s all over now.  As it should be.  And he that it I feels terrible because I am terrible and everything that comes from me is petty and selfish and stupid.  And desire is not very intelligent, is it?  Try to hang on to a moment of loveliness?  Can one exist if I am involved?  Who’s gonna take the….

That will going again and again and again.  Salt water and broken glass.  And now everything around is electric blue and that feels richly approrpitae.  I need a strong drink now to help drown out the constantly reoccurring affirmation of how pathetic and worthless I am and deserving of mockery are all my fucking stupid little feelings. 

I considered spending dollars but then thought about it rationally and realized I could just search and or read later.  But I will make it a point for loyal viewership once it officially kicks off.  right of the bat I immediately became a fan of Riho and decided I will be in her corner until the end of my miserable days.  What else did I do today?  I listened to Lana Del Rey’s new album.  Full review coming soon!  Or is it?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  At the same time I was only able to watch a bit of the other thing.  With the torment and the one who recently stirred controversy in the world of performance art.  For the record, I agree with you and have long held that opinion.  Though my opinion is utterly worthless.  I may require an encouraging message. That sounds lovely.  It’s amazing how much of a loser I am.  Goddam man child.  Is that me?  I a am not really worthy of anything.  Casual profanity had me today.  Just watched a blurry version of the last chunk of the Riho match.  Definitely seemed solid, makes me anticipate the coming launch (also a Jericho fan for sure).  The crucifix at the end maybe wasn’t entirely smooth, couldn’t be sure but it still worked.  Curious about the titular.  Good style.  She seems to be getting over quite well.  But what the hell do I know?! 

I repeatedly come to the realization that there are no other reasons other than the fact that I am a terribly awful person.  so it’s not really necessary to dig deeper and look at past influences or even motivating factors.  I am simply awful.  I know I’ve addressed this before but it’s weighty.  Or something.  Fuck, I don’t know. 

I really like the album Tusk and I’ve listened to it a lot recently.  There are songs I sometimes listen to in the dark and sometimes they make me feel not so awful.  Drinking in excess also helps.  I recently discovered a veritable treasure trove of stuff meant for my eyes and it all started with an orange piece of paper.  I must make time for great things.  I can’t forget about another Del Rey not at all related to the one I mentioned earlier but there is some classic combat I need to catch.  Or maybe it’s all related.  I don’t know anywhere.  I don’t really know much of anything cause I’m so stupid.  I really like the book I’m reading now.  I also liked the design on the dust jacket. 

I was doing something else today when I happened upon the unexpected recounting of a home and a witch.  It was all in stark contrast with one another and it was in those golden age moments where I fell for Sonia.  Then I scoured everything so I could find what I was looking for.  Always with the advent of glass and plastic.  What I was talking about earlier.  Yes, the new. It reminded me of the glorious feeling of feeling low.  the colors of my room are quite electric.  I don’t think I can afford to wait for any gifts.  There was singing and dancing, yes?  We were at some kind of tropical club.  Ah, I remember now. Initial disappointment as it seemed everything was going away.  But no, that’s not true.  An extra layer actually made everything better.  An extra layer that did not quite obstruct anything.  And I’m gone again.  It’s a good thing they were all thrown out.  Initial confusion only led to another discovery.  Further research.  Always piercing.  I thought it was child against parent but no, in fact it all had to do with a witch.  And now I know it’s a possibility, the plastic acquisition.  Sonia, I swear. 

You acted so very honestly and intense.  It is truly lovely.  It all makes sense now why it is no more.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  Still, this will all always play out again and again in a thousand alternate places.  Across those shelves of books with cream and cranberries and he hopelessly begging she could be meant for him.  In one of those places it comes true.

Tiffany looked amazing. Beautiful.  Everything.  And of course the h…the den…  Dual pink with lethal flower.  And I drown. 

s6

I was in church and then I was taken back to a spring day.  fill in the blanks here.  already I started off incorrectly because it was summer not spring.  These were the days of journalism, of cigarettes and ink and…no, that is all bullshit. I am so full of shit.  Nothing I say is ever correct.  Summer, and there was a green dress. Maybe yellow.  It was lovely.  I tried so hard for the proper coverage.  I would make myself known.  In church today I was brought back to this moment.  A moment which is entirely inconsequential to the universe and all the other players involved but which is extremely meaningful to me.  that moment and several others are all on one chain and one leads to them all.  I don’t like to think about these moments though because they are too beautiful.  But I was unable to stop it today.  Was it grass or perfume or something else?  Why was I there in the first place.  Of course I remember, initial return and there was a big convention of sorts to cover.  That was not the first time though?  Why is everything so mixed up.  It’s because you don’t like thinking about these things.  my God, I am simply so awful.  Thursday is to be an important day.  though I am not sure what I am allowed to celebrate.  Yes, standing there, the summer dress was renewed.  And along with that was something else.  Polka dots.  Navy blue and white.  And something else which was discussed in depth yesterday and which always exerts a terrifying control.  I’ve seen the future and….  Ah, more and more is unfolding.  Don’t confuse so many smiles but there were three at dinner, remember. This was a very important narrative to relate. Three at dinner and two were oh so kind.  There was color and that was the theme.  Maybe I’ll stick around for a little while.  These were beautiful words.  Later on bearing witness at two distinct locations.  No, in fact not so distinct at all, one just an extension of the other.  Recognition, oh my gosh.  So friendly. 

Then at another location for thanksgiving.  Laughs, what help?  What was I even doing there?  I am nothing.  Nothing really matters.  Hands going numb now and I need a drink. 

Do you like coffee?  That was the question.  The only question which has ever really mattered?  Didn’t you notice the constant participation.  The Italian who is not Italian.  Haha, I laugh, who understands but one.  hands already going numb and I need a drink. 

Multiple encounters everything dying and he was too blind to see the force of obligation taking hold.  Oh what a foul pathetic creature I am.  Haha, it’s all related see.  I mistakenly believed in some purity.  That was my mistake from this very morning where for a moment I allowed myself to indulge in those lovely moments which are typically banished.  But in so doing I somehow bought into my own hype.  Hype that only I created. 

What am I saying?  It’s clear.  Up til now in the back of my useless diseased brain there was a part of myself clinging to these banished memories, thinking they were somehow separate from these other things.  that’s not true though.  In cowering from my evil they simply manifest as a different type of evil.  In some ways they are a simply more pathetic version of the original foul thing.  It’s almost impossible to believe I could manifest as even more pathetic than normal but I accomplished it.  It seeps into everything now.  Because it was always present.  You were always present to haunt things.  your desperation was never more palpable.  Hahaha, if I could go back I would simply blow my brains out and be done with it.  Nothing could be more appropriate.  Can you be more clear.  Hope was on the table and what was inside that hope was your ugly festering heart.  But somehow you created another version and kept it separated and this one had the illusion of purity.  Did you murder it and or did it blow it’s foolish brains out?  Because this was not pure either.  Again, this was as infected and foul as anything else and just curled up cowering in the corner and crying and wondering and pleading.  I would be so good, it said.  I would be everything you need.  Yes, put this thing out of its misery.  But is that what happened?  Or was it simply reabsorbed.  Even together these things do not seem to co-exist.  Except they do.  No, what the fuck is it.  It’s all the worst aspects of both mentalities splitting up and combining over and over again.  There is no positivity to be seen or felt here. 

Can’t forget about all the desperate words.  Hahaha so amusing and sad.  How many times was that old trick carted out.  Fuck.  The words were typed out this time as opposed to hand written but the result was hilariously the same.  Of course there could be no other result.  This was the most appropriate.  This topic is everything.  Repeated later to much alienation. 

And then less and less because it never matter. I’ve said it before.  So obvious now.  Again, I do not matter.  Yearning is such a deeply pathetic thing.  The creatures crawling along the walls were me.  I was in church and something came back to me and for a moment it felt good but only because of a strong lack of self awareness.  This has been cured.  I have never done anything good.  I would apologize to you but why pro long any contact with me.  he was rightfully discarded a long time ago and best to just leave it at that. 

What was once beautiful is now tainted like everything else. But again, that’s not quite right because it was never beautiful in the first place.  Nothing involving you could be beautiful.  Others may and have presented beauty but why damage what isn’t yours?  So I suppose it is okay for me to indulge in these “lovely” memories because they now serve as a rightful mockery of what I believed. 

s5

Ah, now I realized a bit too late I was leaving someone out; someone very very crucial.  But what to do about personification?  What is the proper pronoun to use?  For surely this has just a big a role in the things as anyone else.  And now thankfully he tossed it all into the trash.  Right next to his bleeding heart.  Hahaha how melodramatic.  How trite!  And how long will that resolve last?  Hopefully at least the span of an hour. 

Here is the difficult part though.  He cannot recall at all when this particular bit of enslavement began.  But no, that is no the proper word. Any word or phrase which takes any bit of responsibility away from him or even suggests that it was somehow out of his control needs to be banished.  Please do not raise any bullshit about differences in willpower. 

There is one memory from things did not have such sharp clarity. More calm searching would be needed to recover the actual name.  star comes to mind but that cannot be correct and is likely being confused with another monumentally important figure. Ah, so clear now though.  The word office is applicable but not because it described a place.  And things were hanging off the edge, threatening to fall at any second.  This was so crucial.  This was a time of discovery.  Innocence has never entered into this but to be able to go back and halt everything at this one moment….  And from there can you recall the initial searching?  There was so much, so frantic.  And on those rare occasions where glass was not needed….surely there was nothing greater. 

No, see, this is the fucking pathetic mistake which was and shall be made a million times over.  There are many better things.  or maybe there is only one better thing, one or two, but they are so all encompassing, so obviously superior that it only clearly illustrates what a useless and sad fuckup I am.  But there is odd mysterious power at work.  no, again not true.  Again, he is simply trying to let himself off the hook.  It must be lovely to attach mysticism to things.  hahaha, I am laughing again.  Man, I am so fucking worthless.  Fuck, I am so unbelievable fucking ugly and putrid and nothing I do has any fucking value to it because it all comes from me and anything said or done could only pure shit if it comes from me. this is crucial to recognize.  Forget mysticism you worthless fuck. Forget thinking there is nothing better.  Or course there is.  And he has experienced it.  But the foul rotten heart inside him was screaming for something else.  Screaming on repeat.  Hahaha what a bunch of useless words.  Ah yes, those initial findings, that particular one remains but there were so very many.  And then the find of the century which somehow combined everything. 

Last night laying down I was actually driving along the freeway.  It was a very cool night and I was in a convertible with someone and it felt good to have the top down.  I think they met a prostitute out by the airport.  At once I understood that process of enslavement I would like to use as a scapegoat for myself….i saw it in them….they were me…we were all exactly the same.  I looked at the scars on his abdomen and face and they are the exact same ones I have. 

Plastic bag inside another plastic bag.  Frantic when the plastic was used and it all seemed so necessary but the spirits left and that remained was my horrible rotten self. All reactions only amounted to the unshakable intrinsic evil which always has a drink and laughs but this is not a scapegoat either and now I see you will stop at nothing to try and pass this along. No, that intrinsic evil you speak of is only yourself and nothing else.  And that deranged laughter is coming from your own mouth.  You just realized it a little too late because you are so fucking unbelievable stupid.  Ah, that piece of blue inside my mouth.  Depraved and deranged.  The mechanical devices keeping the legs so rigid.  This is all the same thing.  Can’t remember when or how it started but forever afterward it was always present  sensory was the priority.  That’s not quite right but the desire to obfuscate is so strong.  Wrapped around.  Vision blurring and breathing in deep.  A thousand different things imagined but all coming back to the same source in the end.  Fuck,even that isn’t right.  Focus.  Central.  And yes, you found the constant which encompasses everything and gleefully built a towering altar to your own hateful self destruction.  I must clap for you. 

Flash forward to bright lights and looking around and snatching.  No way to obtain the genuine artifact.  Or maybe there was.  Questions popped up and out.  And then again through the glass all things are made possible.  And on this very day.  a very decent number were visualized in the two processes, the two ways.  Dynamite.  Dynamite and red and black on top.  And there is such a strong shine and the cover was quick and if only…possible to… and likely is.   Mask, think of the mask and sometimes the possibility of.  So then maybe….  And through that a swift trip and the plastic out of the plastic which was gained by plastic and over and over and over and ah, yes this is the one and envisioning dynamite again.  Dinamita.  Of course, there is another part of him which breaks away and will desperately search for more. 

This is stronger than ever and wraps itself all around him and squeezes and bares down.  and it is lost and then so easily found again at every single turn.  this was the open invitation.  Was curiosity and exploration the very absolute beginning?  It’s possible.  But it doesn’t really matter anymore.  That beginning lasted a few seconds and the unholy obsession is a lifetime.